(I am meeting a group of my boyfriend’s friends for the first time. I have very big boobs, and am very used to people I meet quickly getting obsessed with talking about them and poking them. I’m perfectly comfortable with it as long as the touching is done only by girls or gay men.)

Boyfriend’s Friend #1: “By the way, [absent friend] told me to tell you that you’re a p***k.”

Boyfriend: “Why?”

Boyfriend’s friend #1: “Because your girlfriend’s got a pretty face, red hair and a giant rack; she’s exactly his type.”

Boyfriend: *hugging me possessively* “Mine.”

Boyfriend’s Friend #2: *who is female* “They are seriously amazing. Can I touch them?”

Me: “Sure, if you really want to—”

Boyfriend: “No! They’re mine!”

Boyfriend’s Friend #1: “Technically, they’re hers.” *gestures to me* “You just have visiting rights.”

Boyfriend: “No! I will fight for full custody!”