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    Germaniac

    | Leipzig, Germany | Flirting/How We Met

    (Being single I try to contact girls via online dating sites. One girl from my town didn’t had much about herself on her profile so I decided to contact her, asking her about things about her, signing with my real first name. Soon, she replied to me:)

    Her: “Well, I’m new on this site, haven’t filled in much.”

    Me: “No worries. What is your name?”

    Her: “I’m [Nickname], as you can see.”

    Me: “I was thinking more about your real name.”

    Her: “I have a nickname here, so no need for the real name.”

    Me: “I think you can learn about each other better.”

    Her: “No need. We have nicknames here.”

    Me: “I see. What do you do? What is your job?”

    Her: “I don’t work for [Dating Site]. I’m only a user here.”

    Me: “I understand that. But what is your job, in general, not on [Dating Site]?”

    Her: “I said, I don’t work for [Dating Site]. I am only here for contacts.”

    Me: “Are you a student or unemployed?”

    Her: “No, I’m not.”

    (I tried to change the subject by asking other questions but she only replied to me, without asking me anything. I wasn’t sure if she was not interested or just shy. After a while I had to go offline to go to work.)

    Me: “Sorry, maybe we can talk later. I need to go to work.”

    Her: “Work? It’s 20:30.”

    Me: “Yes, this is correct.”

    Her: “Are you a bouncer? At 20:30 all the work should have been done.”

    Me: “It’s my nightshift.”

    Her: “This wouldn’t be for me and my two children.”

    Me: “Children? On your profile it is said that you don’t have any.”

    Her: “I see. German is not your real language, as you can’t even read.”

    (I look back to the chat and realize that she actually wrote: “my FUTURE two children.”)

    Me: “Ah, sorry, I misread the word ‘future.'”

    Her: “I see, you aren’t a real German. You can’t even read.”

    Me: “Hey, this was just a small mistake, it can happen to anyone. You misread my lines, too.”

    Her: “This would never happen.”

    Me: “I was asking about your job earlier and you were talking about the site.”

    Her: “You asked me ‘what is your job here.’ So I replied that I don’t work here.”

    Me: “I asked ‘what is your job?’ In general, not here. And you are talking about German?”

    Her: “You forgot one word there.”

    Me: “I’m not. I just wanted to know about you. You missed one word. I don’t say you can’t speak this language.”

    Her: “My native language is German. This can never happen.”

    Me: “Never mind. Have a nice day.”

    Strange Email Address


    hrhh_humor_1_27_1248p

    If You Can’t Sleep, Try And Tripod Again

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Dating

    (My girlfriend is asleep, and I’m at my laptop, when I hear her suddenly speak from the bed.)

    Girlfriend: “Oh, my god…”

    Me: *thinking she’s gotten her phone and is looking at the news in bed, as she sometimes does* “What is it?”

    Girlfriend: “The… the tripods have, like… tripods on them.”

    Me: “…Huh?”

    Girlfriend: “Yeah, it’s like… you know. They’re everywhere…”

    Me: *finally realizing that she is not in fact awake* “Oookay, go back to sleep, love. *quickly posts the conversation to social media*

    Differing Heights Of Reason

    | USA | Dating

    (My girlfriend and I are waiting for our order in a coffee shop on a very busy day, so much so that there is no place to sit. She and I are standing next to each other, among other people waiting for their coffee. I am almost 6’1″ and my girlfriend is 5’5″.)

    Girlfriend: *looking up at me* “You’re so tall.”

    Me: *smiling* “I guess you could say that.”

    (There is a moment of silence.)

    Girlfriend: “I’m really short.”

    Me: “Not really.”

    Girlfriend: “No, no, I am. I’m short. I barely come up to your chest!”

    Me: “Short girls are hot.”

    Girlfriend: *after thinking that over* “You need someone taller than me.”

    Me: “Why?”

    Girlfriend: “So my hot self and I can go get a hot guy!”

    (The wedding is in six months.)

    Thirty Years Of Good Advice

    | Ireland | Advice, Marriage & Partners

    (I work as a receptionist at a therapy centre. One of our physical therapists has a regular client who is an elderly man from near my hometown, so we hit it off from day one. I got married recently, so was away for two weeks. When I come back…)

    Client: “Well, how are you now?”

    Me: “I’m good, [Client], how are you?”

    Client: “Ah, not too bad now. How’s married life?”

    Me: *tired of this question but unable to get annoyed with him* “You know, it’s no different if I’m honest. Just, everyone asks that.”

    Client: “Ach, well, just remember: The first thirty years are the hardest.”

    (If I’m honest, that was probably the best marriage advice I got from anyone…)


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