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    I Mentally Scream For Ice Cream

    | Canberra, ACT, Australia | Engaged

    (My fiancée, her housemate, and I have just picked up fast food for dinner and are now watching a movie.)

    Fiancée: *pokes me*

    (I get up and get her the ice-cream tub from the freezer and a spoon. A few spoons later…)

    Fiancée: *pokes me with ice-cream*

    (I get up and put the ice-cream back in the freezer and the spoon in the sink and then pass her a macaroon.)

    Me: “This is going on NotAlwaysRomantic. We know each other too well.”

    Boy! What A Woman!

    | London, England, UK | Flirting/How We Met

    (I have a friend who acts like a tomboy. One day, as we are speaking with each other, we pass a boy who she has a huge crush on.)

    Boy: “Are you sure you’re a girl? Because you sure don’t act like one!”

    Friend: *seductive smirk* “I don’t know. Should I check? Or do you want to check for me?”

    Lower Your Ex-pectations

    | Boston, MA, USA | Dating, Exes/Old Flames

    (I’m playing designated-driver for the night during a night out with and ex and his new girlfriend. My ex and I are still friendly but we don’t hang out or talk regularly. I’m hesitant to go as my ex turns into an a** when drunk but I end up going with them after he’s sworn up and down he’s changed and just wants to catch up. Not surprisingly, he gets thoroughly tanked.)

    Ex: *leaning over to me whispering horridly* “Hey, you see that girl there? She’s my ex and she still totally wants it.”

    Ex’s Girlfriend: *nervously* “Wrong shoulder, sweetheart.”

    Ex: “It’s totally pathetic that she hasn’t gotten over me. She wasn’t even good in bed.

    (His girlfriend gives me a sympathetic look and starts to make the excuse that ‘he’s drunk’ but I stop her.)

    Me: “No, stop. You know what’s really pathetic? The fact that he hasn’t changed a bit. I left him because he was a f****** drunk. I agreed to this outing because he swore up and down he’s changed and that it wouldn’t be awkward. We broke up five years ago and I haven’t regretted it a single second of my life.”

    Ex: *to his girlfriend* “She’s such a b****. That’s why I left her. That and because—” *yelling now* “—she sucks in the sack!”

    Ex’s Girlfriend: “This is so dumb. If she’s so pathetic then why are you the one talking about it? I’ve had enough. I’m done with you!”

    Ex: *shouting* “Yeah, well, f*** you, too! You’re the worst lay ever!”

    (The bartender came over and had our ex kicked out of the bar. Then he paid for our taxi home after deciding that we deserved a good stiff drink for having had to deal with an a** for however long we dated him.)

    Throw In Their Garlic Festival For Good Measure…

    | CA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I currently reside in the Bay Area. We are planning to move in together at the end of this year and I’ve found an option out in Gilroy.)

    Me: “The only reason why I’m not so gung-ho about moving down there is because of the blazing heat during the summer.”

    Boyfriend: “I don’t it’s that bad out there…”

    Me: “Yes, it is! It’s like the freakin’ right armpit of the Bay Area!”

    Boyfriend: “The right armpit?”

    Me: “Yeah! See, since the Bay Area stretches out from North to South, imagine there’s someone who has their arms stretched out from side to side. And imagine that California doesn’t bathe or shower or whatever. So, Pacifica is like the left armpit, and then Gilroy is—”

    Boyfriend: “Stop it! I’m eating!”

    The Absolute Wrongest Cookie Recipe

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I are lying in bed when I have a sudden craving for chocolate chip cookies. Note that my fiancé wants several kids while I only want one or two.)

    Me: “I really want to bake some cookies with you.”

    Fiancé: “I want to bake some cookies with you, too! And by ‘cookies’ I mean children. And by ‘bake’ I mean sex.”

    Me: “So… you want to ‘sex some children’ with me?”

    Fiancé: “Wait, no! I mean… Shush! You know what I mean!”

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