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    The Ugly Face Of Marriage

    | Finland | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I have just gone to bed. We’re fooling around and being generally silly.)

    Husband: “Roll over.”

    Me: *rolls over*

    Husband: “Ha, now you’re a spoon!”

    Me: “Aw… you just don’t want to see my ugly face.”

    Husband: “No, I—” *bursts out laughing*

    Me: “What?”

    Husband: *whilst giggling* “I always want to see your ugly face!”

    Acting Gingerly On The Zombie Apocalypse

    | Germany | Dating

    (This happens after dinner, my boyfriend having been the cook. I absolutely hate spicy food and it is important to mention that i have long hair which i dye red and have been doing so for the past ten years, at least.)

    Boyfriend: “Normally I’d have added some chili, but I didn’t want you to die on that, so I left it out. Because you being dead would be very bad.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s nice of you. But you never know, I might have returned as a zombie!”

    Boyfriend: “Ummm…”

    (I decide to pop the question.)

    Me: “Well, if I returned as a zombie, would you kill me?”

    Boyfriend: “Hmm. Probably I would, yeah. This way it wouldn’t be a random stranger killing you. But maybe they’d find a cure, so I could have you back in normal…”

    Me: “Yeah, you could keep me in a box somewhere, feed me some brains every now and then, and wait for a cure!”

    Boyfriend: “That’s just slightly creepy… But, well, I think your salvation would be more important to me!”

    Me: “One thing about that. I’m a redhead. I don’t have a soul.”

    Boyfriend: “But you dye it; it’s not even real! So you do have one.”

    Me: “Yeah, but I’ve been doing so for the past ten years. I’m pretty sure my soul has already fled my body.”

    Boyfriend: “No, I’m sure that deep inside you still have a hidden soul. So I’d still kill you!”

    Bringing Sexy Back


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    Can’t Host That Request

    | Newport, RI, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (I work as a host at a popular restaurant. It’s my job to welcome and seat everyone that comes in and manage reservations, as evident by the massive reservation book on the host stand just inside the door. A man enters the restaurant alone one night. Usually when people come alone it means they’re headed to the bar.)

    Me: “Hello!”

    Man: “Hi there.”

    (He leans against the host stand.)

    Me: “How’re you doing tonight?”

    Man: “Not too bad, and yourself?”

    Me: “Pretty good, thanks.”

    (He continues to lean, smiling at me.)

    Me: “So, table for one, or are you on your way to the bar?”

    Man: “Table for one sounds pretty pathetic, doesn’t it? Wanna join me?”

    Me: “Thanks for the invite, but I’m on the clock for a few more hours.”

    (He stares at me blankly.)

    Me: “I’m working.”

    Man: “What do you do?”

    Me: “I’m the host.”

    (He stares, confused.)

    Me: “I welcome people and find them a place to sit.”

    Man: “What, here?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Man: “At this restaurant?”

    Me: “You got it.”

    Man: “OH!”

    Me: “So, table for one?”

    Magic Potion

    | VA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend gets dry skin and needs to use lotion rather often.)

    Boyfriend: *holding out lotion bottle* “How do you open this thing?!”

    Me: *does a little twist and it immediately pops open, handing it back to him*

    Boyfriend: *stares in shock at it, then at the bottle, then back at me with a dumbfounded and bewildered look* “HOW DID YOU DO THIS?!”

    Me: *laughing hysterically* “MAGIC! I’m a f****** WIZARD!”

    Boyfriend: *suddenly serious* “No, you are going to teach me this magic right now!”

    (I took him into the bathroom and showed him how they work.)

    Boyfriend: “I’m a f****** idiot…”

    Me: “You’re my smart, wonderful, engineer, who also happens to be a f****** idiot sometimes.”


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