(I am getting ready for bed, while my fiancé is lying on the bed and watching me. I bend over to pick up my pyjama pants from the floor.)

Fiancé: “I like your butt.”

Me: “Aw, thank you, baby. I like your butt, too!”

Fiancé: “No, my butt is fat!”

(A moment passes.)

Fiancé: “You know, when I look at your butt, I feel a lot better.”

(My fiancé and I are watching TV and talking. His mother has just been diagnosed with glaucoma, which will cause her to slowly go blind.)

Fiancé: “This is why my mother always gives to the guide dog charities. Because she knew she’d need one some day.”

Me: “I’d love a guide dog if I ever go blind. It would be so much better than the stick.”

Fiancé: “I’d want the dog and the stick. And good vision!”

(My fiancé and I are in bed, and I’m cold.)

Me: “Come here, I need my human blanket.”

Fiancé: “Okay.” *proceeds to lie on top of me*

Me: “Not really what I had in mind…”

Related:
A Blanket Response

(My boyfriend and I have just been making out on the couch to the extent that my hair is pretty messed up, basically sticking straight up on my head. When we stop, he looks at me lovingly and smiles.)

Boyfriend: “You look like a sexy troll doll!”

(I share a flat with my best friend and my boyfriend. My best friend and I are well known for being very intense. My boyfriend tends to be quite laidback and can handle it all very well. However, when we get too intense, even for him, he tends to zone out and just agree to whatever we say.)

Best friend: “We should totally just run London. The world would be so much better if we just ruled something.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah.”

Me: “We would totally make everything awesome. They would play Charlie the unicorn non-stop at Trafalgar square!”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, it would be awesome.”

(He hates Charlie the unicorn, so I figure he’s not listening to us anymore.)

Me: “Babe, are you on facebook on your phone, chatting up other girls because you think I’m insane and fat?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, you’re both, but mostly insane.”

(A look of absolute horror crosses his face as he contemplates what he’s just said. He gets up, grabs a spoon and heads for the door.)

Best friend: “Where are you going?!”

Boyfriend: “Digging myself a hole to live in for the rest of my life. It was fun knowing you.”

Related:
Wishful Hearing

(My boyfriend and I have been friends online for years. We recently started dating, though since it’s long distance we Skype every day. During a video call, I am wearing a long sleeved, red and black, striped shirt.)

Boyfriend: “I like your shirt.”

Me: “Oh, thank you!”

Boyfriend: “You look like Freddy Krueger!”

(I raise a brow and chuckle.)

Me: “Uh, thank you?”

(He grins and speaks in the most cutesy tone possible.)

Boyfriend: “No wonder you’re always in my dreams!”

(My boyfriend and I are watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with my mother. My boyfriend notoriously tends to like the bad guys in movies because they are funnier to watch.)

Me: “So, if you were in Draco Malfoy’s position, which side would you take?”

Mum: “Well, Malfoy can’t take sides. He’s stuck.”

Boyfriend: *fist pumping the air* “Harry’s side!”

(My mum and I look at him.)

Boyfriend: “What? Voldemort kills Unicorns! He must be destroyed!”

(I am visiting my parents in another province for Easter. My boyfriend texts me to find out if we can have a phone date before I get home the next day.)

Boyfriend: “Sup?”

Me: “Knitting and watching Jeopardy. You?”

Boyfriend: “Don’t forget your prune juice.”

Me: “I’m drinking coffee. F*** you.”

Boyfriend: “I don’t know. Don’t want to break your hip.”

Me: “Shut up!”

Boyfriend: “Whoa there. Getting a little edgy, huh? Have you had your nap yet?”

Me: “I’m gonna kick your butt, sonny boy.”

Boyfriend: “I’ll just have to keep farther than your oxygen tank cord can reach.”

Me: “No lovin’ tomorrow.”

Boyfriend: “The Alzheimer’s will kick in and you’ll forget you said that.”