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  • They’ve Both Joined The Dark Side
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    You Like It Because It Has A Nice Ring To It

    | Livermore, CA, USA | Dating, Theme Of The Month

    (My boyfriend and I are currently long-distance, so we do much of our day-to-day communicating via text, IM and Facebook. I wake up one morning with a delightful observation in my inbox.)

    Boyfriend: “The subconscious is a powerful thing. It can silently guide our actions and make decisions for us without us ever being aware. I can only imagine what my subconscious is thinking right now, and why, oh why, I just had the sudden thought: ‘What if Beyoncé did a singing PSA about women and vaccinations and called it ‘Shingle Ladies’?'”

    (He’s a keeper!)

    A Mouthful Of Awful Falafel Waffle Is A Real Mouthful

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Dating, Theme Of The Month

    Boyfriend: “I don’t understand how you don’t like Greek food.”

    Me: “I just don’t. I’ve tried it, and I’ll continue to try it. But I’ve never had any Greek food that I’ve liked.”

    Boyfriend: “But I love falafel.”

    Me: “I think it’s awful.”

    Boyfriend: “Awful falafel?”

    Me: “That sounds like the ‘Awful Waffle.’”

    Boyfriend: “Awful waffle falafel?”

    Me: “No, no. Awful falafel waffle, because a falafel waffle would probably be awful.”

    Boyfriend: “Awful falafel waffle?”

    Me: “Awful falafel waffle.”

    This Fight Had A Duel Purpose

    | GA, USA | Flirting/How We Met, Top

    (I’m a regular at a fast food restaurant. The current cashier has only been working for a few weeks, and appears to be the only cashier on duty. While waiting in line to order, the customer in front of me has constantly been yelling at the cashier.)

    Cashier: “Okay, so that’s a #5 meal with extra sauce, a medium drink, and a milkshake.”

    Customer: “NO, NO, NO! I SAID A #7 WITH NO SAUCE! GOD, ARE YOU DEAF YOU STUPID B****?”

    Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir. Let me fix that for you.”

    Customer: “No! You’re too stupid to do anything right. Go get me your manager, unless you think you’re gonna f*** that up too!”

    (The cashier is speechless and begins crying. Having had enough, I decide to intervene.)

    Me: “Hey! Calm down. She’s doing the best she can. There’s no need to call her names.”

    (The customer turns around to look at me. He’s clearly taller than me and stomps towards me.)

    Customer: “Shut the f*** up, kid. Didn’t anyone teach you to respect a grown-up?”

    Me: “I was actually taught to give respect until they show they don’t deserve it. And you, sir, clearly don’t deserve it.”

    Customer: “Didn’t I tell you to shut up?”

    (He begins cracking his knuckles in front of me to intimidate me. I remain un-phased.)

    Me: “Then allow me to say this: apologize to my girlfriend, else one of us will be leaving with broken bones.”

    (I take a step back and position myself into a fighting stance. The customer begins having second thoughts. He quickly turns around, apologizes to the cashier, and runs out.)

    Cashier: “I… I didn’t know that—”

    Me: “I don’t, but it’s still funny tricking people to think that I can fight.”

    Cashier: “No… I mean I didn’t know that I had a boyfriend.”

    (I ended up buying her lunch for what she went through. We’ve been dating ever since!)

    Long Distance, Long Memory

    | IL, USA | Exes/Old Flames, Fights/Breakups

    (I am in a long distance relationship with a girl I had met three years prior, but we have just started dating. It is four months into the relationship, when I get a text from her.)

    Girlfriend: “Baby, I love you, but I’m not being fair to you. We need to talk. Our lack of a physical relationship has made me be unfaithful to you.”

    Me: “So you want to break it off?”

    Girlfriend: “No, I know you’re the one for me.”

    (Five months later…)

    Girlfriend: “I’m sorry, but with my jobs I don’t have time for you anymore.”

    (Three months later, my now ex-girlfriend messages me on Facebook.)

    Ex-Girlfriend: “I’M PREGNANT!”

    (Five years later, the latter four of which I have heard NOTHING from her…)

    Ex-Girlfriend: “So, I made a big mistake. My husband treats me pretty badly and I want to leave him. You were always the one that got away. Want to be a stepdad?”

    A Cookie Monster Of A Diet

    | London, England, UK | Marriage & Partners

    (My wife and I are out shopping with a friend, and have just arrived at our destination. My wife is currently on a restricted diet and cannot eat foods containing milk.)

    Me: “So where next? [Shop] or food?”

    Wife: “I’d say food; [friend] hasn’t had anything to eat today apart from that giant chocolate chip cookie.”

    Me: *in Cookie monster’s voice* “Mmm, cookie…”

    (I start trying to eat my wife’s head.)

    Me: “Om nom nom nom!”

    Wife: “I AM NOT A COOKIE!”

    Me: “You’re small and sweet—”

    Wife: “BUT NOT FULL OF CHOCOLATE!”

    (My wife realises what she has just said, and suddenly looks miserable.)

    Friend & Me: “Aww!”


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