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    Foreign Hairball


    A New Level Of Technical ‘Support’

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Dating

    (I’m in a long-distance relationship. This exchange occurs over Skype a little while after my girlfriend was briefly off-camera and I had heard a strange noise:)

    Girlfriend: “By the way, that noise earlier was me scratching my boobs.”

    Me: “Oh, wow, it was really loud. You must have been right on the mic.”

    Girlfriend: “Huh?”

    Me: “I know what scratching sounds like, and it’s not usually that loud.”

    Girlfriend: “I think the program just amplifies whatever sound is happening when we aren’t talking.”

    Me: “Ah, okay. Well, maybe in the future I can help you with that.”

    (She bursts out laughing, then after a moment of realization, I do, too.)

    Girlfriend: “I’m not even sure what you meant by that!”

    Me: “Me neither! I was just trying to say something supportive…” *she laughs again* “…but it ended up sounding a different kind of supportive.” *we both laugh more* “Seriously, it’s a miracle that you haven’t broken up with me by now.”

    Your Hellboy Is Just Heavenly

    | CA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are playing co-op video game.)

    Boyfriend: “Hey, best superhero?”

    Me: *not really listening to the question* “I don’t know, why?”

    Boyfriend: “Just… best superhero?”

    Me: “Like, Marvel/DC superpowers hero, or—”

    Boyfriend: “Your favorite! Just go with your first response!”

    Me: “Hellboy.”

    Boyfriend: “Check it out!”

    (I turn to see his character appearance is now red clothing, swarthy skin, and rugged appearance, as close to Hellboy as possible given the constraints of the game.)

    Me: *melts*

    That Joke Fell Flat As A Pancake

    | Birmingham, AL, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (It’s night time. My husband and I are trying to figure out where we want to go for breakfast the next morning.)

    Me: “I really want pancakes, I think.”

    Husband: “Where do you want pancakes from?”

    Me: “Well, [Restaurant #1] is closer and they have chocolate chip pancakes, but [Restaurant #2] is better.”

    Husband: “A pancake’s a pancake, isn’t it?”

    Me: “No, [Restaurant #1] doesn’t always cook theirs all the way through. Sometimes they’re doughy in the middle.”

    Husband: “Sometimes YOU’RE doughy in the middle.”

    Me: *glares*

    Husband: “Oh, s***. I didn’t think that one through.”

    A Bad Time For Small Potatoes

    | Buffalo, NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are cuddling in bed, talking about romantic places to make love.)

    Me: “Wouldn’t it be romantic to make love in a garden?”

    Boyfriend: “You mean with, like, potatoes and stuff?”

    Me: “No! Not a vegetable garden! The kind with flowers!”

    Boyfriend: “Oh… yeah, I guess that makes more sense.”

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