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    Make Hay While The Sun Shines

    | UK | Flirting/How We Met

    (I am hanging out at the back of a barn owned by my friend’s family, waiting for said friend to show up so we can go out some place. Note, I am female, a lesbian, and have a self-admittedly deep obsession with puns.)

    Friend: *walking up to me* “Hey.”

    Me: *slightly absent-mindedly* “Hey.”

    (Less than a second seems to pass, and a couple of my other friends appear and walk past.)

    Both Friends: “Hey.”

    Me: “Oh, hey…”

    (I notice something seems up at this point; both of the other friends who just walked by usually never come around the area. Just then, the girl I have a crush on comes by, with a huge bale of hay under her arm.)

    Crush: “Hay. And you there:” *pointing at me* “Hey, gorgeous. I’ve been wondering, do you wanna go on a date sometime?”

    (I basically leapt out of my skin at this point. My crush was notorious for hating puns with a passion. It turned out that she and my three friends all devised this plan so that she could ask me out. We’ve been dating for two and a half years now!)

    Butching About You

    | CA, USA | Engaged, LGBTQ

     

    (My fiancée and I are both women, but while she is very feminine, I am very masculine. Today, she has gotten a haircut and dye job done, and she is very happy with it.)

    Me: “Have you taken a picture of you with your new haircut for Instagram?”

    Fiancée: “No, not yet.”

    Me: “Well, you should. Because that’s what you do. You’re a basic b****.”

    Fiancée: “Yeah, I know.”

    Me: “I can’t be a basic b****, though. I’m too masculine.”

    Fiancée: “That’s true. You can’t be.”

    Me: “So what would you call me, then?”

    Fiancée: “A basic butch.”

    Only Slightly Less


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    Should Hose Down That Thought

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My wife, another couple, and I are eating dinner while watching high school students enter their prom across the street. We see a girl walk across the street carrying her shoes, while wearing pantyhose.)

    Friend: “That would ruin the stockings pretty quickly.”

    Me: “Maybe she doesn’t care that they get damaged. Maybe they’re one night hose.”

    Everyone: “…”

    Me: “That didn’t sound too good.”

    The Stark Naked Life-Changer

    | USA | Dating, Long Distance

    (My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. I frequently like to call him on the phone when he doesn’t pick up his Skype. This time, I call him while he is finishing up his shower, and this conversation takes place when he is back on Skype after the shower.)

    Me: *flabbergasted* “I still don’t see why you even picked up in the first place!”

    Boyfriend: *nonchalantly* “Well, I was just enjoying the warm water, and I figured that it was you who was calling, so I picked up.”

    Me: *I still find it extremely odd* “But that is weird!”

    Boyfriend: “How is it weird?”

    Me: *acting as if it defies physics* “You don’t just pick up the phone while you are showering!”

    Boyfriend: “It was just a phone call. So what?”

    Me: “No, you don’t see how it was weird. You picked up the phone when you were butt-naked!!! That is weird!”

    Boyfriend: “So what? Not like you can see me naked.”

    Me: “But you still were! Talking on the phone when one person just got out of the shower is like standing outside of their bathroom nonchalantly talking to them! It is just weird.”

    Boyfriend: “…Sweetie, did you ever stop to think that maybe you are the weird one?”

    Me: *as if all my life has been a lie* “No… I am going to hide in a corner now and rethink life.”

    Boyfriend: “You go do that, Sweetie. Love you!”

    Me:*whines* “I don’t know myself anymore…”


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