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  • Having Trouble Exorcizing The Ex
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  • Can’t Be Sick Of You If I Tried

    | Maugansville, MD, USA | Dating

    (I have frequent seizures due to a medical problem that has not been diagnosed yet. I’m due to go to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, Maryland. My boyfriend had a twin sister who had a seizure that caused a heart attack which resulted in her death.)

    Boyfriend: “I promise I’ll see you everyday and bring you flowers and hold you as long as they let me.”

    Me: *not wanting to bring up his sister; as it is a very touchy subject I try to talk around it* “I’ll be in here for two weeks at minimum, [Boyfriend]. That’s at least a four hour drive here and back.”

    Boyfriend: “You mean that much to me. I don’t mind.”

    Me: “But—”

    Boyfriend: “My sister died from a seizure. I didn’t visit her once because I couldn’t bear to see her like that. She died and I didn’t get to tell her how much I loved her. I’m not losing you too. I’ll be here everyday as long as they let me.”

    (Twelve years later and he proposed!)

    You’re Her Favorite Squeeze

    | Lugano, Switzerland | Dating

    (My girlfriend has the habit of squeezing any spots containing ingrown hair. She tends to sneak up to do it, when I’m in the bathroom brushing my teeth or shaving.)

    Girlfriend: “Oh, look at that, it’s gigantic!”

    Me: *just leaving the shower, drying myself* “Thanks honey.”

    Girlfriend: “I’ll just quickly…” *starts squeezing*

    Me: *jumping surprised and almost falling* “STOP IT, WOMAN! Let me at least finish drying myself. Then I’m gonna lie down on the bed, and you can have all the fun you want.”

    Girlfriend: “…”

    Me: *realizing what I just said* “I meant squeezing whatever you want. Ah, I’m not making it better. I’ll just stop right here.”

    His Secret Is Bigger Than Victoria’s

    | NY, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I mutually decided to wait until after our wedding to be intimate. My fiancé had no experience in that department of any kind, so as a treat we went shopping together the week before our wedding so he could pick out a pair of lingerie for me.)

    Me: *pointing to a pretty silky bra* “Ooh, look at that one! It’s so soft. I’d be petting myself the whole time I was wearing it.”

    Fiancé: “Very pretty! I’d be petting myself, too!”

    Me: *valiantly trying not to laugh, knowing he meant to say something else*

    Fiancé: “What?”

    Me: *repeats what he said*

    (It took him a couple minutes to stop laughing at himself and tell me he meant to say ‘I’d be petting you, too.’)

    I’m Going To Blow Your Mind

    | NY, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I are discussing a couple of mutual friends that we recently started to hang out with more. He is driving.)

    Fiancé: “It’s weird. I never would have thought I’d say this, but I think [Mutual Friends]—”

    (He is cut off in traffic and stops talking for a moment.)

    Me: “I think so, too.”

    Fiancé: *staring* “What?”

    Me: “I said I think so, too.”

    Fiancé: “I never finished my sentence.”

    Me: “You were going to say you think they’ll be lifelong friends, right?”

    Fiancé: “…yes. How did you know?”

    Me: “I’m in yo’ BRAIN!”

    Fiancé: “Well get out! You don’t want to know what else is in there.”

    Me: “Oh, I already had a look around. Kind of a scary place, dear.”

    Jumping To Hysterical Conclusions

    | NY, USA | Engaged

    (I am allergic to spider venom, whereas my fiancé is not. He is also rather stoic about bugs and is not really afraid of any of them. This happens when we are riding to his house in the car.)

    Me: *suddenly stiffening* “Honey, there’s a jumping spider right by your head! Don’t move suddenly, or he might jump toward me.”

    Fiancé: *trying to look out of the corner of his eye* “Where? Don’t worry about it. They can’t jump far. An inch, maybe?”

    Me: *leaning as far away as possible* “No, honey, it can jump as far as me over here.”

    Fiancé: *suddenly tense* “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yep. And it’s moving, now. Watch out.”

    (I keep him updated on the location of the spider as we drive down the road, with him getting more and more uncharacteristically nervous. Eventually, the spider slides into a crack in the door and is no longer visible.)

    Fiancé: *glances over and realizes the spider is gone and suddenly screams at the top of his lungs* “OH, MY GOD! IT JUMPED! OH, MY GOD, WHERE IS IT! HOLY CRAP, IT JUMPED!”

    Me: *laughing hysterically* “HONEY! Calm down. It went into the car door.”

    Fiancé: *still yelling* “ARE YOU SURE?! OH, MY GOD, IT JUMPED!”

    Me: *crying from laughing so hard* “It’s just hiding! It didn’t jump on you!”

    Fiancé: *hyperventilating*

    Me: “Do you need to pull the car over? Why are you freaking out so much?”

    Fiancé: “I DON’T KNOW!”

    Me: “I’m the one who’s allergic, not you! Why are you so scared all the sudden?”

    Fiancé: “I DON’T KNOW!” *slowly looks to his door* “Can you still see it?”

    Me: “Yes, honey, it’s still in the door.”

    Fiancé: “Oh, thank God.” *thinks about what just happened* “…I need to hand in my man card, now, don’t I?”

    Me: “Not your best moment, honey.”

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