(I’m running errands for my pregnant wife. While walking to a nearby store, I see two teenagers harassing a child that is only four or five years old. I shoo them away from the boy, and he introduces himself.)

Me: “So, where’s your mom at?”

Boy: “She’s in the store. Do you have kids?”

Me: “Not yet. We’re expecting a baby girl soon, though.”

Boy: “Well, she’s going to turn out nice, like you! So, I’m going to marry her someday!”

(I laugh, and play along while I bring him to the service desk, and wait until his mom picks him up. Six years later, my daughter comes home from school and introduces us to a friend that defended her against a bully on the playground. I didn’t recognize him, but he certainly knew who I was!)

(I am a lesbian and married. My little sister is introducing my wife around her office building. I have neglected to come along because I have an anxiety disorder. My wife is short, very skinny, and all around tiny.)

My Sister: “…and this is my big sister’s wife.”

Coworker: *looks horrified and says nothing*

My Sister: “They are married.”

Coworker: *still horrified, saying nothing*

My Sister: “They are gay…”

Coworker: *still horrified*

My Sister: “They. Are. Lesbians.”

(My sister is very angry. My wife however, is perfectly calm.)

My Wife: “I’m 26.”

Coworker: “Oh, thank God! Don’t scare me like that!”

(She thought my wife was 14 or 15, and was utterly horrified about that, and not about anything else. I almost peed myself when I heard, but it’s nice to know my little sister has my back.)

(My friend asks me if I wanted to adopt her hedgehog. I’m critter crazy, but my boyfriend not so much. Before accepting, I decide to ask him if it is okay. I walk up to him with huge grin.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, God. Whatever you want, yes.”

Me: “Hedgie?”

Boyfriend: “A hedgehog?”

(He gives me a pained look while I continue grinning.)

Boyfriend: “I can tell you really want it.”

Me: “Really?”

(I squeal and jump around.)

Boyfriend: “When you smile at me like that, how can I say no?”

(I love my new ‘spiky hamster’, as he calls it!)

(My husband and I met when I was working at a travel store. He had stopped in to look at satellite radios, and I was the one who ended up helping him. We’re talking about how we met a few years later.)

Husband: “Yeah, I just came in to buy a radio, and there you were.”

Me: “Well, it’s not like I was nice to you. I was mean to almost everybody so they’d leave me alone.”

Husband: “I know! But when you went and got the radio out of the case, you stayed kneeling on the ground and your pants slid down a little on the back and I could see your butt a little.”

Me: “Seriously?!”

Husband: “Well, yeah! You didn’t think I was looking at a radio for twenty minutes, did you?”

(We’ve just bought a new TV. My boyfriend is taking the remote control out of the packaging. He pauses to laugh, and shows me the sticker it has, saying ‘PASSED’.)

Boyfriend: “You passed! Oh, well done, remote! We are so proud!”

Me: “We will throw you a party to celebrate! Well done, you!”

(My boyfriend opens the back of the remote, to see that is takes AAA batteries, not AA.)

Boyfriend: “Aw! Remote! You take the small batteries!”

Me: “You b******!”

Boyfriend: “We hate you, remote!”

Me: “Pass or not; you’re still a failure in our eyes!”

Boyfriend: “You have brought shame upon this house!”

Me: “…we’re going to be terrible parents.”

Boyfriend: “Only if our children take AAA batteries.”