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  • November Theme Of The Month: Crushes!

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    They Run Rings Around Romance

    | USA | Dating, Engaged

    (My boyfriend and I are lying down watching TV. A commercial comes up for a $2,499 ring for the holiday season. I make a disgruntled noise at the number.)

    Boyfriend: *looks at me, making a worried face* “Okay… I love you but I—”

    Me: “NO! Just, no.”

    Boyfriend: *gives me a confused look*

    Me: “Please, PLEASE don’t spend that much on a ring for me if that happens. That’s just TOO MUCH for a ring!”

    Boyfriend: “I know! Right!?”

    Me: “Yes! I mean I don’t know if I could deny the ring if you’d bought it for that much, but I’d at least ask if you were sure? It is really not that necessary to get a ring THAT expensive!”

    Boyfriend: *laughs* “What about one of those quarter machine rings with Cinderella on them?”

    Me: “S***. Just get me a Ring Pop. At least I can eat that.”

    Doing A Number On His Confidence

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Flirting/How We Met, Young Love

    (I am texting a boy from my school, who I am not very close to.)

    Boy: “Hey… I really think we would work well together. I love spending time with you. Will you go out with me?”

    (I am freaking out, because I barely even know him! But I want to be polite and kind to him.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I think we should just be friends for now.”

    Boy: “Oh, that’s okay. Worth asking. So how have you been?”

    (Personally, I think it is very uncomfortable to continue a conversation with him after I have just turned him down. I don’t want to be rude to him so I reply and we keep talking for several hours. Eventually we get on the subject of nicknames.)

    Boy: “Hey! You should make up a nickname for me!”

    Me: “Um… I’m not really very good at it, but here goes?”

    (I give him a nickname that is just his last name with ‘ie’ added to it.)

    Boy: “That’s great! And your nickname can be Stirrup!”

    Me: “Why would that be my nickname?”

    Boy: “Because your last name is Stirrup!”

    (My last name is not Stirrup. Not even close. At this point I am a little frustrated that he tried to ask me out, considering he doesn’t even know my last name!)

    Me: “Um… No. It’s not. It’s [totally different last name].”

    Boy: “What? Wait… Who is this?”

    Me: “[My Name]…?”

    Boy: “Crap! All my contacts got deleted and I thought this was someone else! I’m so, so sorry!”

    (At this point, all I can do is laugh. We had been talking for several hours and he thought I was someone else! Moral of the story: DO NOT ask someone out over text!)

    Game, Set, Match Made In Heaven

    | England, UK | Dating, Theme Of The Month

    (It is a few weeks before Christmas. My girlfriend and I are swapping presents early as we intend to spend the actual day opening presents with our daughter.)

    Girlfriend: “Here. This is your main present.”

    Me: *I unwrap a copy of ‘Grand Theft Auto V’* “Thanks!”

    Girlfriend: “The little one is in bed. Why don’t you have a play now?”

    Me: “Oh, yeah. Great!”

    (I start the game, and a few minutes in…)

    Girlfriend: “I’m such a good girlfriend. Not only do I buy the exact game you wanted but I let you play it!”

    Me: “To be fair, if you bought it for me and didn’t let me play it, it would make you a pretty lousy girlfriend.”

    Putting The Pun Into Punishment

    | England, UK | Marriage & Partners

    (I play a few rounds of a team-based online game that has REALLY not been kind to me lately, pitting me with completely incompetent allies. I promised my wife after one game I would watch cartoons with her. After a particularly bad game I head upstairs to find her playing ‘The Sims.’)

    Me: “Come on. Save it. I need to watch cartoons before I strangle something. Not you, of course. Just, something.”

    Wife: “Hang on. Just doing this.” *completes a few more actions in her game* “If that game frustrates you so much, why do you play it? I would have stopped ages ago.”

    Me: “I can’t do that. It would be like admitting defeat, that it beat me.”

    Wife: “But I has de-feet already!”

    Me: “Wha…?”

    Wife: “On the ends of my leggies!”

    Me: “Reconsidering strangling you…”

    A Fan Of Her Meow-Meows

    | USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are taking a walk in the trails near his college. As it is secluded, we goof off.)

    Boyfriend: “I love it when you wear sweaters! Your sweater kittens are adorable!” *he cups my breasts*

    Me: “…what?”

    Boyfriend: “Sweater kittens!” *he pokes my breasts as we walk*

    Me: “…okay.”

    Boyfriend: “Would it make you feel better if I called them sweater lions?”

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