(My boyfriend and I are out at a nice restaurant to celebrate getting into the same graduate school. He has been vehemently anti-marriage for our entire relationship, but ever since we got accepted I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to ask him to do a commitment ceremony with me. What can I say, I like parties!)

Boyfriend: “Now, before I say anything, please don’t cry or make a huge scene, okay?”

Me: *slightly freaked out* “Okay…”

Boyfriend: *pulls out ring box* “Sweetie, I love you very much, and I want the blessings of our fascist state on our union. Will you marry me?”

Me: *crying* “Yes, you jerk!”

(And so far, we’ve lived happily ever after.)