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  • Making A Date With Disaster
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    Godless And Sexless

    | Stoke-on-Trent, England, UK | Dating

    (My girlfriend and I are relaxing after a rather passionate period. We begin to talk about our friend’s sex lives. A certain couple in particular springs to mind.)

    Girlfriend: “But what about [Friend's Girlfriend]? Have they had sex yet?”

    Me: “Not to my knowledge.”

    Girlfriend: “Really?”

    (There is a long pause before she speaks again.)

    Girlfriend: “Do you think she’s… you know?”

    Me: “What?”

    Girlfriend: “That word where you don’t like sex… atheist?”

    (I promptly lost it at that point, and so did she. She was looking for the word ‘asexual.’)

    Love Is Fleeting Unless You’re Competing

    | Muncie, IN, USA | Dating, Young Love

    (My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple of months. We’re both in college. I’m at my parents’ house in Indiana and he’s at his parents’ house in Alabama for Christmas break. After accidentally saying ‘I love you’ to him for giving me a back massage only three weeks in, I told him he’d have to be the one to say ‘I love you,’ next. He’s been telling me that he’s not going to say it for a really long time.)

    Boyfriend: *via Skype, with the sound cutting out* “—c***. I’ll have you know, I say ‘love you lots’ to my parents when I get off Skype with them, so I guess we’re one for one now.”

    Me: “What?! The sound cut out, so I didn’t even get to hear it!”

    Boyfriend: “What? What are you talking about? Babe, you’re imagining things. That never happened.”

    (The next day, over the phone. I’d just been crying.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. I’m being so silly right now.”

    Boyfriend: “Babe, you’re fine. Your silliness is why I love you—I mean like you! S***!”

    Me: *smiling* “I’m sorry? What was that?”

    Boyfriend: “Well, I guess we’re two for one now.”

    Me: “Can I count that one?”

    Boyfriend: “…yes.”

    Me: “Love you, too, dear.”

    Making A Date With Disaster

    | CO, USA | Engaged, Fights/Breakups

    (My fiancée and I are putting up our new 2014 calendar. He has a marker and is doodling little icons in the corner of important dates, so that he can remember them.)

    Fiancée: “Babe, when is our anniversary again? February?”

    Me: “March 4th!”

    (I watch as he draws a little smiley face on that day. When he gets to my birthday in May, he draws a little birthday cake with my initials on it. Finally, in July, he gets to our wedding date. He draws a skull and crossbones.)

    Me: “What the… You a**! This is going on the internet!”

    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 31

    | Bristol, England, UK | Dating, Fights/Breakups

    (I decide to ask the boyfriend the ‘kill or be killed’ question.)

    Me: “If there were a zombie apocalypse, and I got bitten, would you—”

    Boyfriend: *zero hesitation* “I would kill you. I would kill you good.”

    Me: *hurt at his enthusiasm* “Oh.”

    Boyfriend: “Just to stop you moaning and shuffling around the house. You do that too much anyway…”

    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 30
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 29
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 28
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 27
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 26
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 25

    A Couple Of Points Are Lost On Him

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are a pretty strange couple. For instance we made up a pig/cow hybrid that says ‘moink moink’ and we also have our own ‘language’ just using random phrases. On this particular day, two of his band-mates have come over for a horror movie. Band-mate #1 is single, whereas Band-mate #2 has a girlfriend. My boyfriend goes to make popcorn.)

    Me: “Moink moink?”

    Boyfriend: “Moo.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Band-Mate#1: “What?”

    Boyfriend: “She wants extra butter.”

    (Band-Mate #1 looks baffled as Band-Mate #2 is laughing.)

    Band-Mate #2: “You really need a girlfriend. You’ve lost your touch with the almost dead language of couples!”

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