(I have a table of four foreign business-men. One of them looks very sad.)

Sad customer: “And also, you bring me tea because this country is very cold and I am sick.”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re not well. Of course I’ll bring you some tea.”

Sad customer: “…and then you marry me, because no-one will marry me.”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

(My boyfriend and I are eating lunch at a fast food restaurant known for its iconic arches. The decor of this particular establishment is a bit tacky, with plastic gold candelabras, “fancy” wallpaper, and paintings. We’ve been together a while and have been planning on getting married.)

Me: “I don’t understand why someone would decorate a [fast food restaurant] like this.”

Boyfriend: “I know. Can you imagine how many people have been married in these places?”

Me: “Oh, I know.”

Boyfriend: “Or how many people have gotten engaged in one?”

Me: *laughs* “Probably too many to count.”

Boyfriend: “Well, there’s about to be one more!” *reaches under the table*

Me: *speechless*

Boyfriend: “I’m kidding! I’m kidding! Oh, you should see your face right now!”

Me: *fuming* “I can’t believe you did that!”

Boyfriend: *laughing*

(He proposed for real a few months later, and we got married the following year.)

Me: “Hello sir, how can I help?”

Customer: “I want to make a complaint about the lady who just served my wife. She is 8 months pregnant. When she came to pay, the checkout girl didn’t offer to help with the packing. She let my wife struggle!”

Me: “I’m really sorry. It’s store policy to ask if the customer needs help with the packing. Do you have the receipt so I can see who served her?”

(I walk over to the till and show the checkout girl the receipt. She explains what happened. I return to the customer.)

Me: “Hi sir, the checkout girl explained that your wife was on her phone at the till. She asked a few times if she needed help packing but she didn’t answer. I’m confident we did all we could to help.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not good enough. I want some money back on the shopping for the poor service. My wife is pregnant and in a lot of pain and had to struggle on her own. No one helped her.”

Me: “This receipt is from a few minutes ago. Can I ask where you were?”

Customer: “I sat in the car waiting for her to come back. What’s that got to do with anything?”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

(I answer the phone at home. A female caller answers.)

Me: “Yup?”

Female caller: “Hello! Is this [name]?”

Me: “That’s me.”

Female caller: “Great! I need your help with something?”

Me: “Sure, what is it?”

Female caller: “Will you marry me?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Female caller: “Yes, I said if you wanted to marry me?”

Me: “I don’t know who you are, first of all.”

Female caller: “I’m [name I don't recognize]. Now, will you?”

Me: “Uh…no. First of all, I have a girlfriend. Second, I’m engaged. Third and final, I’m getting married next week. Better luck with someone else.

Female caller: “So you’re not marrying me?”

Me: “I wouldn’t marry you unless you’re my girlfriend.”

Female caller: “I see. That’s a shame.”

Me: “Huh?”

Female caller: “I am your girlfriend, you dumba**!”

(We still ended up getting married; she was just wondering how faithful I was, apparently!)

(My husband and I have just woken up on a lazy Sunday morning. He rolls over to kiss me.)

Husband: “I never get tired of waking up next to you.”

Me: “Awwww.”

Husband: “I really think I love you the most in the morning.”

Me: “Oh yeah?”

Husband: “Yeah.” *kisses me again* “Because you haven’t had a chance to do anything stupid and f*** it up yet!”

Me: “I see you’re certainly getting an early start, though!”