(I’m visiting home during the weekend. My boyfriend and I are sitting in my car, spending a few more minutes together before I have to drive back to school.)

Boyfriend: “I’m sleepy.” *closes his eyes*

Me: “Don’t close your eyes. You’ll fall asleep.”

Boyfriend: “But I’m sleepy.”

Me: “But then I can’t spend time with you before I go.”

Boyfriend: “I’m not sleeping. I’m just thinking really really hard.”

Me: “What are you thinking about?”

Boyfriend: “Sleeping.”

Related:
Sleepless In Rebuttal, Part 2
Sleepless In Rebuttal

(My girlfriend is incredibly possessive and insecure. I am out on my first night out with friends in months.)

Girlfriend: *through phone call* “Hey babes, are you coming over tonight?”

Me: “Well, we discussed this earlier. I’m not driving tonight and I’ll be seeing you tomorrow.”

Girlfriend: “What! Have you got some w**** to sleep with?! That’s why you won’t see me, isn’t it?!”

(This continues for another five minutes. My friends, who can hear her, are all wide eyed in shock. Eventually my best friend takes the phone from me.)

My Friend: “Look, shut up. This poor guy has to put up with you and your insecurities almost every day, and I can guarantee no one else would. He deserves a medal for staying with you this long! Now let the man enjoy what time he has with his friends in peace, or I’m going to buy him a hooker just to spite you.” *hangs up on her*

(My boyfriend and I are lying in bed.)

Boyfriend: “I’m going to love you forever. Even when we get old.”

Me: “Even when my boobs sag and touch the floor?”

Boyfriend: “We’ll get duct tape!”

(I’ve just woken up and noticed that there’s more pillows and duvets on the bed than when I went to sleep the night before.)

Me: “What’s this duvet doing here?”

Girlfriend: “You stole both the pillows and the duvet last night.”

Me: “So, why didn’t you steal them back?”

Girlfriend: “I tried, but you started growling at me. I decided it would be easier to just find new ones.”