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  • Be Quiet Or There Will Be The Devil To Pay
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  • A Rash Decision That Results In No Rashes

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA | Fights/Breakups, Top

    (I work in a Thai restaurant, handling the phones for takeout orders. I get a fairly large order, and am reading it back to the customer to ensure accuracy.)

    Me: “…and a mild pad-thai, correct?”

    Customer: “Yes, but could you make sure that the mild pad-thai doesn’t have peanuts on it?”

    Me: “Of course. Did you want me to modify anything else?”

    Customer: “The dumplings don’t have peanuts, right?”

    Me: “No, but the satay comes with peanut sauce. Are you asking because of an allergy?”

    Customer: “My girlfriend’s allergic to peanuts, but I think she’s just making it up.”

    Me: “Um, I can tell them not to put peanuts in your meals, but there are peanut products all over our kitchen. I can’t guarantee that there won’t be any cross contamination.”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’m pretty sure she’s faking it.”

    Me: “With all due respect, I’d suggest that you get your girlfriend dinner from another restaurant. Peanut allergies are very serious, and can result in death.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but I really want Pad Thai. She’ll be fine.”

    (A few minutes later I get another call; this time from the girlfriend.)

    Girlfriend: “Hi, I’m sorry to bother you. My boyfriend just placed an order for delivery, and I wanted to make sure that they know not to put peanuts in my meal.”

    Me: “I remember your order. This is an allergy issue, right?”

    Girlfriend: “Yes. It’s really bad.”

    Me: “As I told your boyfriend, I can tell them not to put peanuts in your meal, but I can’t guarantee that there won’t be cross contamination. Peanut products are a huge part of Thai cuisine. Would you like me to change your order to remove your portion of the meal?”

    Girlfriend: “What an ass-h***. He’d really risk my life just so he could get some Pad Thai?”

    Me: “Well, our Pad Thai is pretty fantastic.”

    Girlfriend: “To die for?”

    Me: “Well, I wouldn’t go that far. I’ll just go ahead and cancel the order.”

    Girlfriend: “No, send the whole thing, I just won’t be here by the time it gets here. I’m breaking up with him.”

    (A few days later, I come into work and there’s an Amex Gift Card with a note from the girlfriend.)

    Girlfriend’s Note: “To the girl that made me realize what an ass-h*** my boyfriend was: go buy yourself a few drinks on me.”

    Sitting Pretty With Repeat Viewings

    | Washington DC, USA | Dating

    (I had a general absence of television when I was growing up. I’m unfamiliar with most movies. My boyfriend has taken it upon himself to introduce me to all the movies he feels everyone should know. We have just finished watching ‘Pretty Woman’, on a day when a chick-flick was exactly what I was in the mood for.)

    Me: “I think that may be a new favorite. Are you going to be able to stand it if I watch that movie a few times a year?”

    Boyfriend: “Sweetie, I already watch that movie a few times a year.”

    Being Competitive At Being Competitive

    | Lynchburg, VA, USA | Fights/Breakups, Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I have just finished a video game session, which I have lost. We are both ultra-competitive, and I am a notoriously sore loser.)

    Husband: “Oh, honey, don’t be so competitive!”

    Me: “You’re just as competitive as I am!”

    Husband: “Yes, but I win more; so I’m happier!”

    Don’t Get Cold Feet With Powerful Magic

    | Salem, OR, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancée and I are laying in bed. I have bad circulation, so my feet get very cold very easily. We are also both huge geeks, and are rather prone to making Dungeons And Dragons jokes. I start trying to burrow my feet into my fiancée’s blankets to warm my feet against his.)

    Fiancée: “What are you doing? No! No! I’m protected by my Blanket Wall +4!”

    (He pulls his blankets in tight around himself.)

    Me: “Ha! I have a natural burrow speed.”

    (I manage to burrow my feet in under his blankets again.)

    Fiancée: “No! Magic Blanket Wall +4! Why aren’t you regenerating?!”

    Me: ”Must have failed the Fort Save needed to regenerate…”

    (I eventually win the battle and get my feet warmed up, but it doesn’t really matter. By this point we are laughing so hard we can’t sleep anyways.)

    The Science Of Celebrity

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Dating

    (My giant face has recently gone up on a billboard for a local credit union. I was stopped on the street and asked for my autograph the day afterwards. I post on social media about it, thinking it is a funny story. Someone I’ve recently begun dating sees the post, and initiates an online chat.)

    Him: “Your famous-autographing-person status actually made me laugh out loud.”

    Me: “I laughed at it myself. You saw my face on a billboard, and you want my signature; are they serious?”

    Him: “I guess some people have very low thresholds for fame.”

    Me: “YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD BE FAMOUS! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH? WILL YOU TOUCH ME?”

    Him: “I think you should touch me. Just to make sure you are—in fact—starlet material.”

    Me: “Do starlets feel differently than non-starlets? When one becomes a starlet, do they obtain a +5 to tactility?”

    Him: “I hadn’t thought about the class bonuses.”

    Me: “Glamour, sure, that’s fairly obvious. But what about the actual skin itself?”

    Him: “There’s only one way to find out. I’m going to have to get a whole lot more familiar with the feel of your skin; then I can do some comparisons.”

    Me: “Ah, but the best comparison would have been to feel me up before I gained these bonuses, and then after.”

    Him: “The data sample being what it is, we will have to modify the experimental procedures to compensate”

    Me: “Oooh, talk nerdy to me. That’s hot!”

    Him: “It’s clear that a one-to-one comparison won’t yield usable results. For the aforementioned reasons, I believe the best strategy is a longitudinal study in which data will be collected from a willing subject over time, and then examined for trends.”

    Me: “There’s a thought… do the bonuses gained degrade over time? Or once a starlet, always a starlet?”

    Him: “We are going to have to find out. A study of this type will require some intensive analysis, as well as repeated, careful recording of experimental data.”

    Me: “SCIENCE!”

    Him: “Yes.”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Him: “Yes! Yes!”

    Me: “YES!!!!!”

    Him: “Don’t stop!”


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