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    Blinded By Your Love

    | Schenectady, NY, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (I’m in the car with my mom and her wife. We’re listening to a song which has the line ‘you’re the sun in my eyes’ in it.)

    Me: “I wouldn’t want someone to be the sun in my eyes. Now, that would just be annoying!”

    Mom’s Wife: *to my mom* “You’re just the sun in my life.”

    Me: “Aw, she gives you cancer.”

    Mom’s Wife: “Ozone-less sun.”

    Me: “Well, then, she’d just give you immediate cancer!”

    Mom’s Wife: “You know what I mean!”

    A Plague Of Panties

    | Nashville, TN, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I are only recently engaged and I’m very excitedly contemplating the possibilities for the various wedding details by looking through a bridal magazine.)

    Me: “I think I’d like peonies or lotus for my bouquet.”

    Fiancé: *staring at me in horror* “You want panties and locusts in your bouquet?!”

    (I immediately collapsed in laughter and could not recover for about 10 minutes.)

    Reading The Situation Wrong

    | Seattle, WA, USA | LGBTQ, Marriage & Partners

    (I am female. My wife can get sort of loopy when she is tired. Many nights, she falls asleep while holding a book, and gets upset when I try to take it away or wake her up. This night, however, she isn’t reading, she just falls asleep early.)

    Me: “Hey, sweetie. Wake up. We need to brush our teeth and stuff.”

    Wife: *as she wakes up* “READING! I’m still reading!”

    Me: “Um… no you weren’t.”

    Wife: “WHERE’S MY BOOK?”

    (She starts patting the bed and frantically searching, so I hand her a book from the shelf.)

    Me: “Um, here, but we need to brush our teeth.”

    Wife: *accusingly* “I. Am. READING!”

    Lets Hope She Has Great Heeling Power

    | Newark, DE, USA | Dating

    (I’m very clumsy, and earlier in the day I’d tripped on a shoe while barefoot in my apartment. One of my toes is swollen and discolored, and since I’d never broken anything before I wasn’t sure if it was broken or I’d just tore something in it somehow. I text my boyfriend, who has gone through emergency first aid programs at his work.)

    Me: “Your clumsy girlfriend did a thing.”

    (Not even five minutes later he calls me. When I answer, he doesn’t even say hi.)

    Boyfriend: “What did you do?”

    Me: “I tripped on a shoe and I don’t know if I broke my toe or not.”

    (My boyfriend runs me through a little check list over the phone and assures me that the toe is just sprained. Before he hangs up, he sighs.)

    Boyfriend: “We can’t even trust you barefoot. How are you going to wear heels for our anniversary without killing yourself somehow?”

    Me: “Magic and a prayer.”

    The Winning Half Of The Argument

    | London, England, UK | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I have a habit of addressing each other in rather unconventional ways. I’m in my study when he walks in.)

    Me: *deadpan* “Hello spouse, partner, or significant other.”

    Husband: “I think you’ll find the term is ‘better half.’”

    Me: “Only when it’s you talking.”

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