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    Music To My Lips

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Dating

    (A couple are kissing during a ‘Jazzfest’ concert in the park. The guy is clearly not paying attention.)

    Girlfriend: *to her boyfriend* “Stop looking at Steve Martin while you’re kissing me!”

    Mentally Undressing

    | USA | Dating

    (I am at my friend’s house playing games with my friend, her boyfriend, her younger sister, and my boyfriend. In the middle of the game my friend’s sister pipes up.)

    Friend’s Sister: “Hey [Friend’s Boyfriend], were you wearing that same shirt earlier?”

    Friend’s Boyfriend: “Yes.”

    Friend’s Sister: “Oh. Well, in my mind you weren’t.”

    Friend’s Boyfriend: “What was I doing in your mind?”

    Friend’s Sister: “Well, you weren’t wearing that shirt!”

    (Everyone burst out laughing a second later when they realize exactly how that sounded!)

    Don’t Lose Sleep Over The Trash

    | IN, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (On Monday, my husband started working night shift for the very first time in his life. It’s now Friday and he’s had maybe 20 hours of sleep the whole week, so he’s miserable. At about 1 am I hear him getting out of bed.)

    Me: “Honey, you need to sleep.”

    Husband: “Gotta get the trash.”

    (Our trash pickup is on Wednesday. I figure he’s sleepwalking and follow him to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself.)

    Husband: “Get the trash. Gotta get it…”

    (He ties up the bag and is about to tear a new one off the roll when he pauses, looking confused.)

    Husband: “This isn’t a bag…”

    (He starts hyperventilating.)

    Me: “Hey, calm down. It’s a bag.”

    Husband: “No, no, it hasn’t been made one yet. Why…?”

    (He starts sobbing and sits down heavily. I go over and rub his arm.)

    Me: “You poor thing. You’re just so tired. Come on back to bed. You need to sleep.”

    Husband: “Boy, do I!”

    (He immediately fell dead asleep, the full trash bag acting as a pillow. I tried jostling him, but it was no use. Since he outweighs me by forty pounds and our bedroom is on the second floor, I just left him there. Fortunately, it was the weekend and neither of us had to work; he slept for almost fifteen hours and remembered none of this when he woke up. He’s since adjusted his internal clock and is much happier, and loves his job!)

    Fighting Words

    | Kansas City, KS, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I are competitive people and love challenging each other to new games. He suggested ‘words with friends’ recently. English is his second language. I’m an English major.)

    Fiancé: “What the f***! 50 points?!”

    Me: “You forfeited?”

    Fiancé: “All I had were ‘A’s.”

    Me: “Aw, that was a close game. New one?”

    Fiancé: “Yeah.”

    (We play.)

    Fiancé: “Over 100 points in two turns? What?!”

    Me: “I had a blank tile.”

    Fiancé: “Start over.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (I play a complex word.)

    Fiancé: “What does that even MEAN?”

    Me: “It’s a parasitic creature.”

    Fiancé: “I’m done.”

    Me: “With words with friends, or…?”

    Fiancé: “Words.”

    Me: “In general?”

    (True to his word, he didn’t speak to me the rest of the day.)

    Elementary, My Dear Girlfriend

    | PA, USA | Dating

    (I am very observant, and know my girlfriend very well. We’re driving in the car and have a very short exchange.)

    Girlfriend: “Hey, can we…” *trails off*

    Me: “What is it?”

    Girlfriend: “No… no. It’s nothing.”

    (I make some quick deductions, and then pull into the convenience store we were about to pass.)

    Girlfriend: “Wait… Why are we stopping here?”

    Me: “You’re hungry. I’m going to go grab you a [her favorite candy bar].”

    Girlfriend: “HOW did you know that’s what I wanted!?”

    Me: “I’ve told you before: I can read your mind. You want anything else while I’m in there?”

    Girlfriend: “I thought you just said you could read my mind?”

    Me: “Ah, good point.”

    (I came back out with the candy bar, AND her favorite soda. Which, yes, was what she was thinking about when she got sarcastic with me. She never doubted my ability to deduce her thoughts after that.)

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