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    Your Butt Is Smoking

    | Fort Worth, TX, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancée and I are up late, perusing through our phones and I realize I’m missing my e-cig. I start searching for it.)

    Me: “Hmm.” *rummages through my blankets*

    Fiancée: “What are you looking for?”

    Me: *as my hand crosses the border from my side to her side* “My e-cig.” *my hand wanders under her butt*

    Fiancée: *in a slightly higher tone of voice* “It’s. Not. In. There.”

    Me: “I know.” *gooses her butt playfully and kisses her deeply*

    (At this point she squirms and moans a bit and I retreat to my side of the bed.)

    Fiancée: “YOU F****** TEASE!”

    Me: *cackling* “Found it!”

    I Got Food


    Not To Toot His Own Horn

    | Italy | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband found a gift in a packet of chips: a whistle that makes a sound like an air horn. He starts blowing it. It’s VERY loud, it’s late, and I’m tired.)

    Me: *annoyed* “You know where I’m going to shove that thing, do you?”

    Husband: “You know that’s only going to make it louder, don’t you?”

    Supervillains Need Love Too

    | Australia | Dating

    (I’m texting my relatively new boyfriend one day when this comes up.)

    Boyfriend: “Autocorrect changes it’s first choice based on what I’ve previously typed. Can you guess what the first suggestion for the letter ‘B’ is?”

    Me: “Umm… maniacal laughter?”

    Boyfriend: “‘Bwahahahaha‘ is correct! Apparently I’m a supervillain.”

    Me: “Not sure whether to feel proud or worried about this…”

    Don’t Panic But I Think I’m Dumping You

    | Canada | Dating, Fights/Breakups

    (I am susceptible to panic attacks, which the guy I’m seeing at the time of this story knows. One day, a lockdown occurs at school, triggering a terrible panic attack. This conversation happens a few days later.)

    Me: “It was awful. I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared!”

    Boyfriend: “I heard all about it. I had the ringer on my phone on the highest volume so I wouldn’t miss when you inevitably would have bitched at me!”

    Me: “Well, you do know that phones work both ways, right? You could have texted me to see how I was doing.”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah, I suppose, but I was busy.”

    Me: “Too busy to see if your girlfriend was okay after suffering one of the worst panic attacks she’s ever experienced?!”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah.”

    Me: “…”

    (Needless to say, he wasn’t my boyfriend for very much longer!)

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