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    Brace Yourself

    | USA | Flirting/How We Met, Top

    (I own and run the bookshop, and my friend is visiting me. My friend is female, fairly short and very thin. She has to wear a very noticeable hinged brace on her knee due to a childhood sports injury, but she is by no means helpless. I am male, a foot and a half taller than my friend, and in very good physical condition. I am is also well trained in hand-to-hand combat. A customer is in the shop, and approaches my friend, who is trying to find a book on the shelves.)

    Customer: *approaches and shoves her* “Move, b****.”

    Friend: “Hey! What’s your problem, man?”

    Customer: “I needed to check this shelf for the book I needed and you were in the way.”

    Friend: “And you couldn’t just politely ask me to move?”

    Customer: “You don’t have to be nice to whores.”

    Friend: “Excuse me?!”

    Customer: “Well, that’s the only reason a woman would need a brace like that, if you were on your knees all the time. Only w****s are on their knees all the time.”

    Friend: *trying not to lose her temper* “You do realize, don’t you, that there are a multitude of injuries that would establish a need for this sort of brace?”

    Customer: “How dare you talk back to me, you fat b****!” *tries to slap her*

    Me: *sneaking up on him and grabbing his wrist* “Not to be clichéd, but you owe her an apology.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t! Why the h*** would I have to apologize?”

    Me: “First, for shoving her. You had no business putting your hands on her. Second, for calling her a whore. You were being extremely disrespectful, and that’s something I don’t tolerate from my customers. Third, I’d bet your leg alone weighs more than she does. Again, you were being rude.”

    (He takes a swing at me.)

    Me: *puts him in a headlock* “Sir, you have two options. Both of them involve leaving, but whether you leave vertically or horizontally is up to you.”

    Customer: “F*** you! You can’t do s*** to me!”

    (I escort him, still in the headlock, to the front of the store and out the door.)

    Me: “You are not welcome here. Don’t ever come back.”

    (My friend and I started dating not long after that, and I’m asking her to marry me tonight.)

    December Themed Story Giveaway: The Holidays!

    | Not Always Romantic | Announcements, Theme Of The Month
    Want to win A Not Always Romantic t-shirt?
    Enter December’s Themed Story Giveaway: The Holidays!

    Entering is as easy as 1-2-3:

    1. Submit a funny or interesting story about the holiday season or New Year’s.
    2. Enter your email address in the form to qualify.
    3. All posted stories will be entered in a drawing to win a free t-shirt gift certificate, to use in the official Not Always Romantic shop!

    PS: Congratulations to a lucky reader for winning November’s Themed Story Giveaway, which featured stories about Romantic Fights & Arguments. The winning submission: Don’t Leave Her Hanging (462 thumbs up).

    PS #2: winners will be announced the first Wednesday of every month. Next free t-shirt gift certificate: Wednesday, January 2!

    Making A Very Sharp Point

    | TX, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are hanging out at his apartment while he plays ‘Borderlands 2’. He starts telling me about a particularly chauvinistic character in the game, who believes women belong in the kitchen.)

    Me: “Clearly, he’s forgotten what’s in the kitchen.”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah, knives!”

    A Contempt-ory Couple

    | Broussard, LA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I have very recently fallen into patterns that we refer to as making us ‘That Couple’, the disgustingly affectionate kind. We’ve just finished a round of repeating ‘I love you!’ at each other for about two minutes straight.)

    Me: “Oh, us, being ‘That Couple’.”

    Boyfriend: “We’re beyond ‘That Couple’.”

    Me: “We’re one of ‘Those Couples’.”

    Boyfriend: “What’s the difference?”

    Me: “Slightly more contempt.”

    Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 5

    | Australia | Dating

    (I am sitting in the lounge, and my boyfriend is laying in bed still. I hear my boyfriend fart.)

    Me: “Sweetie, did you just fart?”

    Boyfriend: *unabashed* “Yup!”

    Me: “Hah, I love you.”

    Boyfriend: Even when I fart?”

    Me: “Of course! Even if you farted on me.”

    Boyfriend: “Okay, I’ll be right out. There’s a big one coming.”

    Related:
    Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 4
    Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 3
    Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 2
    Can You Smell The Love Tonight


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