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    Til Undeath Do Us Part, Part 39

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (I decide to ask my husband ‘the question.’)

    Me: “Zombie apocalypse. I get bitten-”

    Husband: “Yes, you do. You need eight hours of sleep every night. There’s no way you’re surviving the zombie apocalypse.”

    Me: “But what do you do?”

    Husband: “I hold you and tell you goodbye and that I love you. And then I stab you in the back of the head, and keep stabbing until I’m done being angry, and then I go find some moonshine.”

    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 38
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 37
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 36

    In Need Of A Healthy Hug

    | NC, USA | Dating

    (Talking about how I am sick and in need of some cuddles.)

    Me: “I miss you, too.”

    Boyfriend: “I’m sorry! You need good snuggles.”

    Me: “All the snuggles!”

    Boyfriend: “Maybe I can wear a hazmat suit.”

    Don’t Want Any Of Those Easter Eggs

    | Omaha, NE, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancée walks into the bedroom. I am lying on the bed reading, and just as she turns away from me and loudly opens a drawer, I hear…)

    Fiancée: “When do you want your yeast infection?”

    Me: “YEAST INFECTION? You have a yeast infection?!”

    Fiancée: “WHAT? NO! I said ‘when do you want your Easter basket?’”

    Making Bald Statements

    | Hampshire, England, UK | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband is usually very good at waking up quickly enough to know when he’s just spouted sleepy nonsense. A couple of mornings after a gig, though, I rolled over to hug him, and was greeted with…)

    Husband: *mumbles.*

    Me: “Hmm?”

    Husband: “Didn’t you?”

    Me: “…what?”

    (By this point, my husband would normally realise things don’t add up. However, he keeps repeating ‘didn’t you?’)

    Me: *laughing* “I have no idea what you’re saying!”

    Husband: “You asked when that bald fella was singing next.”

    Me: “…what?!”

    Husband: “Yeah. Where. You kissed him. He was where I am and you kissed him.”

    Me: *still laughing* “Do you know how little sense you’re making right now?”

    Husband: “…no.”

    (I have never before had a conversation with him where he didn’t wake up properly. I think I might have to talk with him about my ‘type,’ though, if he thinks male bald musicians are it…)

    Can’t Defy The Octopi

    | USA | Dating, Exes/Old Flames

    (My ex-girlfriend and I are still really good friends. My current girlfriend and I are going on a double date with her and the guy she’s seeing. My ex loves cephalopods, specifically the octopus, and has a plush one on her keys. My current girlfriend sees it when she’s putting her ID away after we order our drinks.)

    Girlfriend: “What’s that purple thing?”

    Ex: “An octopus.”

    Girlfriend: “Oh.” *pauses* “Why is there an octopus on your keys?”

    Ex: “I think a better question is why ISN’T there an octopus on YOUR keys?”

    (Everybody except my current girlfriend laughs, who just gives my ex a dirty look. As we’re leaving, she sees there is also a small, bright blue glass octopus hanging from the rear view mirror of her car.)

    Girlfriend: *nasty tone* “Geez, what is it with you and those stupid things?”

    Ex: *looking at the key ring, and the one in her car* “I happen to like them. Besides, there’s only a few of them.” *glances at my girlfriend’s car – the dashboard of which is covered in stuffed animals*

    Girlfriend: *shrill tone* “It’s normal for girls to like stuffed animals! Those things are slimy!”

    Ex: “First of all, I’m a woman. Not a girl. As in adult human female. Second, there’s nothing wrong with having several stuffed animals in your car either. I just find it odd that you have a problem with two small cephalopods when the interior of your car looks like one of those claw machines.”

    (She and I ended up getting back together a few months later, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why I ever let her go.)

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