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    Best Sweep This Stupidity Under The Carpet

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Marriage & Partners

    (There’s some stains on our carpet. I decide it needs washing so borrow a carpet cleaner from my mother. All she could find was the small hand held shampooing attachment. I am crawling around the carpet on my hands and knees to use it.)

    Husband: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Washing the carpet.”

    (He stands at the door watching me do it. I finally finish and leave the carpet to dry.)

    Husband: *who hates getting any part of his clothes wet* “Oh, oh, my socks are wet. My socks are wet.”

    Me: “What did you do?”

    Husband: “I took my shoes off and walked into the bedroom; how did my socks get wet?”.

    Me: “I washed the carpet.”

    Husband: “How was I to know the carpet was wet?”

    Me: “You WATCHED me.”

    Husband: “You didn’t tell me it would be wet.”

    Me: “You saw what I was doing.”

    Husband: “How was I to know?”

    Best To Let Sleeping Partners Lie

    | ME, USA | Dating

    (I am currently unemployed. My boyfriend goes to work early and I sleep until 5 pm and go to bed at around 4 am. I hate this schedule and tell him before he goes to sleep to make sure I get up before he leaves for work and that I had to be awake before he left. The next morning:)

    Boyfriend: “Hey, sweetie… time to wake up.”

    (No response.)

    Boyfriend: “Hey, little spoon, time to get out of bed.”

    (Still no response so he tries pulling the covers off. I yank them back violently.)

    Boyfriend: “Oh, you’re awake! C’mon, time to get up! C’mon, sweetie. C’mon, [My Name].”

    Me:  *shakes head no*

    Boyfriend: *frustrated* “Last night you told me I needed to wake you up and that it was very important I do, so, c’mon! Get up!”

    Me: *suddenly yelling* “WELL, I LIED!”

    (He laughed and went to work. Regrettably I woke up at 5 pm.)

    They’ve Both Joined The Dark Side

    | Australia | Dating

    (I go out shopping with a man I’ve only been dating a couple of weeks, and he drags me into the toy section of a large store. Note that we’re both in our mid-twenties. I’m playing with a toy light-saber when this happens.)

    Him: “You think that’s cool? You should see MY light-saber!”

    Me: *turns to stare at him*

    Him: *realisation hits* “That wasn’t a line! I actually have a light-saber at home! How lame is that…”

    Me: “Even lamer is that I didn’t think for one second that you WEREN’T talking about an actual toy light-saber.”

    A Fiery End To The Relationship

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Marriage & Partners

    (We’re watching a TV drama where the characters are in a funeral home making decisions.)

    Me: “I want a Viking funeral!”

    Partner: “I know dear. I’ll set you on fire and push you down a river.”

    Me: “You’ll wait till I’m dead first, right?”

    (My partner pauses for several seconds.)

    Partner: “That’s not very traditional.”

    Wrong Story Ark

    | Limerick, Ireland | Dating, Theme Of The Month

    (We’re watching an ad before the movie starts. There are animals trying to get on an ark, and an old white man checking them off on a list as they board.)

    Boyfriend: “Why does St Peter have a Northern accent?”

    Me: “What do you mean, St Peter?”

    Boyfriend: “You know, letting the animals into heaven. Why’s he from Northern Ireland?”

    Me: “Babe, that’s Noah. See the big boat?”

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