• If Music Be The Fruit Of Jealousy
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    Chew Your Battles Wisely

    | VA, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (I’m NOT a morning person. Normally, my husband goes downstairs and makes me my coffee before coming back up to wake me up in the morning. Also, I normally work out in the mornings, so I usually get up right after he leaves for work.)

    Me: “[Husband], I need you to do something for me tomorrow morning.”

    Husband: *confused look* “What?”

    Me: “I need you to wake me up before you get me coffee.”

    Husband: *shakes head* “Why would I do that?”

    Me: “I promise I won’t chew your head off. I just need to jump in the shower early so I can get shopping done in the morning.”

    (The next morning, my husband stands as far away from me as possible and starts poking me.)

    Me: *motioning* “Come closer.”

    Husband: *shakes head* “No.”

    Me: “No, come here. I won’t hurt you.”

    (He comes closer, and I pull him down and pretend to chew on his head.)

    Husband: “You’re a dork.”

    Write Yourself A Better Pickup Line

    | NY, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (My friend and I, both female, are having an after-work drink at a local dive bar. Everything is relatively pleasant until…)

    Random Man: “Are you ladies talking about how much you’d like to find a boyfriend?”

    Friend: “Um. No.”

    Me: *shakes head*

    Random Man: “Oh. Well… you let me know.” *walks out of the bar*

    (My friend and I continue our conversation, but then I notice that the man has come back and is eyeing us.)

    Random Man: “I’m leaving now! Sure you girls don’t want a boyfriend?”

    Friend: “I think we’re good.”

    Random Man: *as he leaves* “I’m a writer!”

    Bribery In The Biblical Sense

    | Boston, MA, USA | Marriage & Partners

    Husband: *in a sexy voice* “I was thinking of having an orgasm after lunch. Would you like to be involved?”

    Me: “Are you more likely to clean the living room if I am?”

    Husband: *normal voice* “Huh. I hadn’t thought about bribery.” *suspicious* “Wait, are you bribing me, or am I bribing you?”

    Don’t Be Weird About The Beard

    | Moss Point, MS, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (I have Asperger’s and thus tend to be a bit weird about things. My husband has just gotten a new job that allows him to grow facial hair and we are discussing what styles I would be okay with him having.)

    Husband: “Wait, so a long beard with mustache is okay, but a long mustache or a long goatee is not okay?”

    Me: “Yes. Long mustaches without a beard are creepy and long goatees are just gross.”

    Husband: “I am not equipped to deal with your neurosis.”

    Me: “Hey! You had ample warning! My mom even sat you down and talked about it!”

    Husband: “Well, they warned you about me and you didn’t listen.”

    Me: “Yeah, but they were wrong about you so that doesn’t count.”

    A Capital Idea

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Dating

    (I’m looking online at clothes when I see a few things I want so I text my boyfriend about it and not having enough money for them.)

    Me: “[Boyfriend]!! I want so buy so many things!”

    Boyfriend: “Get more money?”

    Me: “All right. Selling drugs or hooking?”

    Boyfriend: “I was thinking more along the lines of another part time job or a marketable hobby. But hey, you do you.”

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