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    Exes Communicating And Excommunicating

    | Bristol, England, UK | Exes/Old Flames

    (My friends and I have a group chat online. I log in and two others have already been chatting. The two broke up a few weeks ago, and are in mid-conversation.)

    Friend #1: “Clearly I have perfected time travel. What shall I do with it?”

    Friend #2: “Go back and kiss me one last time.”

    (There’s an oddly long pause.)

    Friend #2: “Sorry. I’m tired.”

    Friend #1: “Haha. It’s okay. Me, too.”

    Me: “I’ll just be signing out…”

    A Soft Spot For Her

    | Canada | Dating

    (I’m watching a movie with my boyfriend. He has his head on my stomach so we can both lie on the couch together. I look down at my stomach and make a face.)

    Me: “Bleh, I need to lose this flab.”

    Boyfriend: *in the tone a petulant child* “No!”

    Me: “Did you just tell me no?”

    Boyfriend: *wraps his arms around my belly and growls* “My pillow.”

    Secure Holiday Relationships

    holiday-eating-relationship-fat-seasonal-ecards-someecards

    No Longer Aware Of The Present(s)

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Marriage & Partners, Themed Giveaway

    (My wife and I have gone shopping for the holidays. One of the gifts we bought is for her elderly mother, who lives with us. However, we don’t plan on giving it to her until her birthday in March. My wife leaves the gift sitting out. I ask her about it.)

    Me: “Aren’t you worried your mom will see that sitting there?”

    Wife: “Oh, I already told her that I bought it so she won’t ask anyone else for one.”

    Me: “Okay. But you’re not going to give it to her until her birthday, right?”

    Wife: “Right. She probably will have forgotten about it by then.”

    Me: “You see the flaw in your logic. Don’t you?”

    You’re My Kryptonite

    | CO, USA | Dating, Themed Giveaway

    (I’m in my living room, saying goodbye to the guy I’ve been dating for a few weeks. Earlier that night, we had gone to Walmart, where we had looked at Christmas toys. He has his hands on my shoulders and is turning me side to side. I ‘punch’ him.)

    Boyfriend: “Now make ‘pow’ noises while you do that!”

    Me: *makes noises*

    Boyfriend: “Now you’re just like the Superman action figure from the store!”

    Me: “Are you kidding? I’m way cooler than that Superman!”

    Boyfriend: “How do you figure?”

    Me: “Well, for one, I have way more than 10 action phrases.”

    Boyfriend: “That is true… I guess you are cooler!”


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