(My boyfriend has recently bought some lottery tickets. We are talking about what we would do with the money if he won.)

Boyfriend: “What would you do if I won the jackpot?”

Me: “Marry you.”

Boyfriend: “What if I was a dinosaur? What would you do?”

Me: “We wouldn’t exist in the same era, so I don’t think our relationship would work out.”

Boyfriend: “Let’s pretend we both existed at the same time.”

Me: “Then scientists would want to take you away and run experiments on you. But I guess I would ride you… oh…”

(My boyfriend starts laughing.)

Boyfriend: “That’s the answer I was looking for!”

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From NotAlwaysRight
Jurassic Lark

(I am a lesbian and married. My little sister is introducing my wife around her office building. I have neglected to come along because I have an anxiety disorder. My wife is short, very skinny, and all around tiny.)

My Sister: “…and this is my big sister’s wife.”

Coworker: *looks horrified and says nothing*

My Sister: “They are married.”

Coworker: *still horrified, saying nothing*

My Sister: “They are gay…”

Coworker: *still horrified*

My Sister: “They. Are. Lesbians.”

(My sister is very angry. My wife however, is perfectly calm.)

My Wife: “I’m 26.”

Coworker: “Oh, thank God! Don’t scare me like that!”

(She thought my wife was 14 or 15, and was utterly horrified about that, and not about anything else. I almost peed myself when I heard, but it’s nice to know my little sister has my back.)

(My best friend is getting married. We are at the rehearsal. One of the bows falls out of her bouquet. Her groom picks it up, and decides to stick it to his hair.)

Minister: *sighs* “You’re sure about this guy?”

Groom: “What? A guy can’t be his bride’s wedding present?”

Me: “What if I turned into a zombie right now, and started to eat your brains?”

Girlfriend: “Well, you already eat out one end; you might as well go for the other.”