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  • Be Quiet Or There Will Be The Devil To Pay
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  • Category: Family/Kids

    Family and/or kids always adds spice to any relationship. Specifically, the kind of spice that gets in your eyes and makes you cry.

    A Battery Of Questions

    | UK | Dating, Family/Kids

    (My boyfriend and I are having lunch with my parents and our family friend. I still live at home. My and my boyfriend’s vibrator has run out of batteries and I opened it up to discover they were a really obscure type of battery. My dad is a really tech savvy guy, so I asked him if he has any of this type of battery over dinner.)

    Me: “Dad, do we have any of [battery type].”

    Dad: “No, I’ve never even heard of those batteries before. What is it for?”

    Me: “Oh, nothing really. It’s okay. I’ll find them online. It’s okay.”

    Dad: “No, tell me what it’s for.”

    Me: *blushes* “It’s nothing!”

    Dad: “Tell me!”

    Mum: *jokingly* “I bet it’s for a vibrator or something.”

    (I look down, blush, and don’t reply.)

    Mum: “IT IS, ISN’T IT?!”

    Me: “[Boyfriend] bought it for me.”

    Dad: “I’m going to drill his eyes.”

    (He didn’t drill his eyes, but it’s taught my dad to be less nosy. He doesn’t ask what I need batteries or clean sheets for now.)

    Enough To Give Pregnant Pause, Part 6

    | USA | Dating, Family/Kids

    (I am just getting to know my boyfriend. We are in his room playing the Sims (a game where you create simulated people in simulated lives where they go to school, get jobs, fall in love, etc.) My boyfriend has made sims of himself and me and has been playing them for a while. His mother comes upstairs and peeks in the room to check on us.)

    Boyfriend’s Mother: “So, how is everyone?”

    (My boyfriend turns to her and announces:)

    Boyfriend: “She’s pregnant!”

    (After a second of utter mortification I hastily assured his mother that he meant in the game, and in the game only!)

    Related:
    Enough To Give Pregnant Pause, Part 5
    Enough To Give Pregnant Pause, Part 4
    Enough To Give Pregnant Pause, Part 3

    No Longer Itching To Get Married

    | CA, USA | Engaged, Family/Kids, Fights/Breakups

    (I live with my sister and her fiancée, and the following ensues late at night:)

    Sister: “My hand itches and I don’t know why.”

    Sister’s Fiancée: “Oh, no! It’s itchy-hand-itis! Inflammation of the itchy hand!”

    Sister: *flipping her fiancée off* “Oh, no, looks like my middle finger is now inflamed! I have middle finger-itis!”

    Me: “[Sister], clearly some flesh eating bacteria has taken up residence in your hand.”

    Sister: “You guys are a**holes.”

    Sister’s Fiancée: *puts up her fourth finger* “Well, guess what? You’re an a**hole… forever!”

    Not Crushed By The Weight Of The Relationship

    | IL, USA | Dating, Family/Kids, Theme Of The Month

    (My younger brother and his girlfriend started dating while I was away from home. After the fact, I was curious about how it started. Note that both of them are fans of the game “Borderlands” and that there is an achievement called “I have a crush on you,” which is acquired by putting another player in a car crushing machine in game.)

    Me: “So, how did you start dating [Girlfriend]?”

    Brother: “We were playing Borderlands online. She kept getting the ‘I have a crush on you’ achievement, and I sort of caught on.”

    Me: “Don’t ever let her go.”

    Brother: “I know.”

    Good Wife Trumps Good Mother

    | USA | Family/Kids, Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I have been married for about five months. It’s getting close to noon on a Saturday and we are taking advantage of the first quiet day we’ve had in weeks by simply not moving from bed. The phone rings and I see it is his mother calling.)

    Me: “Hello, This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Mother-In-Law: “Is [Husband] there?”

    Me: *without even glancing in his direction* “He was on-call last night so he’s still sleeping. I’d be happy to take a message, or I can have him call you back when he is awake.”

    Mother-In-Law: “Just have him call me back, then. Bye.”

    (After I hang up the phone he promptly reaches over, pulls me close, and kisses me.)

    Husband: “I didn’t even have to give you a cue. You knew exactly what I wanted.”

    Me: “A good wife knows what her husband wants. You’re welcome.”

    (For the record, he had been on-call the previous night. When he got around to calling her back that afternoon she didn’t answer.)


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