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    Don’t Be Too Dreamy In Your Dream

    | CA, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancée has returned from a backpacking trip, so we both wake up rather late in the morning. It should be noted that I have a rather large, yet allegedly magnificent, posterior.)

    Me: “Had a weird dream, hon.”

    Fiancée: “Oh?”

    Me: “Yeah. I dreamed that I was becoming friends with this other woman, and you said I couldn’t see her anymore because I looked ‘too dreamy’ around her.”

    Fiancée: “Well, as long as you look dreamier around me, it’s okay.”

    Me: “Oh, but it gets better! The woman in my dream said I was beautiful but she couldn’t, and I quote, ‘stand my a**!’”

    (My fiancée, who has started to pour herself coffee, freezes.)

    Fiancée: “Oh. Well, if that’s the case, now she has to die.”

    Playing A Different Game

    | London, England, UK | Dating

    (I am chatting to my friend about a guy I have gone on a couple of dates with. I’ve recently had an experience with a stalker and a less alarming but otherwise terrible date which he knows about.)

    Friend: “So, plans for the weekend?”

    Me: “Well, hanging around on Saturday. And Sunday … uh, well, [Date] asked if I’d visit him out in [Town].”

    Friend: “The one you’re not sure about? You gonna go?”

    Me: “Well, I want to give him a chance. Only, I was re-reading the message and he’s talking about these video games he could show me… and they’re all in his house.”

    Friend: “Sounds like the guy who invited you over for a film and just wanted sex?”

    Me: “Yeah. I’m just reading it, thinking, ‘and how much time are you intending on playing games for?’”

    Friend: “It could be innocent.” *pauses* “Probably not, though. That’s a kinda weird location for a third date.”

    Me: “Yeah. I might say the weather’s so lovely that I want to stay outside. That should work.”

    Friend: “Good idea. ”

    (He starts to laugh.)

    Me: “What?”

    Friend: “I’m sorry. It’s just, your love life consists entirely of guys trying to trick you into compromising positions and you thinking desperately of how to get out of them. It’s like some kind of Jacobean drama!”

    This Relationship’s Fate Is Sealed

    | Ireland | Dating

    (I just moved in with my boyfriend. We have just moved into a new place and since we are not allowed to have pets, we have a seal stuffed animal called ‘Siggy’ that we joke is ‘our pet.’)

    Boyfriend: “So, I brought Siggy here this morning so that she could get used to the new place.”

    Me: *pretending to be listening to the stuffed animal* “Well, she said she kept asking you where you were going and you didn’t tell her… She thought you were abandoning her!”

    Boyfriend: *with an angry tone* “Stop making up stories like that up. You are not five  anymore!”

    (I was hurt by his reaction, until I turned around and realized he was speaking to the seal as well!)

    Daisy’s Gone Crazy

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Dating

    (I’m at work, trying to entertain my boyfriend over Facebook chat while he is on a long road-trip.)

    Me: *typing out altered lyrics to the song Daisy Bell* “Baby, baby, tell me your answer do. I’m half crazy, all for the love of you. It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage…”

    Boyfriend: “Heh, cute.”

    Me: “But you’d look sweet, upon the seat of a bicycle made from the decaying flesh of mortals, as we ride our way through the underworld into the heart of Hell itself.”

    (I pause for effect.)

    Me: “…and then we BLOW IT UP!”

    Boyfriend: “Aww!”

    Looking For A Different Kind Of French Connection

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are in our late 20s, so we remember some events like September 11. It is the 4th of July.)

    Husband: “Wanna go get some freedom fries!?”

    Me: “Oh, god. That was so dumb.”

    Husband: “Yeah, couldn’t call them French fries for a while!”

    Me: “All because France wouldn’t help us out initially with Iraq and stuff.”

    Husband: “Yeah, it was silly.”

    Me: “WAIT! If it isn’t French kissing, do we have FREEDOM kissing? Wanna go freedom kissing?”

    Husband: “‘MURICA!” *kisses me*


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