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    Death-Bed Of Roses

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Dating

    (A very dapper customer dressed in a black three piece suit comes in, looking for a rose for his girlfriend. I show him a large, beautiful red rose.)

    Me: “This one will last the longest.”

    Customer: “That doesn’t matter much. She keeps them until they’re dead.”

    Me: “Oh, well this one will look the prettiest for the longest.”

    Customer: “No, I mean she wants them to die. She likes dead roses and decorates the house with them.”

    Me: “…oh.”

    (As we don’t sell dead flowers, he buys a rose and leaves. My coworker and I sing the Addams Family theme for the rest of the day.)

    Not Really Driving Home The Point

    | CA, USA | Engaged

    (We’re talking on the phone. We’re both having a bad day.)

    Fiancé: “Well, I’ve got some news.”

    Me: “What?”

    Fiancé: *quoting a commercial to be funny* “I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.”

    Me: “…you don’t have a car.”

    Fiancé: “SHHHH! They don’t know that!”

    A Ripe Challenge

    | CO, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are texting. He has asked me out to coffee the next morning, but I decline because I have two exams to study for. After about thirty minutes of silence, he texts me back.)

    Boyfriend: “You’ re like my avocados. They look delicious, but they won’t be ready for a couple days.”

    Me: “That’s so… sweet?”

    Boyfriend: “I never claimed to be clever, but I can be different!”

    Never Ending Con(text)s

    | USA | Dating, Long Distance, Top

    (I text my boyfriend constantly, since we live so far apart. My friend makes constant remarks about how I am glued to my phone.)

    Friend: “Okay, I know you never see him, but how can you text your boyfriend 24/7!?”

    Me: “I don’t know. We just enjoy conversing with each other.”

    Friend: “Don’t you ever run out of things to talk about?”

    Me: “No, not really.”

    Friend: “Oh please, you can’t carry on a conversation for DAYS without running out of things to talk about. What have you texted today?”

    Me: “Well, we were talking about video games. Then it switched to Jurassic Park… then religion… and now we are talking about ways to induce mass hallucinations on a population without them noticing.”

    Friend: “…carry on…”

    Sushi Deep-Pan Pizza

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Dating

    (I’m reading, and my boyfriend is playing a video game. I start talking out of nowhere.)

    Me: “I wonder what Italian food in Japan tastes like.”

    Boyfriend: “WHAT?”

    Me: “Well, you know how American Italian food is mostly invented in America? It doesn’t exist in Italy, and is just supposed to appeal to Americans. Wouldn’t it be the same elsewhere? So I wonder what Japanese Italian food is like.”

    Boyfriend: “…”

    Me: “Also, I wonder, do they go out for American food? And, would Americans even recognize the stuff they have in those restaurants? Or would we go there, and wonder why they think we eat stuff like this all the time?”

    Boyfriend: “…”

    Me: “WHAT?”

    Boyfriend: “No normal person would wonder those things!”

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