(My fiancé and I are cuddling and horsing around on the couch in a completely non-intimate manner. It suddenly sounds like wood is splitting.)

Me: “I think we broke the couch.”

Fiancé: “It’s because we’re so full of hormonal energy… and cake.” *he pauses* “One of those is a lie.”

Me: “Probably the hormonal energy.”

Fiancé: “Yeah, especially since I had cake batter ice cream.”

Me: “And I had cake this morning.”

Fiancé: “That is so us.”

Related:
The Cake Is A Lie, Part 2
The Cake Is A Lie

Want to win an official Not Always Romantic t-shirt? Enter our new, monthly Themed Story Giveaway!

Entering is as easy as 1-2-3:

1. Submit a story based on the theme-of-the-month (assigned by Not Always Romantic’s editors).
2. Enter your email address in the form to qualify.
3. All posted stories will be entered in a drawing to win a free t-shirt!

May’s Theme-of-the-Month: Proposals! Got a funny or unusual proposal story? Submit a story today to enter for a chance to win a Not Always Romantic t-shirt! Note: please be sure to include your email address in the submission form, so we can contact you if you’ve won.

(We’re cuddling in bed. My boyfriend is French and I’m Swedish. Unfortunately, both of us managed to get really sick. At this point both of us have almost recovered from whatever it was we’ve got.)

Boyfriend: “I just thought of something really sexy.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You don’t want to know.”

Me: “Tell me!”

Boyfriend: “Me taking a dump…and it won’t be loose!”

(I glare at him.)

Boyfriend: “Told you that you didn’t want to know!”

Me: “Now you have to compensate me for that picture.”

Boyfriend: “No, I don’t.”

Me: “Yes, you do.”

Boyfriend: “You asked for it! I don’t owe you anything!”

Me: “Yes, you do! Say something pretty about me in French.”

Boyfriend: *with passion* “Merde!”

(My fiancé is an emergency room RN who’s been working a lot lately. He works at night so he’s asleep during the day. I realize that one of the breakers for the house tripped during a storm, and I wake him up to ask him a question about it.)

Me: “Hey babe, is the mini-fridge on the breaker? It tripped again, I don’t want it to defrost.”

Fiancé: *asleep* “The doctor will be with you in a moment!”

(I hate sleeping by myself, and my husband knows this. Whenever I ‘threaten’ to make him sleep on the couch, we both know that I don’t mean it. We have two friends over and there is one brownie left.)

Me: “May I have the last brownie?”

Friend: “Sure. Go for it.”

Husband: “But I want the last brownie.”

Me: “You take it and I’ll make you sleep on the couch.”

Husband: “You take it and I’ll sleep on the couch.”

(I hand it over immediately. He laughs and splits it in half.)

Friend: “…what just happened?”

(I’m on a first date with a guy and he takes me to a festival in Japan-town. We’re watching the parade, kinda smushed together in the crowd. He leans down to whisper what I think will be something romantic in my ear.)

Him: “You know, according to their armor color, those samurai should be fighting to the death.”

(Seven years later, we’re married with two kids. I still maintain the samurai comment is when I fell in love with him.)

I Hear(t) You. This week, we share five stories that show that attentive hearing is at the hear(t) of a good relationship!

1. Gassing, Not Guessing:
   For girls, good listening is very “element”-ary!
2. Death Becomes Her:
   A guy learns there’s no “end” to his fiancée’s hearing skills.
3. You Can Only Choose One Calling:
   Call of Duty, meet your nemesis: Call of the Girlfriend!
4. A Concrete Excuse:
   For some married couples, pretending to listen is as good as it gets.
5. Wishful Hearing, Part 2:
   Proof that half-hearing will get you into a whole lot of trouble!

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

(We are showering together in the morning because we woke up late and need to hurry. Nothing romantic about this shower.)

Me: “Honey, switch spots with me. I need to use my conditioner.”

Husband: “Hold on.”

(He blows nose into his hand.)

Me: “Eww. You know when you do that some escapes? I’m always cleaning those off the shower curtain and walls.”

Husband: “Really?”

Me: “Really.”

(He wipes his booger-filled hand on my chest. I am speechless)

Husband: “Haha! You married a boy! That’s what boys do! Haha!”