• Blue Time Of Death
    (214 thumbs up)
  • August's Theme Of The Month: Best. Relationship. Ever!

    A Weightless Weight Comment

    | Kona, HI, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (For our honeymoon, I’ve convinced my wife to go scuba diving with me. First time divers need to figure out the proper amount of additional lead weights to add to their gear to compensate for buoyancy. My wife has just jumped in and is obviously carrying too much.)

    Me: “Honey, this is probably the only time for the rest of our lives it’ll be safe for me to say this… I think you might be overweight.”

    Wife: “Yep. That was your one time. Next time, I’m drowning you.”

    Bust His Nut Over It Later

    | New Zealand | Dating, Long Distance

    (My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship and he is working security at this time. A couple of bad storms have passed through his area recently. We are chatting over Facebook. He has a habit of not using punctuation.)

    Boyfriend: “Gosh wind is so powerful and nuts set off the building alarm!”

    Me: “Your nuts did what!?”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah, just so powerful the alarm went off!”

    Boyfriend Versus Cat

    | New Zealand | Dating, Long Distance

    (I have just gotten two new kittens, one of which loves attention all the time from everybody. I am talking to my long-distance boyfriend over Facebook on my phone while the kitten attempts to catch my eye.)

    Me: “Arinbjorn is craving attention again.”

    Boyfriend: “Seems you found your baby kitten.”

    Me: “He keeps knocking the phone away.”

    (Just then, Arinbjorn smacks the phone from my hand and steps on it before smooching my arm and running away. He appears to have written and sent a message by accident.)

    Message: “I 66t7u77777 L”

    Me: “Uh… he says hi?”

    Be Quiet Or There Will Be The Devil To Pay

    | Dubuque, IA, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (In sixth and seventh grade there is one boy who will not stop asking me out, even after I literally dump him after a week of dating him. While I appreciate the not-so-romantic gestures, they get annoying very quickly.)

    Boy: “Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see.”

    Me: “Shut up.”

    Boy: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because –”

    Me: “Are you implying that I’m Satan? Because I am.”

    (That shut him up quite nicely.)

    It’s Not Always Moonlight And Roses

    | Lakewood, CO, USA | Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (My husband was raised in a family that doesn’t celebrate holidays and grew up never receiving or giving gifts. As a result, he often has a hard time selecting appropriate gifts for me. It’s about a week before Valentine’s Day.)

    Husband: *handing me a single rose* “Happy Valentine’s Day, babe. I thought I’d surprise you by giving you your gift early.”

    Me: “That’s so sweet! Thank you.”

    Husband: “I know it’s just a single rose…”

    Me: “Oh, but a single rose is so romantic. This is perfect.”

    Husband: “…but I sure as hell wasn’t going to spend $50 on a whole dozen! Besides, the cat will just end up eating them and puking them up on the carpet, anyway.”

    Me: “…know when to stop talking, honey.”

    Page 181/889First...179180181182183...Last
    « Previous Page
    Next Page »