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    Category: Marriage & Partners

    Love is blind, but marriage is the eye-opener.

    Christmas Gets Better Ex-ponentially

    | Avon, NY, USA | Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (My husband and I have just gotten married a few months prior to this. We are decorating our Christmas tree in our apartment together for the first time. I come across an ornament that an ex-boyfriend gave me. The relationship didn’t end well and it is a sensitive topic for me, and my husband is also sensitive about hearing about things with this ex.)

    Me: “Honey… you’re not going to like the origins of this ornament. It’s up to you if you want to hang it this year.”

    Husband: “Is it from ‘him’?”

    Me: “Yeah… I don’t like it for that reason, but it is still one of my favorites because it’s so pretty.”

    (My husband takes it from me and stares at it for a moment. I am pretty sure he will not want to hang it and may even want to get rid of it. Then…)

    Husband: *cackles triumphantly* “Sucker!” *puts the ornament on our tree*

    (Best. Answer. Ever. And that’s how I stopped associating that ornament with my negative memories!)

    Disorder Out Of Order

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (It’s very cold outside, so my husband decides he wants to order delivery from one of the Indian restaurants in our area. Their food is very good, but extremely spicy, even by Indian cuisine standards. I usually place the orders for delivery and take care of the tipping only because my husband is a man-child.)

    Husband: “Come ooooon…”

    Me: “Give me one second; I need to send an email.”

    Husband: “FINE. I will order it myself!”

    Me: “I said ONE SECOND. I will order it.”

    Husband: “Nope! You’re too slow! I’m ordering.”

    Me: “Don’t forget—”

    Husband: *jokingly* “GET OFF MY BACK, WOMAN!”

    Me: “FINE!”

    (Later, the food comes and he almost forgets to tip the delivery guy, which I quickly correct lest we be blacklisted.)

    Me: “Uh… honey… You didn’t order any naan? Or… rice? Or… What the h*** is this?”

    (I hold up a container.)

    Husband: “I dunno, it had a weird name, I figured I would try it.”

    Me: “Uh… your container says ‘extra hot’… Did they make a mistake?”

    Husband: “No, I wanted it extra hot! I felt like something spicy and you never let me get spicy food.”

    Me: *completely offended* “You talk like I’m your mother!”

    Husband: “YOU SURE ACT LIKE IT SOMETIMES!”

    Me: “FINE. Eat your d*** extra hot food without any rice or bread to take the burn down.”

    (He won’t admit while eating that the food is way too spicy for him, but very soon after eating:)

    Husband: “AAAAHHH! MY FACE IS MELTING! IT HUUUUURTS!”

    Me: “I bet it does.”

    (He tries drinking cold water and it gets worse. He tries other things with equally bad effects.)

    Husband: *groaning* “WHY DID YOU LET ME ORDER?!”

    Me: “You said I was too slow and you screwed up the order. Why is that?!”

    Husband: “BUT I’M DUMB! YOU CAN’T LET ME DO THINGS!” *pained groaning*

    Me: “Go eat some cheese and you’ll feel better.”

    Husband: “It’s like I ate a fire and it’s trying to come out!” *pained groaning* “Maybe you should place the orders from now on.”

    The Letter ‘M’ as in Mother

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (It’s a cold day and I’m feeling playful. I’m wrapped up in a fleece blanket and my husband walks into the room.)

    Me: *shoving a hand wrapped in blanket in his face* “I’m touching your face! It’s like a Muppet is touching your face! I’m Muppet-touchin’ you!”

    Husband: *stands there and stares at me like I’m weird*

    Me: *Muppet voice* “Oh hoo hoo! I’m touching you! Is this a good touch or a bad touch?!” *grabs his crotch* “Baaaad touch or gooooood touch?!”

    Husband: *standing there and staring at me*

    Me: *still in Muppet voice* “Today’s lesson is brought to you by the letter ‘M’ as in Meeee!”

    Husband: “I came in here to say that my mother is here.”

    Me: *mouth drops open*

    Husband: “Yeah. She could hear you, by the way.”

    (I heard snickering coming from the living room. It would have been more embarrassing if she didn’t know I was weird.)

    Marriages Don’t Chart Well

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My wife and I have only been married once – to each other. We’re snuggling under the blankets one day.)

    Me: “Of all the wives I’ve had, you’re definitely my favorite.”

    Wife: “Yeah. You’re in my top ten.”

    Love Like Animals

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (I leave the room while my husband is busy packing something up and I have been gone for about 10 minutes. I’m only 10 feet down the hall in another room.)

    Husband: “Are you coming back in here?”

    Me: “Not right now. I’m in the middle of something.”

    (Less than five minutes later:)

    Husband: “I’m beginning to forget what it’s like to be loved. Pretty soon, I’m going to be feral.”

    (I started laughing so hard I couldn’t even respond.)


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