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    Some Guys Have Relationships With Their Couches

    | Australia | Marriage & Partners

    (When my partner gets sick, he has some weird thought patterns. This conversation happens as we’re lying in bed, close to sleep.)

    Partner: “Wow! Your leg is so soft! Like a really soft couch.”

    Me: “You could have said like a really soft anything, really.”

    Partner: “There are some very soft couches, you know. If you were a couch, I would totally sit on you.”

    Me: *starts laughing* “Aww, babe.”

    Partner: “And I’d put a hole in you and… be delighted.”

    Me: *crying with laughter*

    Partner: “Prison mattress style love! But you make a prison mattress look like a cheap ugly prostitute…”

    (And with that he fell asleep.)

    Putting The Love Into Lovecraft, Part 2

    | Anderson Island, WA, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (Even after 23 years of marriage, my husband and I are still enthusiastic kissers. Last night we’re sharing a lingering goodnight kiss, when he starts making loud sucking and slobbering noises…)

    Me: “What are you doing?”

    Husband: “Cthulhu kisses!”

    Putting The Love Into Lovecraft

    Only Heavy Films Win Oscars

    | Sweden | Marriage & Partners

    (My partner and I are sitting at home, reading stuff on the internet.)

    Partner:Gravity won an Oscar?”

    Me: “Yeah, I think it won a bunch.”

    Partner: “Gravity, like the force of nature?”

    Me: ‘Yes… Wait. What? No…’

    Doesn’t Find It A-Meow-sing

    | Schaumburg, IL, USA | Engaged, Fights/Breakups

    (I live with my fiancé, whom I have been dating for 12 years. We have been engaged for four of them. He and my online friend are both male. My friend and I are paying online, while my fiancé is in the same room.)

    Me: “I miss cats. I need a cat.”

    Friend: “Can’t you get one?”

    Me: “My housing arrangements don’t allow it.”

    Friend: *meows*

    Me: *meows back*

    Friend: *meows again*

    Me: *meows*


    C***-Blocked By The Captain

    | Canada | Dating, Top

    (It’s my first time in my girlfriend’s bedroom. We’re on the bed, getting into it.)

    Girlfriend: “Oh, oh, oh, Steve.”

    Me: *freezing* “Who the f*** is Steve?”

    (She freezes also, and turns bright red.)

    Girlfriend: “Um. Steve…” *flinches* “Rogers?”

    Me: “What?”

    (She reaches into the table beside her bed, and pulls out a movie magazine.)

    Girlfriend: “So. Yeah. Um. Yeah. Fair warning: If ever the opportunity arises, I’m totally leaving you for Captain America.”

    Me: “… Yeah, I’d probably leave you for him, too.”

    (We stare at each other for under a minute before putting the movie on and resuming our activities.)

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