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  • Facing The Romance
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  • Do You Wanna Build A Dough-Man?

    | UK | Dating

    (My boyfriend has a habit of sleep-talking when he has been overtired from working. This was the first time I heard him doing it not long after we moved in together.)

    Boyfriend: *sits up in bed* “Guess what?”

    Me: “What?”

    Boyfriend: “I just got the best idea.”

    Me: “What?”

    Boyfriend: “Let’s make a man. Let’s make a man out of dough!”

    Me: “What are you talking about?”

    Boyfriend: “I knew you wouldn’t understand. You’re so uncreative.”

    (And with that he lay back down and started snoring! He still doesn’t believe that he talks in his sleep!)

    The Tragic Cut Down Of Cutlery

    | HomeWilliamsport, PA, USA | Engaged

    (It’s national novel writing month, and I’m participating. This means that my already bizarre imagination is working overtime. It should also be noted that I keep plastic spoons by my bedside to snack on low fat peanut butter from time to time.)

    Me: *taking the last spoon out of the box* “This is my last spoon.”

    Fiancée: “I’ll get you more tomorrow when I go shopping.”

    Me: “You don’t understand. This reminds me of my uncle. He was a spoon, too… but he was killed during the last Great Utensil War.”

    Fiancée: “The what?!”

    Me: “He was… He was…” *sniff* …standing guard, when he was ambushed by a group of butter knives hiding in a salad. Their reflective surfaces helped them to blend in with their surroundings.”

    Fiancée: “I’m going back to playing my video game.”

    Me: “Uncle Spoony never stood a chance.”

    Fiancée: “You need help.”

    Me: “They forked him up pretty bad.”

    Fiancée: “It’s a good thing I love you, or one of us would be packing right now, and I don’t think it would be me.”

    The Purr-fect Treatment

    | UT, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband has come down with a cold, and is really congested. He is kind of mopey and a little bit whiney. Also note, we have two cats, neither of which is very cuddly.)

    Me: *walking up to him* “Maybe the healing power of my boobs will help your face feel better. Want to try?”

    Husband: “Yeah, let’s try that.” *leans forward, pressing his head into my chest* “You know what this is missing? Purring. Please purr for me.”

    Me: *tries purring* “It’s not working. It’s coming out like a pigeon coo.”

    Husband: “Get a cat. We need the healing properties of cat purrs, and you’re not working right.”

    Me: “Wait, you’re going to press your face against my boobs, as well as a cat?”

    Husband: “Yeah, if I tilt my head to the side, it’ll work! Cat here:” *points to one side of his face* “…and a cat here:” *points to the other side of his face*

    Me: “And breathing?”

    Husband: “That’s not going well as is, so, well, maybe I can get away with skipping it.”

    Lacking The Energy To Study

    | Sweden | Dating

    (I am sitting at my computer, working on my Swedish homework. It’s going slowly. My boyfriend comes lurking in the background.)

    Boyfriend: “Haven’t gone far, have you? Wait, I read somewhere…”

    (He goes to the coffee table and brings back our candle lighter. He holds it just above the surface of my glass of water. He turns it on.)

    Boyfriend: “You can burn water!” *he clicks the lighter a couple of times*

    Me: “What the…?”

    Boyfriend: “Now you can drink the energy of the fire!”

    He’s Taken With You

    | Henrietta, NY, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband likes to go into grand speeches about how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. Usually this is great, but not always.)

    Husband: “You’re so beautiful.”

    Me: “Aww, thanks honey.”

    Husband: “You’re the kind of beautiful where I’d be worried to take you to Europe or something because I’d be concerned you’d be kidnapped and sold into sex trade.”

    Me: *burst out laughing* “That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said!”

    Husband: “Well…”

    Me: “This is so going on Not Always Romantic.”

    Husband: *sighs* “As soon as I said it, I knew…”


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