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    You Should Hear My Phone Number


    Romance Abhors A Vacuum

    | Lufkin, TX, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (Hubby and I are cuddling in bed before sleep.)

    Husband: “Hey, did you have a bad dream last night?”

    Me: “Yeah, I think so. Kind of. Why do you ask?”

    Husband: “You sat up quickly and started yelling “No, no, god, no!” at the top of your voice. Then you laid back down.”

    Me: “What did you do?”

    Husband: “I told you, ‘God, yes’ so you grabbed my hand and placed it on your boob. What did you dream about?”

    Me: *bursts into laughter* “That you were trying to have sex with me, but you couldn’t figure out how, so you were doing a vacuum instead.”

    Husband: *looks horrified* “Did I finally figure out how?”

    Me: “No. You finally divorced me in the dream and got married to your girlfriend, Dyson, instead.”

    How To Dream-Train Your Dragon

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Dating

    (I’ve just woken up, and my obviously mostly-asleep girlfriend rolls over and starts talking to me.)

    Girlfriend: “I just dreamed that I was training a dragon to sit on an orange.”

    Me: “Uh, wow, that’s some pretty advanced dragon training.”

    Girlfriend: “But it wouldn’t sit still long enough…”

    Me: “Perhaps you should have started with basic dragon training?”

    Girlfriend: “The dragon doesn’t need training.”

    Me: “…Then what does it need?”

    Girlfriend: “An orange.”

    (She then rolled back over and went back to sleep.)

    An Unexpected Burrito

    | CA, USA | Dating

    Me: “Hey, babe, how do you feel about burritos for dinner tonight?”

    Boyfriend: “Hmm.”

    Me: “Burritos and beer?”

    Boyfriend: “Ooh.”

    Me: “Burritos, beer, and all three Hobbit movies?”

    Boyfriend: “Yes! Oh, my god! I love you!”

    Me: “Okay, burritos it is. And I love you, too.”

    Boyfriend: “I love you more.”

    Me: “Pfft. I would walk barefoot through a sea of Legos for you.”

    Boyfriend: “I would walk naked through a swimming pool full of carbonation and pop rocks for you.”

    Me: “…My god, man. You DO love me!”

    Girlfriend Is Angry


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