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    Christmas Gets Better Ex-ponentially

    | Avon, NY, USA | Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (My husband and I have just gotten married a few months prior to this. We are decorating our Christmas tree in our apartment together for the first time. I come across an ornament that an ex-boyfriend gave me. The relationship didn’t end well and it is a sensitive topic for me, and my husband is also sensitive about hearing about things with this ex.)

    Me: “Honey… you’re not going to like the origins of this ornament. It’s up to you if you want to hang it this year.”

    Husband: “Is it from ‘him’?”

    Me: “Yeah… I don’t like it for that reason, but it is still one of my favorites because it’s so pretty.”

    (My husband takes it from me and stares at it for a moment. I am pretty sure he will not want to hang it and may even want to get rid of it. Then…)

    Husband: *cackles triumphantly* “Sucker!” *puts the ornament on our tree*

    (Best. Answer. Ever. And that’s how I stopped associating that ornament with my negative memories!)

    The Letter ‘M’ as in Mother

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Marriage & Partners, Top

    (It’s a cold day and I’m feeling playful. I’m wrapped up in a fleece blanket and my husband walks into the room.)

    Me: *shoving a hand wrapped in blanket in his face* “I’m touching your face! It’s like a Muppet is touching your face! I’m Muppet-touchin’ you!”

    Husband: *stands there and stares at me like I’m weird*

    Me: *Muppet voice* “Oh hoo hoo! I’m touching you! Is this a good touch or a bad touch?!” *grabs his crotch* “Baaaad touch or gooooood touch?!”

    Husband: *standing there and staring at me*

    Me: *still in Muppet voice* “Today’s lesson is brought to you by the letter ‘M’ as in Meeee!”

    Husband: “I came in here to say that my mother is here.”

    Me: *mouth drops open*

    Husband: “Yeah. She could hear you, by the way.”

    (I heard snickering coming from the living room. It would have been more embarrassing if she didn’t know I was weird.)

    Can’t Defy The Octopi

    | USA | Dating, Exes/Old Flames, Top

    (My ex-girlfriend and I are still really good friends. My current girlfriend and I are going on a double date with her and the guy she’s seeing. My ex loves cephalopods, specifically the octopus, and has a plush one on her keys. My current girlfriend sees it when she’s putting her ID away after we order our drinks.)

    Girlfriend: “What’s that purple thing?”

    Ex: “An octopus.”

    Girlfriend: “Oh.” *pauses* “Why is there an octopus on your keys?”

    Ex: “I think a better question is why ISN’T there an octopus on YOUR keys?”

    (Everybody except my current girlfriend laughs, who just gives my ex a dirty look. As we’re leaving, she sees there is also a small, bright blue glass octopus hanging from the rear view mirror of her car.)

    Girlfriend: *nasty tone* “Geez, what is it with you and those stupid things?”

    Ex: *looking at the key ring, and the one in her car* “I happen to like them. Besides, there’s only a few of them.” *glances at my girlfriend’s car – the dashboard of which is covered in stuffed animals*

    Girlfriend: *shrill tone* “It’s normal for girls to like stuffed animals! Those things are slimy!”

    Ex: “First of all, I’m a woman. Not a girl. As in adult human female. Second, there’s nothing wrong with having several stuffed animals in your car either. I just find it odd that you have a problem with two small cephalopods when the interior of your car looks like one of those claw machines.”

    (She and I ended up getting back together a few months later, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why I ever let her go.)

    Drunk On Love

    | USA | Marriage & Partners, Top

    (My husband is usually a very quiet, reserved person, but alcohol changes that completely. He becomes very… talkative. He is at a work event where he knows he is going to be drinking, so I plan to pick him up from it. He is a bit tipsy and silly when I pick him up.)

    Husband: “That was a fun event.”

    Me: “I’m glad! You are a little drunk though. Did you eat already?”

    Husband: “PSSHHHH! I’m not DRUNK drunk. Just a LITTLE drunk drunk.”

    Me: *laughing* “Whatever. Do you want to pick something up on the way home or do you want to go home?”

    Husband: “Oh, oh… I could do… a Starbucks.”

    (He only orders one thing from Starbucks, so I knew what he meant. I go there and get out.)

    Me: “Okay, [Husband], wait here and I’ll bring it to you.”

    Husband: “Mmmmk.”

    (I go in and order his drink and something for myself. My husband then walks in and stands too close to me. At this point, you can’t really tell that he’s tipsy unless he opens his mouth.)

    Husband: *whispering loudly to me* “Do you think the cashier can tell?”

    Me: “Tell what?”

    Husband: “You knowww. That I’m druuuunk.”

    (The cashier looks at me. She can hear everything he is saying because of course she could. I shake my head.)

    Me: “No, she can’t. Go to the car.”

    Husband: “But you’re so hot.”

    Me: *getting embarrassed* “That’s great, honey. Go to the car.”

    Husband: “Like, sooo hot. If I was an artist… I would paint you on… a mural… wall. On a wall. With paint… for murals.”

    (The cashier tries to not laugh.)

    Me: “Thank you… Time to go to the car.”

    Husband: “I’m so luuuucky.”

    Me: “Yes, you are. Car. Go to it.”

    Husband: *hugging me* “Mmmmm, you smell nice. I’m lucky you smell nice.”

    Me: “Let’s pick this up at home, okay?”

    (My husband tries to wink, but he’s tipsy, so he just blinks at me weirdly. He then turns around and walks out and goes back to the car.)

    Me: *to the cashier* “I am so incredibly sorry.”

    Cashier: *laughing* “Don’t worry about it, ma’am. I think that’s kind of sweet.”

    Feeling Stelline

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | Dating, Top

    (At this point in my life I was working with a personal trainer several times a week and frequently came home physically exhausted.)

    Me: *comes in the door and dramatically collapses on the carpet* “I feel like spaghetti!”

    Boyfriend: *puts down the laundry basket he’s carrying and swiftly removes all of his clothes, puts his hands in the air and yells* “And I’m a NUDE-le!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Boyfriend: “See? We were meant to be together.” *picks up the laundry basket, still naked, and calmly walks away*

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