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  • In The Calzone Zone

    | Southampton, England, UK | Dating

    (I am at my boyfriend’s house working while he naps in bed. As I walk over he wakes up slightly and looks confused at me.)

    Me: “What?”

    Boyfriend: “You changed colour…”

    Me: “Um.” *checks arms* “Nope, still white.”

    Boyfriend: “But you were yellowy-brown.”

    (He smiles as if suddenly realising something.)

    Boyfriend: “Oh, I was imagining you as a calzone.”

    (He then closed his eyes and went back to sleep, remembering nothing of the conversation the next morning.)

    When You Have To Go Away, You Have To Go

    | Sweden | Marriage & Partners

    (We are cuddling, a couple of days before I have to leave the country for a month.)

    Partner: “I don’t want you to go for so long…” *pause* “I guess at least I’ll have work to distract me.”

    Me: *sigh* “Ooh, also, when I’m gone you can poop with the door open all the time!”

    Partner: *lightens up a bit* “Yeah! I promise I’ll think of you every time I do it!”

    As Long As He Doesn’t Become A Scrooge McDuck

    | Lansing, MI, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are coming home from an event, and we’re both hungry. We’re debating picking up a ready-made hot pizza rather than having to make something at home. My husband is driving.)

    Husband: “Yeah, let’s go ahead and get the pizza. It’s only five ducks.”

    Me: “Um… did you mean to say five BUCKS? Because you totally said ducks. Haha!”

    Husband: “I don’t know about you, but I have recently switched to the new duck-based currency.”

    Me: “…”

    Husband: *turns to look at me, deadpan* “… ducks are VERY hard to forge.”

    Me: *dissolves into laughter*

    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 38

    | USA | Dating

    (On the phone with my boyfriend when I asked him about zombie apocalypse and things.)

    Me: “So what would you do if I become a zombie?”

    Boyfriend: “Hmmm, I’ll let you bite me so we can become zombies together.”

    Me: “Aww, cute.”

    Boyfriend: “Wait, I changed my mind. Though you’re a zombie I’ll still take care of you and help you put on make up and play dress up because you’ll love that.”

    Me: “That is why I love you.”

    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 37
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 36
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 35

    Partially Derrièred

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Dating

    (I have just finished writing a cover letter for a position with a video game company, and I’m going through to make sure everything looks okay.)

    Me: “I should probably change the phrase, ‘half-assed’ in my cover letter, but given the company it still feels appropriate.”

    Boyfriend: “Half-heinied.”

    (I glare at him.)

    Boyfriend: “Semi-buttsed.”

    Me: “You’re not helpful.”

    Boyfriend: “I am the epitome of helpful!”

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