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  • What’s Hind Is Yours

    | DE, USA | Marriage & Partners

    Me: “Ow.”

    Husband: “What’s wrong?”

    Me: “I think I hurt my butt.”

    Husband: “Don’t hurt my butt!”

    Me: “What? I said I hurt my butt.”

    Husband: “No, it’s my butt. I play with it more often than you do so it’s mine.”

    That’s Not What The ‘P’ Stands For

    | Dover, DE, USA | Dating

    (My girlfriend and I are sitting on the couch. She puts both hands on my penis.)

    Girlfriend: “You’re soft… LIVE!”

    (She starts pressing down, pretending to do CPR.)

    Me: “… really?”

    Girlfriend: “The sad part is, it’s working.”

    Time To Leave The Pod

    | Canada | Dating, LGBTQ

    (My boyfriend and I are both adult men living with his mother. We are watching a scene in ‘Blackfish’ where men are rounding up orcas and stealing the babies.)

    Me: “Can you imagine someone coming around and taking all your kids away?”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah. I’m First Nations. That happened to us. I’m an orca!”

    (Later on in the movie.)

    Movie: “After an orca is born it never leaves its mother’s side.”

    Me: “Baby, you are an orca!”

    Completely New Train Of Thought

    | USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is playing GTA IV, and has been involved for some time in an exciting high-speed police chase. I’m sitting with my head in his lap, watching the game and commenting.)

    Me: “Uh oh, that one almost caught you!”

    Boyfriend: *very tense and distracted* “I know, I know. I’m trying!”

    Me: “Ooh, are those train tracks? Does that mean there are trains?”

    Boyfriend: “Probably.”

    Me: “Can we steal one?”

    Boyfriend: “I don’t know. Maybe.”

    Me: “Let’s go steal a train!”

    (The police are closing in.)

    Boyfriend: “I’m a little busy right now, baby…”

    Me: *sniffling dramatically* “If you really loved me, you’d stop playing with your silly police friends and steal a train for me.”

    Boyfriend: “If I can lose these guys, I’ll steal you a dozen trains, baby. Just give me a minute here.”

    Me: *pointing* “Your car’s a bit smaller than theirs. If you go into bullet time, you can probably just maneuver under that footbridge, and they’d have to go all the way around the office building. There’ll be a short window where you can swap cars and you should be able to shake them.”

    (He pulls off the move and loses the police. Then he pauses the game, stands up, and grabs my hand.)

    Boyfriend: “Forget the train. We’re going upstairs.”

    Me: “Okay!”

    Wants To Have The Cake And Eat It Too

    | The Netherlands | Dating

    (I am Canadian and my boyfriend is Dutch.)

    Boyfriend: “People say I’m weird…”

    Me: “You are!”

    Boyfriend: “Yes, but you eat the cake.”

    Me: “You know the saying is ‘take the cake,’ right?”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah. Well, I take the cake and you eat it!”

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