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  • If Music Be The Fruit Of Jealousy
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    If Music Be The Fruit Of Jealousy

    | Squamish, BC, Canada | Flirting/How We Met

    (I’ve meet a guy at a music festival and we really hit it off, spending most of the weekend together. I want to see a particular musician perform, and he and his friend seem enthusiastic, so we all go together. The musician comes out on stage to massive applause and plays one of my all-time favourite songs.)

    Me: “God, isn’t he awesome?!”

    Guy: “He’s all right, I guess.”

    Me: “Not gonna lie. I’m basically in love with that dude. Such a great performer too, all that energy.”

    Guy: “He’s probably coked up out of his mind.”

    Me: “…I’m aware of his substance issues, since half his last album was about them.”

    Guy: “I’m just saying, you know, he’s not THAT amazing.”

    Guy’s Friend: “Man, what’s your damage tonight? You LOVE [Musician], like, almost as much as she does.”

    Me: “Seriously?”

    Guy’s Friend: “Oh yeah, he’s a major fan. ”

    Me: “…Wait, are you actually jealous? Dude, you’ve known me all of two days! Are you for real mad because I have a crush on a rock star?”

    Guy: “I’m not jealous! I’m just saying he has issues.”

    Me: “I think his music is great. I don’t want to marry him or something.”

    Guy: “Would you sleep with him?”

    Me: “I don’t really think that’s even a possibility, but wouldn’t you?”

    Guy’s Friend: “He would.”

    Guy: “…Okay, yes, probably, but that’s not the point!”

    Me: “So the point is you want me to what, invite you along if for some reason I get the chance to have sex with [Musician]?!”

    (That did actually make him laugh and admit he was acting weird. The rest of the concert was fantastic and as far as I know none of us had sex with Musician.)

    Wish You Had Amnesia To Forget That Joke

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Engaged

    Fiancée: “Wow, my knee is really hurting all of a sudden.”

    Me: *playfully* “What did you do to your knee?”

    Fiancée: “I don’t remember doing anything to it.”

    Me: “So you have am-knee-sia?”

    Blue Time Of Death

    | Orem, UT, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband is a computer programmer who often works from home, but still has to go in to the office occasionally to fix hardware problems.)

    Husband: “Okay, I’ll be back in time to clean up for [Friend]’s party tonight. What time was that again?”

    Me: “Six.”

    Husband: “And what time is it now?”

    Me: *I look over at the clock, and can’t resist* “Error 4:04, time not found.”

    Husband: “Did you just?”

    Me: “Sorry, it was too perfect.”

    Husband: “And this is why I love you: your sense of timing!”

    What A Harasshole

    | OK, USA |

    (It is a very busy afternoon. My younger coworker and I are trying to power through long lines as quickly as possible. She begins helping a man and I overhear some of the conversation. It starts with a normal “where are you from?”, and then quickly progresses.)

    Customer: “Let me get your number.”

    Coworker: “No, thank you.”

    Customer: “Oh, come on.”

    Coworker: “No, thank you. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    (The customer proceeds to pester her with questions, asking if she has a boyfriend. When she replies that she has a girlfriend, he gets more persistent.)

    Customer: “I know her. She won’t mind.”

    (I have cleared my customers and fully turn my attention to him.)

    Me: “Sir, I am her girlfriend and I do mind. Please stop asking.”

    Customer: “Nah. How do you know she’s not my sister?”

    Me: “Sir, I honestly hope she’s not because that’s frowned upon here.”

    Customer: “I was just playing. If she’d just give me her number—”

    Me: “Sir, you are harassing my underage employee. I must ask you to leave. If you refuse, I will be forced to call the police.”

    (When he told her that he’d be back to ask again when she’s alone, I stand between them and promise that she won’t be. A week later, he came in again. That coworker wasn’t scheduled, but our main manager was present. I mentioned that it was the same guy and she followed him to his car. His wife was with him and threatened to sue for falsely accusing her husband – at least until we pulled up the cameras and had proof of him doing it.)

    Chew Your Battles Wisely

    | VA, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (I’m NOT a morning person. Normally, my husband goes downstairs and makes me my coffee before coming back up to wake me up in the morning. Also, I normally work out in the mornings, so I usually get up right after he leaves for work.)

    Me: “[Husband], I need you to do something for me tomorrow morning.”

    Husband: *confused look* “What?”

    Me: “I need you to wake me up before you get me coffee.”

    Husband: *shakes head* “Why would I do that?”

    Me: “I promise I won’t chew your head off. I just need to jump in the shower early so I can get shopping done in the morning.”

    (The next morning, my husband stands as far away from me as possible and starts poking me.)

    Me: *motioning* “Come closer.”

    Husband: *shakes head* “No.”

    Me: “No, come here. I won’t hurt you.”

    (He comes closer, and I pull him down and pretend to chew on his head.)

    Husband: “You’re a dork.”


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