(My boyfriend is in our living room on the computer. I get up and walk past him on my way to the kitchen. He playfully spanks me.)

Boyfriend: “Not so fast there, sexy pants!”

Me: “Uh… sexy pants?”

Boyfriend: “Yup!”

Me: *looks down* “My pyjama pants have Santa Mickey Mouse’s on them.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, and it’s ho-ho-ho time!”

(It is late evening on Christmas Eve. My husband and I are driving back from his parents’ house, after spending the evening with his family, including his sister and her husband.)

Husband: “It’s midnight. Merry Christmas, baby.”

Me: “Merry Christmas!”

Husband: “Since it’s now technically Christmas Day, I suppose you can open your present. Check the glove compartment.”

(I open it to find a neatly wrapped, box-shaped present.)

Me: “Aw baby!”

Husband: *devilish smile* “Just to warn you, Santa has decided you were naughty this year.”

(I laugh, and open the present expecting to find an ‘adult’ toy. Instead, it is a DVD box set of a TV show.)

Me: “I guess I was the wrong kind of naughty, huh?”

Husband: “Aw, crap!”

(He immediately does a U-turn and starts speeding back towards his parents’ house. It dawns on me what has just happened, and I start laughing hysterically.)

Husband: “Forgive the speeding, but I really don’t want my sister opening my ‘gift’ to her of edible panties.”

(He suddenly gets a phone call from his sister, which he answers on loud-speaker since he is driving.)

Sister-in-law: “First of all, I don’t think I can look at you guys in the eye again until new years. Secondly, my husband says thank you for dessert.”

Via.

Via.

(For Christmas, I make my boyfriend, who is in college, three dozen cookies. Since he is going home for the holidays, I give them to him a week early. I’m calling him to wish him a safe trip home.)

Me: “So, how did you like your Christmas present?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, they were great! I ate them all that night!”

Me: “What?! You ate three dozen cookies by yourself in one sitting?”

Boyfriend: “Well, I didn’t eat all of them. I gave half a dozen to my roommate because he wanted some.”

Me: “That was nice of you.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I would’ve given him more but he was being an a**hole.”

Me: “How so?”

Boyfriend: “He wanted to know where I got them. I said you gave them to me for Christmas and he said, ‘Where’d she buy them?’ So I said, ‘She MADE them,’ and he said, ‘Oh, so you mean she bought one of those pouch things?’ I said, ‘No, she made them from scratch.’ He said, ‘There’s no way she made them! No one makes cookies from scratch any more, especially not young women!’ So, I told him that if he was going to be an a**, I was going to keep the rest of the cookies for myself. He insulted you by saying you couldn’t bake, so I had to eat all of them because he might have tried to steal some while I was sleeping.”

Me: “So, you ate them because he impugned my honor?”

Boyfriend: “Of course!”