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    The Scent Of A Woman

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Dating

    (I’m lying in bed with my partner, and she stretches her arm up behind her head.)

    Me: *sniff* “Lower your arm, please.”

    Partner: “I showered this morning!”

    (I sniff her armpit tentatively, then sniff my own.)

    Me: “Never mind.”

    Sandwich Making On The Fly

    | Bray, Ireland | Dating

    (It’s is about 1:30 am. My boyfriend and I are cuddling in bed and a fly is buzzing around. I’m feeling lazy and I’m barely noticing it, until my boyfriend sits up suddenly like he’s heard a noise.)

    Me: “What’s wrong?”

    Boyfriend: “Shhhhh…”

    (Pause.)

    Me: “Erm…”

    Boyfriend: “Shhhhh!”

    (I’m imagining the worst possible scenario when all of a sudden he looks at me, bewildered.)

    Boyfriend: “Was that the fly?”

    Me: “What??

    Boyfriend: “That noise? Did that fly just throw himself onto the lamp and die? That lamp gets pretty hot! Maybe he fried himself!”

    (He bolts upright and goes to investigate.)

    Boyfriend: *relieved* “Ah no, he’s alright. Want a sandwich?”

    Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 11

    | USA | Dating

    (I am texting my boyfriend, trying to be cute.)

    Me: “Just can’t get you off my mind, that’s all. Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

    Boyfriend: “Emergency procedures in a multi-engine airplane.”

    Me: “Well, at least you’re safe…”

    Related:
    Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 10
    Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 9
    Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 8
    Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 7
    Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 6
    Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 5
    Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 4
    Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 3
    Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 2
    Dating Sheldon Cooper

    The Boyfriend Didn’t Come As Advertised

    | USA | Dating, Fights/Breakups, Top

    (I am on a website where you can watch TV shows for free. Sometimes ads with audio will pop up, and you can never tell what they will say. I am watching a perfectly innocent show.)

    Advertisement: “HEY, YOU IN [CITY!] ARE YOU LONELY TONIGHT? ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A F***-BUDDY TO KEEP YOU COMPANY?”

    (A very lewd video of a woman performing a certain sexual act comes up.)

    Advertisement: “JUST CLICK ON THIS LINK TO FIND OUT WHAT [XXX.com] CAN DO FOR YOU!”

    Boyfriend: *coming up behind me* “WHAT THE H***? You were watching porn? Is that it?”

    Me: “No! Just listen to me! It wasn’t porn! It was just an ad!”

    Boyfriend: “Is that the way you swing, then? Well, fine! That’s it! I’ll pack my stuff and be out tonight! I don’t even know why I’m dating you, you ugly fat-a**! You b****! F*** all this! You’re nothing but a f***** lesbian d***! Don’t you ever f****** talk to me again!”

    (He stomps off. I run after him, grab him, and haul him back.)

    Me: “Look at this screen. You’ve been on this site before; you know how these ads pop up. Now, look at what I am watching. It was nothing but a pop-up ad. I wasn’t watching porn, idiot.”

    Boyfriend: *actually looking* “Oh, my gosh! I am so sorry! I didn’t know!”

    Me: “That’s great, but now that I know the kind of person you are, you’re welcome to follow through on your threat. Pack up and get out. Don’t talk to me again.”

    (I now have a new, kinder boyfriend!)

    Going Through A Bad Spell

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Dating, Fights/Breakups

    (My girlfriend and I have an argument before I go out of town. I invite her to come along but she wants some time to herself. On the day before I return home she texts me.)

    Me: “How was your ‘you time’?”

    Girlfriend: “Being away from you was like Harry Hermione slash fiction.”

    Me: “What?”

    Girlfriend: “At first it is fun, but the longer it goes on the more wrong it feels.”


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