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    Category: Advice

    Love advice is best taken lightly, if at all. Thankfully, our friends and families are armed with truckloads of it!

    Fisherman’s Friend

    | England, UK | Advice

    (I am talking to my friend via Skype.)

    Friend: “So, how are things with you and [Crush]?”

    Me: “Non-existent at the moment.”

    Friend: “Really? I guess it is summer vacation…”

    Me: “I haven’t spoken to him in about a week.”

    Friend: “Have you tried texting each other?”

    Me: “No… I want to but he might be busy or he might have gone on holiday.”

    Friend: “Well, you know what they say. ‘You can’t catch fish unless you go fishing.’ I don’t know who they are. But they say it.”

    Me: “I suppose they’re right.”

    Friend: “Yep. So go catch yourself some fish.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Friend: “Got your net and your bait?”

    Me: “Yes, I have my phone and enough credit left.”

    Friend: “You rented a boat?”

    Me: “Yes, I found some courage.”

    Friend: “Good. Go get yourself some fish.”

    Thirty Years Of Good Advice

    | Ireland | Advice, Marriage & Partners

    (I work as a receptionist at a therapy centre. One of our physical therapists has a regular client who is an elderly man from near my hometown, so we hit it off from day one. I got married recently, so was away for two weeks. When I come back…)

    Client: “Well, how are you now?”

    Me: “I’m good, [Client], how are you?”

    Client: “Ah, not too bad now. How’s married life?”

    Me: *tired of this question but unable to get annoyed with him* “You know, it’s no different if I’m honest. Just, everyone asks that.”

    Client: “Ach, well, just remember: The first thirty years are the hardest.”

    (If I’m honest, that was probably the best marriage advice I got from anyone…)

    Scientifically Objectified

    | London, England, UK | Advice

    (I’m an arts student, and I have an end of year exhibition at uni, during which my brother comes down to visit me. He’s usually a pretty typical, grubby nerd and STEM student, but has made something of an effort to dress up for once, in Doc Martins, rolled up skinny jeans and a nice shirt. He’s also quite an anxious person with low self esteem, which he compensates for by being hilariously egotistical. As we’re walking up the university steps to the exhibition, some girls wolf whistle at him, and he scowls.)

    Me: “What’s annoying you?”

    Brother: “Those girls whistling at me. I don’t approve.”

    Me: *thinking the conversation is turning towards feminism* “Oh, got a taste of what being objectified feels like?”

    Brother: “No, I’m fine being objectified. It’s just they’re artists. They should know they don’t deserve a scientist’s affection.”

    Me: *lovingly* “Oh, [Brother], you’re the most elitist a**-hole I’ve ever met.”

    Brother: “Hey, it’s not my fault I’m better than everyone else.”

    (Luckily (?), he never wonders why he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He already knows.)

    Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 49

    | MA, USA | Advice, Dating, Zombies

    (My girlfriend, my best friend, and I (all female) are sitting around my house. The ever popular zombie question comes up. I’m a bit of a nerd and am on the autistic scale so I don’t really understand emotions unless I’ve known the person for a long time and even then it’s only because I’ve been told how to recognize them.)

    Girlfriend: “Hey, babe, what would you do if I was bitten by a zombie?”

    Me: “Kill you, probably.”

    Girlfriend: “WHAT?! That’s awful.”

    Me: “Well, I mean, I suppose there are different type of zombie apocalypses going around in theory so I suppose it would depend on which strain of zombie you became and what’s written in the contingency plan.”

    Girlfriend: “Contingency plan? What?”

    Me: “It’s a lot to explain but essentially [Best Friend] and I have a contingency plan in play for the zombie apocalypse, and of course that means that we had to discuss the likelihood of each type of zombies predicted to happen and the best way to keep from getting bitten.”

    Best Friend: “It’s very complex and super well thought out. I think it’s like 50 pages long or something obscene like that.”

    Girlfriend: “And the plan says you have to kill me?”

    Me: “No, there’s a footnote that states all significant others get an automatic pass into whichever survival situation we go into but if you were bitten I figure you’d want to be killed by someone who loved you rather than some stranger who’s hell bent on revenge or is just mindlessly killing zombies. You know, because you’re the sentimental type.”

    Best Friend: “Oh, so close. You were so close to not insulting her.”

    (It took me a minute to understand what went wrong and tried to backpedal but I only dug a deeper hole while they laughed at me.)

    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 48
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 47
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 46

    An Unreasonable Assumption

    | Kent, England, UK | Advice, Engaged

    (I am chatting with two of my co-workers about nothing in particular. My male coworker is getting married next year. I am female.)

    Female Coworker: *to male coworker* “You can be quite feminine at times, you know.”

    Me: *laughing* “You know, I thought that earlier when you were saying about how good the Bridget Jones films were!”

    Male Coworker: *indignantly* “I thought that women liked it when men are in touch with their feminine side?”

    (My female coworker and I share a knowing look.)

    Me: “Yeah… When a woman says she likes a man who is in touch with his feminine side, she actually means ‘I like a man who will sympathise with me even when I’m being completely unreasonable.'”

    Male Coworker: “Ah…”

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