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    Category: Family/Kids

    Family and/or kids always adds spice to any relationship. Specifically, the kind of spice that gets in your eyes and makes you cry.

    Giving Birth To Reason

    | USA | Family/Kids, Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are at a restaurant, sharing with family members the news that we’re expecting our first child.)

    Male Relative #1: “Oh, so do you know what hospital you’re going to deliver at?”

    Me: “No, not a hospital. We’re doing a home water birth. Much lower key and all of that.”

    Male Relative #1: *perplexed* “[Husband], are you ok with this?”

    Husband: “Sure, I’m fine with it. It means I get to sit on my own couch and [My Name] will be more comfortable.”

    Male Relative #1: “Oh, yeah! Nice!”

    Male Relative #2: “Really? I think I would have a problem if my wife wanted to do that.”

    Husband: “I learned years ago that you don’t tell a grown woman what to do with her body.”

    (Most of his family laughs, and his female relatives give him approving looks and thumbs-ups.)

    Male Relative #2: *shrugs* “Okay, whatever. I’m just saying that if it were me, I think I would have a problem with it.”

    Husband: “And that’s why you’re single.”

    (And that’s why I married him!)

    Actually Did Wear The Name Out

    | NY, USA | Dating, Family/Kids

    (My father, my good friend, my favorite coworker, my ex-boyfriend, and the guy I just started dating, who is a doctor, all have the same first name.)

    Mom: “Doing anything tonight?”

    Me: “I’m going out with [Name] later.”

    Mom: “Work-[Name] or friend-[Name]?”

    Me: “Neither. Remember, it’s Doctor [Name], that guy I met.”

    Mom: “Another [Name]? I don’t think you can date him.”

    Me: “That’s not fair. Ex-[Name] shouldn’t ruin it for all the [Name]s.”

    Mom: “It’s not that. We’re reaching the [Name] limit here. It’s going to be complete chaos soon.”

    Me: “Yeah, I’m drawing the line. Next time I meet a [Name], I’m telling him his name is now Phil.”

    If Batman Had A Little Sister

    | USA | Dating, Family/Kids

    (I’m on a first date at a nice little place, just chatting with the guy I’m out with, when he clears his throat a little. He also is friends with my older brother.)

    Him: “So… ah… [Older Brother] found out we were going out tonight and called me.”

    Me: “Yeah… He did text me something to that effect today. Something about him being in every shadow?”

    Him: “Yep.”

    Me: “He also says ‘he is vengeance; he is the night,’ by the way.”

    Not So Surgical With His Translation

    | Jerusalem, Israel | Dating, Family/Kids

    (I have been set up with a girl on a blind date, and am calling her to decide when and where. She only speaks Hebrew, which is not my first language. Over the course of the conversation, I mention the following:)

    Me: “My father actually happens to be in the country right now. He’s a plastic surgeon, and he’s going to a conference in [Resort Town].”

    (I’m now married to her, which is how I know that after the phone call she told her mother this:)

    Girl: “He said something weird about how his father had plastic surgery done and moved to [Resort Town].”

    Set Fire To The Rain

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Family/Kids, Marriage & Partners

    (My brother, who is a landscaper, comes home to his wife.)

    Wife: “How was work?”

    Brother: “Somehow, we set an artificial waterfall on fire.”

    Wife: “…do I want to know how that happened?”

    Brother: “No.”


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