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  • Cut To Commercial Breakup

    | Gainesville, FL, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I have plans on getting married but are currently not engaged.)

    Me: “So, how are you gonna propose to me?”

    Boyfriend: “In a Spanish soap opera.”

    Me: *ignoring him* “I wanna be proposed to in Disney.”

    Boyfriend: “You and I will be lovers and we will get engaged because it is in the script.”

    Me: “But I want Disney.”

    Boyfriend: “And after we get engaged an ex-lover will find us.”

    Me: “My ex-lover?”

    Boyfriend: “No! Mine… and yours!”

    Me: “What?!”

    Boyfriend: “Exactly! You will say “but como estas, que ella!,” and I will say “but como ella noooooo” and right then it will cut to commercials.”

    Such A Wrong Way To Be Right

    | Toowoomba, QLD, Australia | Dating, Fights/Breakups

    (My boyfriend and I had been arguing for sometime over something.)

    Me: “You’re wrong. You’re never right.”

    Boyfriend: “No. I’m right and you’re wrong.”

    Me: “How the h*** do you know that you’re right?”

    Boyfriend: “Well, it’s kinda like the feeling when you know you gotta take a s***.”

    Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 14

    | Westchester, NY, USA | Dating

    (It’s the weekend and I’m about to text my boyfriend to ask if he’s awake yet, not wanting to call and wake him up. Before I can send it, he texts me, so I then proceed to call him.)

    Boyfriend: “Hey.”

    Me: “Hey, I was just gonna text and ask if you’re awake, but you answered that for me.”

    Boyfriend: “Oh, I’m not actually awake right now.”

    Me: “Wow, you’re impressive when you’re asleep!”

    Boyfriend: “Of course I am. I can do all sorts of amazing things while I’m asleep. You should know.”

    Me: “In my experience it’s mostly farting.”

    Boyfriend: “Are you saying that’s not impressive??”

    Me: “Oh, no. They’re definitely impressive!”

    Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 13
    Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 12
    Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 11

    Monitoring The Breakup Situation

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Advice, Fights/Breakups

    (A friend of mine is dumped rather cruelly out of the blue by her boyfriend for being ‘too weird’ for his tastes. To help cheer her up, I’ve taken her to the local pet store to get something to help fill the void in her life.)

    Me: “So, we need suggestions for a pet that’s loyal and affectionate.”

    Employee: “Well, we’ve got a lovely variety of kittens that need a good home. They’re nice and soft and will grow up to be very friendly when they get older.”

    Friend: “Yeah that’s cute, but my family had plenty of cats and kittens. I’d prefer something different.”

    Employee: “Hmm, well we also do rabbits. They don’t shed that much and you still get the benefits fuzz therapy and a nice quiet, loving pet.”

    Friend: “No, rabbits are boring. No offense but I’m not that kind of person.”

    (The employee looks her up and down, taking note of her attire and hair style.)

    Employee: “Hmm, let me try one other thing.”

    (He walks off and comes back holding, of all things, a baby savannah monitor lizard. My friend promptly goes wide eyed.)

    Friend: “Is that a…. Wait, you’re allowed to sell those now?”

    Employee: “Yep, he’s the first monitor we’ve gotten in, which technically makes him the most exotic thing in the store currently. He’s a bit off the beaten path, but I thought he might be more to your liking.”

    (My friend looks at the little reptile, which in turn cocks its head and looks back up at her.)

    Friend: “Uh, can I hold it?”

    (The employee hands her the monitor which promptly scurries up her arm and climbs into a pocket on her jacket.)

    Employee: “They’re also perfect for carrying around when they’re young due to their preference of wanting to curl up somewhere and sit still.”

    (I can see the faintest hint of a smile on my friend’s face as the monitor pops its head out and flicks its tongue at her.)

    Friend: “So, uh… do they get bigger later in life?”

    (The employee nods and begins to go in depth about housing, feeding and the what-not while I wander off. After some time I walk back to the registers and find my friend now setting down a complete beginners terrarium set, plus bedding, food, a mister, and the monitor which is still sitting happily in her pocket.)

    Me: “My, my, it seems someone managed to make a new friend.”

    Friend: “Mmm, I’m thinking he’s going to be more of my personal boyfriend tester from now on. If they aren’t okay with him, then they aren’t worth my time.”

    Me: “So he’s going to be your monitor both by name and by function?”

    (My friend nodded with the biggest smile imaginable. Several years later she’s now with a much more like-minded boyfriend whom she thanks ‘Cubby’ (as she named the monitor) for helping her find.)

    We All Like Mike

    | Iowa City, IA, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (I’m at an anime convention, and I’m hanging out and flirting with a guy I met there, who happens to be named Mike.)

    Me: *frustrated at messing up something simple* “Oh, for the love of Mike!”

    (He and his sister both look at me in shock and horror.)

    Me: “…oh, not you!”

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