• Time To Step Up
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  • November Theme Of The Month: Crushes!

    Category: Golden Years

    Romance isn’t only the domain of the young. This category finds love tempered with honesty. Lots, and lots, and lots of honesty.

    The Aged Of Innocence

    | MN, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am nine months pregnant with my third son, and am sitting down at a Chinese restaurant. I have soup and a plate of stir-fried vegetables. Across the aisle from me is an elderly couple.)

    Older Man: “Look at that girl. What a cow. Look at her, honey. Just stuffin’ her face full.”

    (The older woman glances over, then looks down at her own plate.)

    Older Man: “See what I mean? Someone should just take the plate away and make her walk everywhere. No one wants a woman that big. Poor thing will be single for her life at this rate.”

    (The older woman sits silently and eats. By this point, I can feel tears starting, and now I don’t want to eat. But just as I think about waddling away, and thanks to what I hope are hormonal mood swings, I get angry. So I stand up and waddle over to his table.)

    Me: “Yeah, real nice. See this?” *I rub my pregnant belly* “It isn’t made of food. It’s a baby. My third, actually, and I’ve been happily married for a few years as well. Anything else horrible you’d like to say about a pregnant woman you don’t know? Maybe remark on my horrible complexion, or that I can’t tie my own shoes?”

    (The old man shakes his head and looks deflated. The older woman is suddenly angry.)

    Older Woman: “See, this is why I hate eating with you! Why do you got to be that old grumpy a** who keeps doing this? Apologize to her now! Poor thing!”

    Older Man: “I’m sorry. It was rude of me.”

    Me: “It definitely was. I’ll be leaving now.”

    Older Woman: “You’re such an a**! You are so lucky I said ‘yes’ 33 years ago, or someone would have killed you by now!”

    Divorced From The Idea Of Marriage

    | London, England, UK | Divorce, Golden Years, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am looking at old family photographs, especially those taken at my parents’ wedding. I can’t find any from my grandparents’ wedding, however, and I ask my grandparents where I can find some.)

    Grandmother: “Oh, you won’t find any pictures of our wedding, dear.”

    Me: “How come? Did you not have a camera back then?”

    Grandmother: “No, but your grandfather and I never actually got married.”

    Me: “What!”

    Grandfather: “We just never got around to it.”

    Me: “But Grandma! You have Grandpa’s name and everything!”

    Grandmother: “I know. It was just easier that way. Less gossip.”

    Me: “But didn’t you want to get married!”

    Grandfather: “What’s the point? I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that I have been lucky enough to spend my life with the love of my life.”

    Me: “So you don’t believe in marriage?”

    Grandmother: “Of course we do, but marriage isn’t a requirement of love, dear.”

    Grandfather: “Exactly! Look at that ‘Brittany Clears’ fellow. Didn’t he get married for like an hour?”

    Me: “You mean Britney Spears?”

    Grandmother: “See! I told you that was his name! You never think I’m right about these things!”

    Me: “Actually, Britney Spears is a woman.”

    Grandmother: “Oh. I guess we were both wrong.”

    Grandfather: *in a sing song voice* “Ha! You were wrong! You were wrong!”

    Grandmother: “Is it possible to divorce someone you never married?”

    January Themed Story Giveaway: The Golden Years

    Not Always Romantic | Announcements, Golden Years, Theme Of The Month
    Want to win A Not Always Romantic t-shirt?
    Enter January’s Themed Story Giveaway: The Golden Years!

    Entering is as easy as 1-2-3:

    1. Submit a funny or interesting story about romance in the golden years! (PS: Here’s a definition of golden years)
    2. Enter your email address in the form to qualify.
    3. All posted stories will be entered in a drawing to win a free t-shirt gift certificate, to use in the official Not Always Romantic shop!

    PS: Congratulations to a lucky reader for winning December’s Themed Story Giveaway, which featured stories about the holidays, Christmas, the New Year. The winning submission: Be Careful What You Christmas Wish For (319 thumbs up).

    PS #2: winners will be announced the first Wednesday of every month. Next free t-shirt gift certificate: Wednesday, February 5!

    All I Want For Christmas…

    | Denver, CO, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners, Top

    (It’s Christmas season, and I’m shopping in a department store. An elderly couple is also shopping nearby. The woman goes off to look at something in a different section. The gentleman sneezes.)

    Me: “Bless you.”

    Elderly Gentleman: *looks at his wife* “It’s already been done.”

    A Twisted Marriage

    | PA, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners

    (The family is gathered around the table for Thanksgiving dinner. My mom is having an argument with my dad.)

    Mom: “And you! After thirty years, you’ve got some kind of switch that lets you shut out everything I say!”

    Dad: “Of course. Haven’t you ever seen me twist my wedding ring?”

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