(My housemate’s girlfriend has just stormed out of the house. While I couldn’t make out any specifics, I can tell they just had one h*** of a shouting match. I check up on my friend.)

Me: “You okay?”

Friend: “No. We broke up.”

Me: “Ah, definitely not okay then. What was the argument about?”

Friend: “It’s so silly. It started about her liking Twilight.”

Me: “You broke up with her over a book?”

Friend: “She actually thinks it’s a good book! She said it was well written! It’s a piece of s***! And she thinks the films were even better!”

Me: “Dude, that’s just her opinion. You don’t need to break up with her because she likes one thing that’s crap. You had plenty of other things in common.”

Friend: “She also said that Lord of the Rings was boring.”

Me: “Well, f*** that. You made the right choice.”

(I’m in my mid-20s and work with a lot of high school girls who talk about relationships a lot. Three of them are arguing over whether nicknames or pet names are cute, immature, or annoying.)

Coworker #1: “They just make me roll my eyes a lot. I think they’re dumb. You outgrow stupid names.”

Coworker #2: “No you don’t! Hey, (me), you’ve got a boyfriend, right?”

Me: “Yeah. We don’t do the pet names thing, though.”

Coworker #1: “But you call each other ‘baby’ and ‘sweetie’, right?”

Me: “No, I don’t like that. He tried calling me ‘baby’ exactly twice before I told him to cut that shit out.”

Coworker #2: “See? It’s immature to call someone anything but their name!”

Me: *tired of hearing this argument* “I call him my ‘pet’ and he calls me his ‘mistress.’ Much more fun that way.”

(The conversation stopped right there.)

(I have a crush on my best friend, but she considers herself asexual, so the relationship never came to be. Despite our just-friendship, my friends still want us to date, or, as they say, they ‘ship’ us.)

Me: “You know, ever since I told them about you, all my friends ship us.”

Best Friend: “How do they manage that when there’s an asexual involved?”

Me: “Never stopped the Sherlock fans.”

(I am waiting in a restaurant for my blind date to arrive, as he’s late. He finally does arrive.)

Date: *sighing and clearly disappointed* “You’re my date?”

Me: “Are you [date's name]?”

Date: “I was afraid of that. You look much thinner in your photos.”

Me: “And you were much less unpleasant online. What’s your point?”

Date: *scoffs and flops into his chair* “That I deserve better than somebody who looks like you.”

Me: “Sweet pea, if this is how you treat women, then I’d be amazed if you could hold onto one at all. No wonder you’re single.”

Man at the next table: *to my date* “If you think you can do better than somebody who looks like her, then you obviously don’t see what everybody else sees when you look in the mirror.”

Date: “Hey, f*** you, s***-head! I’m the best-looking guy in here!”

Me: “Your acne disagrees with you, dear.” *getting up* “I’m not going to pretend to be the most attractive woman in here, but based on the way you look and act, I can and deserve to do better. Enjoy loneliness.”

(As I was leaving, the man from the next table caught up to me and asked if he could buy me a drink. We’ve been together for a year now!)

(My wife and I are sitting on the sofa watching TV. We both have a background in theater. I notice that I’m cold.)

Me: “I’ve got chills.”

Wife: “Are they multiplying?”

Me: “Yeah, and I think I’m losing control.”

Wife: “I bet the power they’re supplying is electrifying.”

Me: “Forget it. I’m not saying ‘I need a man.’”