(My girlfriend has finished a sandwich and is getting ready to go back to work for the afternoon. I work evenings, and as such have just woken up. I’m not particularly ‘with it’ when I first wake up.)

Girlfriend: “How do I look?”

Me: “Baby, you’re more beautiful than any woman I’ve ever known.”

Girlfriend: “No, what I mean is: Do I have mustard on my face or anything?”

Me: “Baby, you have more mustard on my face than any woman I’ve ever known.”

(My husband and I, who are in our early 20s, are on the top floor of a hospital and get on the elevator. He pushes all the buttons. On the next floor down, other people get in the elevator.)

Me: “I told you not to push all the buttons because someone else would get on.”

(I’m not really upset with him since there are only six floors, but I figured the other people might like an explanation.)

Elevator rider: “That’s okay. My nephew does the same thing.”

Me: “But he’s probably four, right?”

Elevator rider: “No, he’s seventeen.”

Husband: “I told you it’d be okay.”

(We have only been dating for about two months when our first Valentine’s Day rolls around. We’ve made plans to eat out and go bowling.)

Boyfriend: *at the restaurant* “You don’t like Italian?”

Me: *poking at food* “I do, but… not chain restaurant style apparently. I’m sorry!”

Boyfriend: “It’s okay. The bowling alley is right around the corner. They’ll have something to eat there.”

(Later, at the bowling alley…)

Attendant: “You should have made a reservation. There’s a three hour wait.”

Boyfriend: “Dangit.”

Me: “Let’s catch a movie. Isn’t that [video game] movie out?”

(Later, after the movie…)

Me: “Well.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah.”

Me: “Why did I think that would be good? When are gamer movies ever good?! I am so sorry you spent money on that!”

Boyfriend: “It’s okay. We both had our hopes up.”

(Later, on the subway back to my dorm…)

Me: *panicking* “We need to get off. Now.”

Boyfriend: “But we’re nowhere near your stop…”

(I get off the train, run to the nearest trashcan, and thankfully get there in time to vomit into it.)

Boyfriend: “Oh.”

(Later, at my dorm…)

Me: “So…”

Boyfriend: “Yup…”

Me: “You know, despite absolutely everything today, I really enjoyed myself!”

Boyfriend: “I did too. We’re brain-damaged, aren’t we?”

Me: “I love you, too!”

(We never made plans beyond ‘see each other in person’ for a Valentine’s Day since.)

(Before Valentine’s Day, 2007…)

Me: *to my boyfriend* “Don’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s a waste of money and we can get chocolate for half off the next day.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.”

(Despite what I tell him, I still get flowers delivered to me on Valentine’s Day. I call and berate him.)

Boyfriend: “Well, sometimes girls say they don’t but really do!”

(Before Valentine’s Day, 2008…)

Me: *talking to my next boyfriend* “Don’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s a waste of money and we can get chocolate for half off the next day. I yelled at last year’s boyfriend for doing it.”

Boyfriend #2: “Okay.”

(I still get flowers delivered to me on Valentine’s Day. I call and berate him.)

Boyfriend #2: “Well, sometimes girls say they don’t but really do!”

(Before Valentine’s Day, 2009…)

Me: *to yet ANOTHER boyfriend* “Don’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s a waste of money and we can get chocolate for half off the next day. I yelled at the last two boyfriends for doing it. And it’s your birthday, so seriously. Just don’t.”

Boyfriend #3: “Okay.”

(He doesn’t get flowers for me on Valentine’s Day. I call and thank him.)

Me: “THANK YOU!”

Boyfriend #3: “Well, if you tell me not to do something, I won’t.”

(I’m marrying him this year!)

(I am helping my fiancé clean up his room a little when I find a notebook I recognize.)

Me: “Hey, I found your dream book!”

Fiancé: “My what?”

Me: “Your dream book. I saw it the first time I visited your house. You asked me not to look in it because you had written down some dreams you had with me and you didn’t want me to read them.”

Fiancé: “Oh, yeah, you never told me what you thought of those dreams.”

Me: “What?”

Fiancé: “Wait, you mean you didn’t read it anyway after I left the room?”

Me: “No, why?”

Fiancé: “I had no idea! I wrote a love letter to you on the first page thinking you would instantly start reading after I told you not too.”

Me: “But… I love you. I didn’t want you to get mad at me for looking at it after you asked me not too!”

Fiancé: “Well then read it! It’s really romantic!”

Me: “Okay… but the next time you want me to do something, don’t tell me not to do it!”