(I am having lunch with my ex-husband. We have been divorced for years, and the period of time around the divorce was pretty tough. At the time he had slept with a much younger woman. Things are very amicable between us now, and we meet for lunch once a month to discuss our teenage children and such. He has been seeing a woman (not the same one he cheated on me with) for almost a year, and it is getting serious.)

Me: “So how is [girlfriend]?”

Ex-husband: “Good. Very good. In fact, I wanted to ask you about that.”

Me: “Is it about the ring?

(I flash the wedding ring he gave to me, which used to belong to his mother. It is worth a fair amount and of huge sentimental value, so I have been expecting to be asked to return it at some point.)

Me: “Will you be wanting it back?”

Ex-husband: “Not at all. My mother told me to give the ring to the mother of my children. Last I checked, you still were.”

Me: “Won’t you be wanting to have children with [girlfriend]?”

Ex-husband: *in jest* “God, no! The teenagers ruined our marriage!”

Me: *smiling evilly* “I assume you’re referring to the nineteen year old you slept with, not our two beautiful children?”

Ex-husband: “I guess I walked right into that one, didn’t I?”

(My husband and I are in the car after leaving the movies. We went to go see ‘The Lucky One’. My husband is a US Marine.)

Me: “I really think Zac Efron did a good job portraying a Marine just back from the war. He was really believable.”

Husband: “No, he didn’t. He didn’t drink, smoke, swear, or get into a fight the whole movie. That’s not a Marine.”

Me: “So what?! He was playing a nice guy. There are Marines out there that don’t do those things!”

Husband: “You know a lot of Marines? Name one.”

Me: “YOU.”

(Silence.)

Husband: “Touché, lady.”

(My husband and I are in a comic book store looking at collectable comics. I pick up an old X-Men comic.)

Me: “Hey, hun. What would happen if you cut off Wolverine’s hand? Would he grow a new head, or a new body?”

My husband and the store owner: “What?”

Me: “Or, would his head grow a new body, his body grow a new head and end up with two Wolverines?”

Husband: “Wolverine has an adamantium spine. You can’t cut his head off.”

Me: “But, what about before he got the adamantium? What if someone had cut his head off? And if then it had made two wolverines, would they have worked together, or would they have tried to kill each other until the end of time?”

Store owner: “I don’t know where you found her buddy, but never let her go.”

(I am a nursing student. My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch as he is asking me names of different muscles and bones. As I answer, I point to their location on my own body.)

Boyfriend: “So, do you touch yourself when you study alone?”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Boyfriend: “Do you touch yourself? You should touch yourself when you study. It seems to help.”

(At this point I am dying laughing. He looks at me, confused, then a look of realization comes over his face.)

Boyfriend: “No! I mean, do you touch – I mean – use your finger! I mean… I say stupid things.”

(My significant other and I are both female. It’s been a few weeks since we started dating, and because she’s my first girlfriend, I have been going to great and slightly awkward pains to be super-courteous. We’re sitting on her bed, when I feel an urge to fart. I do my best to make it as unspectacular as possible. I think I’m in the clear until she blinks and starts poking around in the blankets.)

Me: “What’s the matter?”

Girlfriend: *totally serious* “Someone’s phone just went off.”

(I can’t help myself. I burst out laughing.)

Girlfriend: *looks at me like I’ve lost my marbles, then smiles slowly* “Oh. Oh, I get it. You farted, didn’t you?”

(She suddenly gets excited.)

Girlfriend: “Oh my God! You know what that means don’t you? We just passed a crucial relationship milestone, for better or for worse!”

Me: *grinning* “Probably for worse.”

Girlfriend: *sniffs deeply and sighs* “I feel so close to you right now.”

Related:
Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 2
Can You Smell The Love Tonight

(My roommate and I are both single for Valentine’s Day, so we decide to go fishing for men-folk. We each grab a large stick, some string, and bait (hers being a Star Wars book, mine being a One Piece DVD, a zippo, and a dogtag). We sit on a half wall outside our college cafeteria, and fish. She is a fairly relaxed fisher, but I wave my bait in the face of every passerby.)

Me: “Fishy, fishy ,fishy!”

(Some people avoid all eye contact, lots ask what we are doing, and a few nibblers investigate the bait, but move on. One fishy, however, decides to jump into the ‘boat’ with us, and spent the rest of the time hanging out. We are now dating. Every now and then he smiles at me.)

Boyfriend: “I am so glad I decided to get caught on Valentine’s Day.”

(I’m trying to sleep, and my boyfriend is randomly talking to me about chemistry, which I suck at.)

Boyfriend: “We’re learning the noble gases right now.”

(He proceeds to tell me about them.)

Me: “Mhm, that’s nice.”

Boyfriend: “Hey! You’re not listening to me!”

Me: “Am too.”

Boyfriend: “Then what did I just say?”

Me: “Superman, Boring, Scientology, Color, Pokémon, Squeaky, Radio. Royalty doesn’t breed with outsiders.”

Boyfriend: “Wait! What did you just say?”

Me: “Krypton, Boron, Xenon, Neon, Argon, Helium, Radon. And noble gases don’t mix with other gases. They’re odorless and colorless.”

Boyfriend: “Aw! You were paying attention! In your own screwed up way.”

(I’m ill, and have been in the bathroom all night puking. My husband doesn’t handle vomiting well, but is trying to be supportive. He is hanging outside the bathroom. He gets thirsty, and finds an iced tea I picked up on the way home for him.)

Husband: “Where’d this ice tea come from?”

Me: “I brought it from—” *BLARGH*

Husband: “Can I have it?”

Me: “I got it for—” *BLARGH*

Husband: “Puke once for yes, and twice for no.”

(I puke four times in succession.)

Husband: “Wait, you don’t even like iced tea. You got this for me? ”

Me: *BLARGH*

Husband: “I love you, too!”

Related:
Love Me Tender, Love Me Spew