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  • Very Soppy Soup
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  • Never Too Old To Have A Crack At It

    | TN, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (An elderly man about 80 years old with a cane walks into the service station I work at and buys two 24 packs of water. I decided it would be nice to help him out to his car with them.)

    Old Man: “You sure are a pretty young lady.”

    Me: “Thank you.”

    Old Man: “How old are you?”

    Me: “24…”

    Old Man: “I sure do like pretty young ladies. The girl I am dating now is 26.”

    Me: *frowns*

    Old Man: “She’s pregnant and she’s a crack w****. I’m going to get it tested when it comes out. I don’t think it’s mine. She actually prefers black guys but is just with me for my money so I am looking for a new woman. You interested?”

    Me: “Not at all, sir. Now you have a nice day and good luck with… all that.”

    (I shove his water in the car and walk back to the store face-palming all the way. When I get back in I tell my coworker what the old man said.)

    Coworker: “I could have told you that would happen. I know him; he’s like that.”

    Me: ” …then why didn’t you?!”

    Refusing To Put This To Bed

    | IL, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are at our separate families’ homes for winter break from college, and I have a habit of messing up his freshly made bed whenever I can.)

    Me: “So when I come over on Saturday, I’m totally gonna mess up your bed!”

    Boyfriend: “Well, what if I mess it up ahead of time, hmm?”

    Me: “Then I will make it, and then mess it up!”

    Boyfriend: *laughs* “Okay, what about if my comforter isn’t there?”

    Me: “Then I will find one, make your bed with it, and then mess it up!”

    Boyfriend: “What if I remove every comforter from this house?”

    Me: “Then I will lie you down on the bed, lie beside you, state that we are comfy so we are the new comforter, and then mess it up by rolling on top of you!”

    Very Soppy Soup

    | USA | Dating, Long Distance

    (I’ve met a guy I really like while traveling for work. After a lovely week together, our work locations both move and we are separated but still keeping in touch. Although it’s clear we’re both rather fond of each other, we’ve carefully avoided using the word “love” due to the distance problem. One night on the phone…)

    Guy: “At lunch today I saw wild rice soup on the menu and I said, ‘I love wild rice soup!’ And then I thought how stupid it is that I can say I love soup, but I can’t say I love you.”

    Me: “Hey, [Guy]?”

    Guy: *keeps talking* “I mean, why is everyone so afraid of those words? Why does it have to be such a big deal? It’s really—”

    Me: “[Guy]!”

    Guy: *finally stops* “What?”

    Me: “I love you.”

    Guy: “Oh, my god. I love you, too!”

    (I will always have a special place in my heart for wild rice soup after this!)

    I Love You Inside And Out

    | Omaha, NE, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My sister-in-law has just finished having her first child by Caesarean section. My brother was present for it.)

    Brother: “I love you on a whole new level, babe.”

    Sister-In-Law: “Oh, that’s so sweet!”

    Brother: “Now I’ve seen your internal organs.”

    Will-ing The Relationship Over

    | Canada | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are playing a videogame together. One of the characters in the level is an old wise black man named Phineas.)

    Me: “Ugh, I hate this level. Phineas bothers me.”

    Boyfriend: “Really? I like him.”

    Me: “Why?”

    Boyfriend: “He reminds me of Morgan Freeman.”

    Me: “True. I don’t really like Morgan Freeman, though.”

    (He is suddenly quiet. I look up at him to see the most betrayed face I’ve ever seen.)

    Boyfriend: “How could you…?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I just don’t! I don’t get why everyone makes a big deal out of him. I’m the same with Will Smith.”

    (His face changes from betrayal to confusion and slight anger. I realize the mistake I’ve made.)

    Me: “Oh, my god, no! Will Ferrell! I meant Will Ferrell! Will Smith is fantastic!”

    Boyfriend: *laughs* “Okay, good! I thought I was about to have to break up with you!”

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