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  • Not In A Rush To Have Another One
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  • Privy To Private Privy Talk

    | England, London, UK | Dating

    (I’m talking to my boyfriend on a group text chat. We share the group with some very close friends. I’m currently texting him in private.)

    Me: “Hey, babe. I’m so bored!”

    Boyfriend: “Well, why don’t you come over?”

    Me: “Still at work. OMG! I need to fart, bad style!”

    Boyfriend: “Autocorrect right?”

    Me: *ignoring his message* “My farts are trying to dig a hole in my bum and escape! They are on the verge of falling out! I need to get out of work quickly!”

    Boyfriend: “[My Name], stop!”

    Me: “… this isn’t private message is it?”

    Boyfriend: “Dig a hole and bury yourself!”

    No Hope To Elope

    | USA | Dating, Marriage & Partners

    (My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time, and I like to tease him about getting married.)

    Me: “Hey, babe, you want to grab a couple friends and elope?”

    Boyfriend: “What’s ‘elope’ mean?”

    (I just stare at him, not really sure if he is joking or not.)

    Me: “Are you serious?”

    Boyfriend: “Ya, I don’t know what it means?”

    Me: *walking away* “Google it.”

    Boyfriend: “I put it in my phone and Google is asking if I meant ‘dumb rope.’”

    So Punny It Hertz, 2.0

    | PA, USA | Dating, Flirting/How We Met

    (My girlfriend and I are both geeks. We had ‘geek sex’ (Bluetooth pairing our phones) long before we were officially dating. We are texting.)

    Girlfriend: “I will try to remember that, but remembering things around you is difficult because I look at you and my mind clears of random information. You are the magnet to my hard drive.”

    Me: “I’m usually the one with a hard drive when you are around.”

    Girlfriend: “Maybe you need to reinsert into my port.”

    Me: “Hopefully my peripheral is compatible. Is your port backwards compatible?”

    Girlfriend: “I thought you weren’t interested in a backwards port.”

    Me: “I’m not, but I needed to continue the computer references.”

    So Punny It Hertz

    Today Is A Good Day To Pie

    | OH, USA | Golden Years, Theme Of The Month

    (It is no secret that my paternal grandparents had a somewhat turbulent marriage. My grandfather died a year before I was born. I am 10 in this story and asking my grandmother how it happened.)

    Grandma: “They’d just released him from the hospital for his diabetes and told him not to eat any sugar. I had these two beautiful blueberry pies I’d made for the church bake sale, and he went and ate both of them! He collapsed and went back to the hospital and died the next day.”

    Me: “That’s horrible!”

    Grandma: “I know! I worked hard on those pies! He knew darn well they were for the bake sale!”

    Me: “But Grandma… he died!”

    Grandma: “I know he did! And I had nothing to sell at the church because of him! He was just being selfish!”

    Letting The Relationship Go Down The Toilet, Part 2

    | Dartmouth, NS, Canada | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I have been married more than 18 years, and are very comfortable with each other. A little TOO comfortable, sometimes. I have bladder issues, and some days I’m running to the bathroom every half hour. On my return from yet another visit to the porcelain throne…)

    Husband: “I’m going to start believing in reincarnation. That way I can come back as a toilet bowl.”

    Me: “Uh, why?”

    Husband: “So I can spend more time with you!”

    Letting The Relationship Go Down The Toilet

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