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    Spray To Get Your Way

    | OH, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months. He has an awful memory and we both know it, and joke about it. We’re lying in bed when this conversation takes place:)

    Boyfriend: *quotes, verbatim, a vulgar saying I found on the Internet a month ago*

    Me: “Oh, sure, you can remember that, but it’s been 18 months and you can’t remember my phone number?”

    Boyfriend: “I never dial your number!”

    Me: “I know yours!”

    Boyfriend: *grabs his phone, reads my number from the screen, then attempts to say it again without looking and fails*

    (I have a silly idea, so I reach beside the bed and grab the spray bottle we keep there for squirting our cats.)

    Me: “So, what’s my phone number?” *points spray bottle at his face*

    Boyfriend: *gets area code right but messes up the last 7 digits*

    Me: *sprays him*

    Boyfriend: “You’re sadistic!”

    Me: “I love you, too. Phone number?” *points again*

    Boyfriend: *very hesitantly gives correct phone number*

    Me: *kisses him* “If I’d known that was all it would take I’d have done that months ago!”

    (It’s been a week. He still remembers!)

    Sweet Sixty-een

    | Westminster, CO, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (I am a 16-year-old girl. I work at a breakfast diner as a hostess. I am sweeping the floors when I noticed an elderly gentleman sitting in a booth, looking at me and twitching the whole left side of his face. We get a lot of elderly customers with health problems and I figure he is one of these customers and decide to be polite and not stare at him. After about 20 minutes, the man comes up to pay his bill.)

    Me: “How was everything today, sir?”

    Customer: “Why don’t you like me?”

    Me: “…Pardon me, sir?”

    Customer: “I’ve been winking at you the whole time I have been here and you have been ignoring me!”

    Me: *feeling uncomfortable* “Oh, I am sorry, sir. I was focused on cleaning the floors so that I could go home. Was this going to be it for you today? Would you like to purchase a slice of one of our award winning pies?”

    Customer: “Are you married?”

    Me: “…Sir, I’m sixteen.”

    Customer: “I got married at your age. It was awful. I should have been swinging with all the ladies and having a good time! I am making up for it now though!”

    (The customer pays his bill and winks at me again.)

    Customer: “See you later, dolly!”

    (The customer leaves.)

    Me: *shudders* “No. Nope. That didn’t happen. Ew.”

    Strip Down To The Main Points

    | UT, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are watching a sci-fi type show, when the main characters walk into a strip club.)

    Me: “Maybe I’ll start stripping instead of going back to school. I’ve got big enough boobs for it.”

    Husband: “You’ll have to work out way more. Those girls are freaking ripped.”

    Me: “Yeah, good point. I don’t want to fall off the pole and crack my own skull open.”

    (A few minutes later…)

    Me: “I like how you didn’t object to me considering being a stripper. Thanks for being supportive!”

    Husband: “I was wondering how long until you were going to catch that.”

    Bad First Date


    015-Carbon-Dating-Bad-Date

    Brother Bother

    | USA | Marriage & Partners

    (As always happens when my wife has a cold, she has fallen asleep propped up in bed with the TV on. I slip into change and start to take off my pants.)

    Wife: “Hello, HELLO!”

    Me: “Yeah, hi.”

    Wife: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

    Me: “Just changing for bed.”

    Wife: “IN HERE?!”

    Me: “Ye-ah?”

    (I grabbed my sleep pants and went to the guest room. In the morning she said…)

    Wife: “Sorry, I was still asleep and I thought you were my brother. I couldn’t understand why he was changing his pants in front of me in my bedroom.”


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