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  • Got You By The Footballs
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    A Pet Hate

    | MO, USA | Engaged, Themed Giveaway

    (My fiancé and I are talking about different kinds of pets. I have just mentioned that I do not want to have a bird.)

    Fiancé: “But I would love to have a trained falcon!”

    Me: “Yeah, okay.”

    Fiancé: “A falcon would be the best pet. Because then it could eat other people’s pets.”

    Me: “…”

    On A Power Trip And Fall

    | Ft. Lauderdale, FL, USA | Dating

    (I’m horribly clumsy and just nearly missed smashing my head into the side of the bathtub and my boyfriend is upset.)

    Me: “You know; if I were a superhero, my power would be clumsiness. I’d trip over my own feet and kill six people.”

    Got You By The Footballs

    | UK | Dating

    (My girlfriend is German, and moved to the UK to study at one of the more prestigious universities. She, my friend, and I are watching the football: a German team versus an English one.)

    Friend: “Come on, pass to [Player]! Pass to— NO!”

    Me: “Godd*** it, [Player]!”

    Girlfriend: *cackles evilly* “Yes, that’s right. Make all the wrong moves. Lose to [German team].”

    Friend: *condescendingly* “Are you even interested in football?”

    (She says nothing, just stares him down. He looks away, embarrassed. Later in the game…)

    Girlfriend: “Yes, pass to [Player]. Pass it now. NOW! Idiot! You missed your opportunity! Wait… Yes, go! GO! Hurry up. Go faster. No, don’t let that motherf***** take it! No! Yes, son, keep going! GO! IT’S AN OPEN GOAL! SHOO— WHAT THE F***?! HOW THE F*** DID YOU MISS THAT?! IT WAS AN OPEN F***ING GOAL!”

    (She starts to shout and swear in German, then gets up, leaves the room and slams the door, still swearing profusely.)

    Me: “Yeah… She’s interested in football.”

    Girlfriend: *from behind the door* “AND YOU CAN SHUT THE F*** UP!”

    (The final score was 1-1.)

    How To Shave Your Relationship, Part 2

    | UK | Marriage & Partners, Themed Giveaway

    (I have recently been growing a beard which just happens to make me resemble a famous actor.)

    Wife: “I really need to remember the name of that actor.”

    Me: “How come?”

    Wife: “So I know who to fantasize about next time we have sex.”

    Me: “You’re so sweet, dear.”

    Related:
    How To Shave Your Relationship

    Never Sausage A Sight Before, Part 2

    | ON, Canada | Dating, Themed Giveaway

    (My boyfriend’s mother likes to keep the house quite cold. However, I get cold very easily. My boyfriend and I are watching TV on the couch.  I am wrapped in a furry brown blanket to keep warm and have it pulled up to my chin.)

    Boyfriend: “You’re so cute. You’re like a sausage that’s been left out of the fridge for months. You’re all furry.”

    Related:
    Never Sausage A Sight Before


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