(My girlfriend and I are discussing sexual positions. We’re both into BDSM, and thus are rather open-minded about threesomes and the like.)

Me: “So, let’s talk about having… vanilla… sex.”

Girlfriend: “Why? Do you feel like doing missionary tonight?”

Me: “Well sure, if you can find the missionary.”

Girlfriend: “Wow, I should’ve seen that coming.”

(I suffer from a psychiatric condition that sometimes causes me to forget words and names.)

Husband: “Do you need something from the kitchen while I’m there?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like some… you know, the sweet thing? With ‘fss-fss’, and my… my…” *makes drinking gesture* “…with the tail on it.”

Husband: “Okay!”

(He comes back with hot cocoa, with whipped cream, in my little mermaid mug.)

Me: “…we have been married for too long.”

(My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship from different colleges.)

Boyfriend: “Why can’t our relationship be easy for once?”

Me: “Because it’s a long-distance relationship. They’re never easy.”

Boyfriend: “Hard is true, but this is like level nine in Super Smash Bros hard!”

Me: “…and this is why it keeps working anyway.”

(My husband and I are cuddling in bed, pretty sleepy. The movie “Princess Bride” is mentioned.)

Husband: “Please don’t ever push me off a cliff.”

Me: “Please don’t ever pretend to be dead, and then pretend to be someone else.”

(My husband laughs.)

Me: “You know, if you did something like that, I actually would push you off a cliff.”

(My husband stops laughing.)

(My boyfriend is in a really bad mood. I’m trying to cheer him up.)

Me: “I just want to pick you up and hug you until rainbows fly out of your a**! But I can’t do that, so you’re going to have to help me come up with an alternative!”