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    The Bar Was Set Before The Marriage

    | Denver, CO, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (It’s my bachelorette party and my bridesmaids and I are enjoying a nice meal at an Irish tavern downtown. My soon-to-be husband and his groomsmen are off doing their thing. We’ve had no communication all day. As we’re sitting there, one of my bridesmaids’ husband strolls in. Said bridesmaid gets up to talk to him.)

    Me: “What is he doing here?”

    Bridesmaid: *laughing* “He says the guys are outside.”

    Me: *laughing as well* “Really?”

    Bridesmaid’s Husband: “Should I tell them to go somewhere else?”

    Me: *half joking* “We were here first…”

    Bridesmaid’s Husband: “Okay, then.”

    (He left and the guys went to a different bar in town. At our wedding reception, my brother-in-law, who was the best man, told this story. Just goes to show how much my husband and I have in common!)

    You Lost Him At ‘Naked’ And ‘Rack’

    | USA | Marriage & Partners

    (The oven timer goes off and I go to check the pizza that my husband has put in the oven. I notice that he put the pizza on a cookie sheet and walk back into the living room.)

    Me: “[Husband], the pizza isn’t supposed to go on the cookie sheet.”

    Husband: “No one told me this!”

    Me: *motioning dramatically as if he has committed a grave crime* “[Husband], the pizza is supposed to lie naked in the warm embrace of the rack in the oven!”

    Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 15

    | USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are shopping in a grocery store. I’m pregnant and not feeling great. My husband has a tendency of claiming anything he does is out of sympathy for my pregnancy. We’re in an aisle that we will be leaving soon, I think. I bend over to grab something off the shelf and fart by accident, but it’s silent. I get self-conscious.)

    Me: “Hey, are we done in this aisle?”

    Husband: “We need to leave RIGHT NOW.”

    Me: “OKAY.”

    (We scoot on out of there and he whispers to me.)

    Husband: “I farted in that aisle. It was pretty bad.”

    Me: *touched* “I did, too. It was also pretty bad.”

    Husband: “This is how I know we are meant to be together.”

    Me: “Psh, I’m pregnant; what’s your excuse?”

    Husband: “Uh… sympathy fart?”

    Related:
    Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 14
    Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 13
    Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 12

    Never Too Old To Have A Crack At It

    | TN, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (An elderly man about 80 years old with a cane walks into the service station I work at and buys two 24 packs of water. I decided it would be nice to help him out to his car with them.)

    Old Man: “You sure are a pretty young lady.”

    Me: “Thank you.”

    Old Man: “How old are you?”

    Me: “24…”

    Old Man: “I sure do like pretty young ladies. The girl I am dating now is 26.”

    Me: *frowns*

    Old Man: “She’s pregnant and she’s a crack w****. I’m going to get it tested when it comes out. I don’t think it’s mine. She actually prefers black guys but is just with me for my money so I am looking for a new woman. You interested?”

    Me: “Not at all, sir. Now you have a nice day and good luck with… all that.”

    (I shove his water in the car and walk back to the store face-palming all the way. When I get back in I tell my coworker what the old man said.)

    Coworker: “I could have told you that would happen. I know him; he’s like that.”

    Me: ” …then why didn’t you?!”

    Refusing To Put This To Bed

    | IL, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are at our separate families’ homes for winter break from college, and I have a habit of messing up his freshly made bed whenever I can.)

    Me: “So when I come over on Saturday, I’m totally gonna mess up your bed!”

    Boyfriend: “Well, what if I mess it up ahead of time, hmm?”

    Me: “Then I will make it, and then mess it up!”

    Boyfriend: *laughs* “Okay, what about if my comforter isn’t there?”

    Me: “Then I will find one, make your bed with it, and then mess it up!”

    Boyfriend: “What if I remove every comforter from this house?”

    Me: “Then I will lie you down on the bed, lie beside you, state that we are comfy so we are the new comforter, and then mess it up by rolling on top of you!”


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