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    Instantly Deboned

    | Chapel Hill, NC, USA | Dating

    (We’re sitting on the couch. I’m quite tired and my boyfriend notices.)

    Boyfriend: “Want me to bone you to put some new life in you?”

    (He has obviously not considered the other meaning to this.)

    Me: “Don’t you ever ever ever ever ever say that again. You are forbidden to put new life in me!”

    Boyfriend: “Oh, s***, I didn’t even think about that!”

    Bit Off More Than They Could Chew

    | Champaign, IL, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend’s apartment is what used to be the basement of an old house that was divided up. As such, there are usually a lot of spiders. I’m pretty arachnophobic, but he has a more ‘live and let live’ attitude. I’m currently sporting 5 rather nasty bites.)

    Boyfriend: “Holy crap, what happened to your arm?!”

    Me: “It’s the stupid spiders!”

    Boyfriend: “Oh, you probably just slept on one and it bit you a bunch of times.”

    Me: “I don’t think so. Two happened yesterday morning, two last night, and one just now.”

    Boyfriend: “Aw, man!”

    Me: “What?”

    Boyfriend: “Well, now I have to squish them! I thought we had a deal – they don’t bite, I don’t squish. They violated my trust!”

    (He was genuinely pretty upset about this betrayal.)

    Don’t Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are in my car, driving to work and listening to the radio. A song I really like comes on, and I start rocking out.)

    Me: “This song could have been written about me.”

    Boyfriend: *looks at me in disbelief* “This song is about a guy who is so sad about breaking up with his girlfriend that he goes to a bar and gets so raging drunk that he can’t stop laughing!”

    Me: “Exactly!”

    Mew Mew Pew Pew

    | AR, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (I’m on the phone with my wife:)

    Wife: “Your cat… YOUR CAT has the stinkiest farts!”

    Me: “I don’t have any cats. They’re your cats.”

    (We play this game all the time, whenever the cats are naughty.)

    Wife: “As stinky as her farts are, I’m pretty sure this has to be your cat.”

    Me: “…well played.”

    The Dignified Response

    | Fort Carson, CO, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (We’re at home, and I’m finishing packing my gear as I am deploying to Afghanistan the next day.)

    Me: “I can’t find my head lamp.”

    Wife: “I can’t find my dignity.”

    Me: “Oh? Where would that be?”

    Wife: “Back at home, before I married you.”

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