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    Category: Family/Kids

    Family and/or kids always adds spice to any relationship. Specifically, the kind of spice that gets in your eyes and makes you cry.

    Can’t Get A Clean Break

    | Ball, LA, USA | Dating, Family/Kids

    (My boyfriend’s refrigerator needs to be cleaned out so I volunteer to help him clean it. As we’re scrubbing, we keep accidentally bumping into each other and I’m getting irritated because I bruise easily.)

    Me: “No offense, babe, but you’re getting in my way. I can do this by myself.”

    Boyfriend: “But it’s my fridge, babe. I’d feel bad making you clean it.”

    Me: “But you’re not making me do it. I volunteered.” *makes a shooing motion* “Move it!”

    (He sits at the kitchen table and starts playing with his cat. A few minutes later, someone knocks on the front door and shouts ‘YO!.’)

    Boyfriend: “Oh! That’s [Friend I haven’t met yet]! I think you’ll like him. He’s pretty a pretty cool guy.” *yells* “The door’s open, man!”

    (To be polite, I stop cleaning and turn around. His friend walks into the kitchen and looks from me to my boyfriend.)

    Boyfriend: “[Friend], this is my girlfriend, [My Name]. [My Name], this is [Friend].”

    Me: *smiles* “Hi there, [Friend]!” *goes back to scrubbing*

    Friend: “Seriously, dude? Making your girlfriend clean your fridge?”

    Boyfriend: *laughing* “Hey, it needed to be done! She’s cleaning and I’m supervising.”

    Me: *snorts* “He was just getting in my way so I told him to move.” *turns and smiles again* “Besides, I don’t mind cleaning and little things like this are easier to do by myself.”

    Friend: *to Boyfriend* “Does she have a sister?”

    Me: “Yes, I do. A younger sister but she’s lazy as f***.”

    Friend: “D*** it!”

    Giving Birth To Reason

    | USA | Family/Kids, Marriage & Partners, Top

    (My husband and I are at a restaurant, sharing with family members the news that we’re expecting our first child.)

    Male Relative #1: “Oh, so do you know what hospital you’re going to deliver at?”

    Me: “No, not a hospital. We’re doing a home water birth. Much lower key and all of that.”

    Male Relative #1: *perplexed* “[Husband], are you ok with this?”

    Husband: “Sure, I’m fine with it. It means I get to sit on my own couch and [My Name] will be more comfortable.”

    Male Relative #1: “Oh, yeah! Nice!”

    Male Relative #2: “Really? I think I would have a problem if my wife wanted to do that.”

    Husband: “I learned years ago that you don’t tell a grown woman what to do with her body.”

    (Most of his family laughs, and his female relatives give him approving looks and thumbs-ups.)

    Male Relative #2: *shrugs* “Okay, whatever. I’m just saying that if it were me, I think I would have a problem with it.”

    Husband: “And that’s why you’re single.”

    (And that’s why I married him!)

    Actually Did Wear The Name Out

    | NY, USA | Dating, Family/Kids

    (My father, my good friend, my favorite coworker, my ex-boyfriend, and the guy I just started dating, who is a doctor, all have the same first name.)

    Mom: “Doing anything tonight?”

    Me: “I’m going out with [Name] later.”

    Mom: “Work-[Name] or friend-[Name]?”

    Me: “Neither. Remember, it’s Doctor [Name], that guy I met.”

    Mom: “Another [Name]? I don’t think you can date him.”

    Me: “That’s not fair. Ex-[Name] shouldn’t ruin it for all the [Name]s.”

    Mom: “It’s not that. We’re reaching the [Name] limit here. It’s going to be complete chaos soon.”

    Me: “Yeah, I’m drawing the line. Next time I meet a [Name], I’m telling him his name is now Phil.”

    If Batman Had A Little Sister

    | USA | Dating, Family/Kids

    (I’m on a first date at a nice little place, just chatting with the guy I’m out with, when he clears his throat a little. He also is friends with my older brother.)

    Him: “So… ah… [Older Brother] found out we were going out tonight and called me.”

    Me: “Yeah… He did text me something to that effect today. Something about him being in every shadow?”

    Him: “Yep.”

    Me: “He also says ‘he is vengeance; he is the night,’ by the way.”

    Not So Surgical With His Translation

    | Jerusalem, Israel | Dating, Family/Kids

    (I have been set up with a girl on a blind date, and am calling her to decide when and where. She only speaks Hebrew, which is not my first language. Over the course of the conversation, I mention the following:)

    Me: “My father actually happens to be in the country right now. He’s a plastic surgeon, and he’s going to a conference in [Resort Town].”

    (I’m now married to her, which is how I know that after the phone call she told her mother this:)

    Girl: “He said something weird about how his father had plastic surgery done and moved to [Resort Town].”

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