(My fiancé and I both work in my mom’s restaurant. It’s my day off, but I stop by to see her. I kiss her goodbye when an older couple—around their 70′s—come up to the register to pay.)

Older woman: “Oh, how long have you two been together?”

Fiancé: “Almost three years. We just got engaged.”

Older woman: “Oh, how lovely.”

Older man: *to me* “Can I give you some advice, son?”

Me: “Absolutely.”

(He leans in to me, and claps me on the shoulder.)

Older man: “Run. Run now, and never look back.”

(He got a smack in the head from his wife, and I got a smack in the head from my fiancé for laughing.)

(My husband and I have decided to start a family in the fall. We’re both excited and a little scared. He’s been pretty vocal about how nervous he is.)

Me: “I can’t believe it’s almost July! Then my birthday. Then babies!”

Husband: “Yup.”

Me: “Are you scared?”

Husband: “Yeah.”

Me: “Me too, but excited-scared. Are you excited, scared or ‘fake-your-own-death-to-get-out-of-it’ scared?

(Note: he’s just gotten an awesome new computer to play ‘Diablo III’.)

Husband: “Excited, scared. Plus, if I faked my own death, I’d have to leave my computer behind!”

(I’m at a party with a couple of friends, when we see a mutual friend of the host. Her boyfriend is being really openly cruel and rude to her. We see them arrive separately, so I approach to offer to help when it is clear she wanted to leave.)

Me: “Can I offer to walk you to your car?”

Friend: “Sure, thank you.”

Boyfriend: “You can’t leave until I say you can leave! You didn’t ask my permission!”

Friend: “Oh, why don’t you go bench press something, and leave the rest of us alone?” *to me* “Shall we?”

Me: “Certainly.”

(At that point, he reaches out and punches her hard in the back. I hear everyone fall silent, and I moved to actually hit him myself, but she puts a hand on my chest and shakes her head.)

Friend: “Won’t you excuse me?”

(She turns around and slugs him right in the face, so hard that he falls back into the pool.)

Friend: *to me, grinning* “Now we can leave.”

My Other Friend: *quietly to me, as I’m following her out* “If you don’t ask that woman out, I’m going to, because that was amazing.”

(That was four years ago. We’re getting married.)

(We are watching ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’.)

Me: “What would you do if you woke up to me being thrown around the room and being stabbed to death by Freddy?”

Boyfriend: “Youtube it.”

(My fiancé and I have just had a small argument about whose music to play while in the car.)

Me: “Well, you know what we’ve learnt from this?”

Fiancé: “I’m a better person than you?”

Me: “Exactly. You can just sit over there and bask in the glow of knowing you’re the better person while I play my music.”

Fiancé: “I’ve been basking in this for years.”

Me: “You’ll get sun burn soon from all that basking.”

Fiancé: “Screw sun burn. After this long, I’m getting freaking skin cancer!”