(My husband is a contractor, who is deployed three out of every four months. He is about to return home. We have a four-month-old son. We are talking online about me coming off birth-control pills.)

Me: “The biggest reason for me not going on the birth control is because it is a pill that has to be taken at the same time every day, or you run the risk of failure. I’m crap at that.”

Husband: “Okay, makes sense. By the way, what are we going to be doing about that this time when I get home?”

Me: “Condoms, at least that’s my thought. Or you know, we could just see what happens!”

Husband: “We already know what happens.”

(I’ve just got back from the doctors, having been told I’m pregnant. I text my husband about it, who I expect it to be a surprise for.)

Me: “Hey, honey! Hope you’re having a good day. I have some news for you when you get home.”

Husband: “You’re pregnant.”

Me: “Yes! Wait, how did you know?”

Husband: “I KNOW ALL. Also, you didn’t have your period.”

Me: “…how did you know that?”

Husband: “I KNOW ALL. Also I’ve found it prudent to know when you’re likely to bite my head off.”

(I’m running errands for my pregnant wife. While walking to a nearby store, I see two teenagers harassing a child that is only four or five years old. I shoo them away from the boy, and he introduces himself.)

Me: “So, where’s your mom at?”

Boy: “She’s in the store. Do you have kids?”

Me: “Not yet. We’re expecting a baby girl soon, though.”

Boy: “Well, she’s going to turn out nice, like you! So, I’m going to marry her someday!”

(I laugh, and play along while I bring him to the service desk, and wait until his mom picks him up. Six years later, my daughter comes home from school and introduces us to a friend that defended her against a bully on the playground. I didn’t recognize him, but he certainly knew who I was!)

(I am a lesbian and married. My little sister is introducing my wife around her office building. I have neglected to come along because I have an anxiety disorder. My wife is short, very skinny, and all around tiny.)

My Sister: “…and this is my big sister’s wife.”

Coworker: *looks horrified and says nothing*

My Sister: “They are married.”

Coworker: *still horrified, saying nothing*

My Sister: “They are gay…”

Coworker: *still horrified*

My Sister: “They. Are. Lesbians.”

(My sister is very angry. My wife however, is perfectly calm.)

My Wife: “I’m 26.”

Coworker: “Oh, thank God! Don’t scare me like that!”

(She thought my wife was 14 or 15, and was utterly horrified about that, and not about anything else. I almost peed myself when I heard, but it’s nice to know my little sister has my back.)

(We’ve just bought a new TV. My boyfriend is taking the remote control out of the packaging. He pauses to laugh, and shows me the sticker it has, saying ‘PASSED’.)

Boyfriend: “You passed! Oh, well done, remote! We are so proud!”

Me: “We will throw you a party to celebrate! Well done, you!”

(My boyfriend opens the back of the remote, to see that is takes AAA batteries, not AA.)

Boyfriend: “Aw! Remote! You take the small batteries!”

Me: “You b******!”

Boyfriend: “We hate you, remote!”

Me: “Pass or not; you’re still a failure in our eyes!”

Boyfriend: “You have brought shame upon this house!”

Me: “…we’re going to be terrible parents.”

Boyfriend: “Only if our children take AAA batteries.”