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  • Very Soppy Soup
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  • Can’t Keep His Hands Off Her Assets

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is getting his masters in accounting. We are lying in bed.)

    Boyfriend: “I have a new nickname for your boobs and butt.”

    Me: “Oh really, what might that be?”

    Boyfriend: “Your right boob is ‘owner’s equity’, your left boob is ‘liabilities’. If you add those two up, you get assets… which is your butt.”

    Me: “You are such an accounting nerd!”

    The Future Holds Promise

    | Austin, TX, USA | Engaged, Family/Kids

    (I am with my recently-engaged sister at a jewelry store with her fiancé. They keep getting into a disagreement, as he keeps steering her towards smaller and smaller diamonds.)

    My Sister’s Fiancé: “Look, what’s wrong with these rings?”

    My Sister: “Those are ‘promise’ rings, like what a high school kid would give.”

    My Sister’s Fiancé: “Well, I PROMISE to get you a bigger ring later…”

    Sux At Sax

    | Reno, NV, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are lazing about on the couch, when I grab his foot and try to blow into his big toe.)

    Boyfriend: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “You’re my saxophone! Make saxophone noises!”

    Boyfriend: “Zoom. BLIPPITY BlaBOOM sham PFfft!”

    Me: “No! Not random noises, saxophone noises!

    Boyfriend: “Oh sorry, I’ll try again.”

    (I recommence blowing into his toe.)

    Boyfriend: “HONK! SNARK! ShaZOOK-a! PiBLiBilibba!”

    Me: “I give up. You are the assorted percussion table of saxophones.”

    Boyfriend: “And yet you still blow me.”

    Heart Shaped Triangle

    | USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are chatting online.)

    Me: “<3"

    Boyfriend: “<3 <3"

    Me: “<3 <3 <3"

    Boyfriend: “<3 <3 <3 <3"

    Me: “Look, it’s a love triangle.”

    Animal Un-Attraction

    | East Haddam, CT, USA | Fights/Breakups, Flirting/How We Met, Theme Of The Month

    (I have been texting a guy for a few days. We don’t really know each other, but there is a definite romantic edge. We have previously discussed a mouse problem in his basement, and his means of catching and releasing them. He sends me a picture of two mice with their necks snapped in traps.)

    Me: “OH MY GOD! WHY WOULD YOU SEND ME THAT?!”

    Him: “I thought you asked for it?”

    Me: “WHAT?! NO! WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?!”

    Him: “Because you like that sort of stuff, duh.”

    Me: “NO! ARE YOU KIDDING?! WHAT PART OF ‘FORMER VEGETARIAN’ MADE YOU THINK THAT I ENJOYED ANIMAL DEATH?!

    Him: “The FORMER part, haha”

    Me: “NOPE. NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!”

    Him: “Yes, yup, uh-huh, YES.”

    Me: “DING DONG, YOU ARE WRONG.”

    Him: “Not fair, like I care.”

    (Needless to say, that callous dismissal of my feelings was the end of rapidly diminishing interest.)


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