(My boyfriend and I are having a discussion about the zombie apocalypse.)

Boyfriend: “I’m glad that you’re my girlfriend, especially if the zombie apocalypse were to happen.”

Me: “Why is that? Is it because you love me so?”

Boyfriend: “Well, that too. But also because you have brains, so I would have something to feed on if I were to become a zombie. Most of the other girls I know are dumb, which suggests to me that they have no noggin up there.”

*long pause*

Me: “I’m…glad?”

(I work in a bakery. I’m serving a man in his thirties, who orders for him and his girlfriend. She’s off into the nearby supermarket to get some stuff. When she returns, she carries a bag of flower soil.)

Girlfriend: *holding the bag in front of her belly* “Darling, I’m pregnant. It’s going to be a tree.”

Boyfriend: *without missing a beat* “That’s not mine, then. I’m not a member of the photosynthesis crew.”

Girlfriend: “I’m sorry! It was cross-pollination! I couldn’t do anything about it!”

(By that time, I’m trying not to laugh too loud, but I can’t help grinning. I hand over their order.)

Girlfriend: “Hey, what’s that? Coffee?”

Boyfriend: “Yep. You want one, too? It’s on me.”

Girlfriend: “Thanks.” *addressing me* “Can I have a hot chocolate, please? I have to drink for two now, you know.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

Girlfriend: *to boyfriend* “Maybe it’s going to be a chocolate tree if I drink enough.”

Boyfriend: *to me* “Could you make that a coffee, then? I prefer coffee.”

Girlfriend: *to me* “But I don’t. Chocolate, please.”

Boyfriend: “Hey, you cheated on me with some bumblebee! Making it become my
favourite beverage tree is the least you can do!”

(It’s my boyfriend’s sisters wedding, and we’ve been together for almost two years. His younger sisters are both in relationships as well, and we’re all anticipating the awful ‘who’s next’ jokes.)

Me: *quietly, to my boyfriend* “So, what’s the plan of action if anyone asks when
we’re getting married?”

Boyfriend: *equally quietly* “Punch them.”

(After the ceremony, the groom’s grandfather is talking to us.)

Grandfather: *jokingly* “So, when are you two getting married?”

Boyfriend: *to me* “Go on, punch him!”

(Thankfully, he wasn’t serious, and the grandfather thought it was hilarious!)

(The boyfriend has recently decided to goofily make me his pet, which means he’s responsible for my grooming. After an intimate night, he cups my crotch.)

Boyfriend: “You know, you’re getting a bit shaggy.”

Me: “Well, you’re the one who—”

Boyfriend: “Oh my God! I just had a brilliant idea! It’ll be difficult, but d*** it, it’ll work!”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Boyfriend: “I’m going to get a stencil of the Batman logo, and shave it into your hair down there.”

Me: “You’re kidding, right? Please tell me you’re kidding.”

Boyfriend: “Nope! Do you know why?”

Me: “I have no idea.”

Boyfriend: “So I can call it ‘The Bat Cave’!”

(My boyfriend and I like to hang out in my old kitchen, which has a large duct vent above the doorway. I catch him staring at it, in awe.)

Me: “What’s up babe?”

Boyfriend: *slowly breaking his gaze to look at me* “There could be gremlins in there and I’d never know…”

Me: *burst out laughing*