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  • Breakfast Rolls

    | Lufkin, TX, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are in bed, me on the computer, him asleep.)

    Husband: *reaches over and squeezes one of my breasts*

    Me: “Honey, what are you doing?”

    Husband: “Checking the firmness of the bread.”

    Me: *laughing hard and moving his hand* “Go back to sleep.”

    Husband: “When I’m done shopping.”

    Crafting Dirty Thoughts

    | Broken Arrow, OK, USA | Dating

    (I am at my house and my boyfriend is at his. I finally convince him to play Minecraft with me.)

    Boyfriend: “You know, I will play with you on one condition.” *I think he is going to suggest something lewd, but he decides against it* “A SHRUBBERY!”

    Me: “”Ha ha. Okay, I’ll do that.”

    (About an hour later after I set up a house for us, I go into where his bed is and put a tree sapling in a pot.)

    Me:“Hey, come here. I got you what you wanted!”

    Boyfriend: *after seeing his shrub* “D***, if I knew you were actually going to do whatever I said I would have said my first thought!”

    Focus On The Road A-Head

    | USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are sitting at a red light.)

    Boyfriend: “I need to speak rather frankly with you… What’s your opinion on road head?”

    Me: “No.”

    Boyfriend: “All right, that’ll just be tucked away as a fantasy, then.”

    Me: “I’d be afraid of an accident. I mean as long as the car is stationary…”

    (Boyfriend looks me dead in the eyes and without skipping a beat shifts the gear to park)

    My Favorite Stamping Grounds

    | Ashland, OH, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are cuddling in bed, ready to fall asleep.)

    Boyfriend: *quietly* “Breast mail.”

    Me: “Huh?!”

    Boyfriend: “What? I said ‘sleep well’…”

    Me: *laughing* “Wow… I totally thought you said ‘breast mail’!”

    Boyfriend: “Well, I wouldn’t mind that, either!”

    (Both of us start laughing.)

    Boyfriend: “And don’t even be a smart-a** and mail me a chicken breast in a box, or something.”

    Me: “Oh… I actually was thinking more along the lines of putting a postage stamp on each of my nipples.”

    Boyfriend: *pauses* “I like your idea better! Let’s go with that.”

    (We both went to sleep shortly after, still laughing about ‘breast mail.’)

    The Age Of Ex-perience

    | LA, USA | Exes/Old Flames

    (It is the day before my 30th birthday, and I am chatting with my ex online. It should be noted, my ex is older than me, and we have since reconciled our friendship after breaking up.)

    Me: “I turn old tomorrow!”

    Ex: “Serves you right.”

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