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    Dinner For Two


    Re-Lies On His Money

    | France | Dating, Fights/Breakups, Theme Of The Month

    (My girlfriend often phones me and asks me for little sums of money, saying bad things happened to her and she really needs it. She’s been asking for it more and more often lately, and I’m getting tired of her needy behaviour. She phones me…)

    Girlfriend: “Hello, my love! There was a fire at my home! I lost my money and I desperately need some!”

    Me: “There was a fire?”

    Girlfriend: “Yes! Oh, I’m so upset! Please, help me! I love you so much!”

    Me: “Of course, but please wait. I have to go to work!”

    (I’m getting really suspicious, so I phone her home’s caretaker and I ask her about the fire. She tells me there was no fire ever. Later, my girlfriend phones me again.)

    Girlfriend: “Hello! My money, quick, I really need it!”

    Me: “I guess everyone must be very upset at your building!”

    Girlfriend: “Of course! There are catatonic people and children crying; it’s so horrible!”

    Me: “[Name], I phoned your caretaker one hour ago. She told me there was no fire, ever! How do you explain that?”

    (She hangs up. One minute later, she phones me again.)

    Girlfriend: “You didn’t listen to me, you heartless one! I told you I was sleeping at my best friend’s home, and there was a fire at her home!”

    Me: “I know [Name]. I’m going to phone her too.”

    Girlfriend: “No, wait! I never told you but I really have problems. I’ve been a mythomaniac for years. I’m a living wreck. But you’re such a great person, and you can help me! I need you!”

    Me: “Oh, please! You told me so many times that you loved me! Were you sincere about that, at least?”

    (She hangs up. One minute later, she sends me a text message with only one word: ‘Yes.’ Needless to say, I dumped her on the spot. And all the money she stole? She spent it on junk food!)

    Top Trumped

    | CA, USA | Dating

    (I am kissing and cuddling with my girlfriend. I want to get up, but she won’t let me in her sleepy state. She finally caves and rolls to the side, still pinning my arm and side down as we kiss some more.)

    Girlfriend: “I thought you wanted to get up?”

    Me: “I do. You’re still on top of me.”

    Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 6

    | New Orleans, LA, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are in bed, watching TV. I am being playful.)

    Me: “Honey, that shirt looks awful on you. You should take it off.”

    (My husband looks at me sideways and takes off his shirt.)

    Husband: “Babe, those shorts make you look fat.”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Husband: “What? I said what you said!”

    Me: “Not quite, Hun.”

    Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 5
    Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 4
    Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 3
    Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 2
    Better Have A Big Fat Apology

    Love Is A Minecraft Minefield

    | AB, Canada | Dating

    (My boyfriend is playing ‘Minecraft,’ a building game, on his computer. He calls me over to show me the base he is building. It’s of note that we are both geeky, but don’t necessarily geek out over the same stuff.)

    Boyfriend: “…and this is platform one, and this is platform two…”

    Me: “Where are you going to build platform 9 3/4?”

    (I laugh, but he looks at me blankly. I stop.)

    Me: “Please tell me you know what that’s from.”

    Boyfriend: “Umm… nope.”

    (I shake my head.)

    Me:Harry Potter! We can’t be friends anymore.”

    Boyfriend: “Well, d***.”

    Me: “It’s okay; I’ll still sleep with you.”

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