Boyfriend: “You know, you really should shave your legs more often.”

Me: *changing the subject* “Sooo, what’s on TV?”

(My boyfriend and I are conversing while he walks to his car.)

Boyfriend: “It doesn’t count as time travel, unless it’s at a rate other than one second per second.”

Me: “But, that’s the only kind I know how to do!”

Boyfriend: “Me too! That’s why we’re so close!”

(Two of my married friends are out to dinner with us. The wife is heavily pregnant and going to give birth any day. She has been getting a little swollen in the final days.)

Husband: “Hey, honey. Are you okay?”

Wife: “No, I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

Husband: “Well, you’re looking a little puffy.”

Wife: *death glare* “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Husband: “You look…pretty when you’re puffy! It’s like a pregnant marshmallow!”

(I’m lying in bed with the guy I’m dating. He physically picks me up and moves me to the outside of the bed. I usually sleep on the inside by the wall, so I raise my concern.)

Me: “I have to sleep on the outside? What if I fall off the bed?”

Him: “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you don’t fall off.”

Me: “Aw, that’s sweet.”

Him: “Yeah, I’m going to tie you up. Then you won’t be going anywhere.”

(Even though we chat online, I send my long-distance girlfriend handwritten letters about once or twice a week. This is my first relationship, and I’m not used to writing love letters.)

Me: “This might be the most ridiculous letter I’m composing to you.”

Girlfriend: “Ridiculous?”

Me: “Well, page 2 begins with, ‘Other Things That Count As Tacos‘.”

Girlfriend: “This is going to be awesome to read!”