• Brunch With Evil Stepmother
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    Think Before You Speaker

    | NJ, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (The cordless phones we have at home don’t like it when you’re on speaker and so is the other party; somehow it completely cuts out one end when the other end is making noise. My husband likes to use the speaker so he doesn’t have to hold it right to his ear, but obviously this plays hell when I try to call him on the cell from the car.)

    Husband: “I can’t hear you at all. Your phone is all messed up!”

    Me: “The phone isn’t messed up. TAKE IT OFF SPEAKER, again!”

    Husband: “There’s nothing wrong on my end!”

    Me: “You’re ON! SPEAKER! Which always messes up! If it hears the fan or TV or anything else in the background it cuts me out, so take it off speaker!”

    Husband: “Fine!” *he does so* “I don’t see why it always has to be me, though.”

    Me: “Because I’m driving, it’s illegal to do so with a phone up to your ear, and you didn’t want to spend the extra $30 on a Bluetooth when we got this phone, until Christmas rolls around.”

    Husband: “…Don’t you go bringing logic into this!”

    Explosive New Name

    | USA | Advice, Engaged

    (My friend walks into work crying. She is the only woman in the office and the other guys run away.)

    Friend: “My fiancé, that meanie! He says I have to take his name. I don’t wanna! My initials are TTT. That’s T cubed, Triple T. I have monogrammed towels!”

    Me: “Well, the solution is simple; you hyphenate and he buys you new towels.”

    Friend: *squealing* “Oh, my god, it’s TNT! I gotta make a call!”

    (She comes back 10 minutes later singing “I’m TNT; I’m dynamite!”

    Coworker: “You created a monster…”

    (She sang the song at their wedding reception.)

    Staring Into The Face Of My Pain

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My wife and I have an odd sense of humor. After a long day at the waterpark her face is beet red. We’re getting into bed and she is complaining about the pain.)

    Wife: “My face hurts.”

    Me: “It’s hurting me, too.”

    Wife: *glares at me for a moment then reaches behind her and turns off the light* “Is that better?”

    Me: “Much.”

    (We burst out laughing and kissed goodnight.)

    Almost Had It Licked

    | WA, USA | Dating

    (I am making breakfast with my girlfriend. Both of us are having bouts of silliness.)

    Me: “Can I kiss you?”

    Girlfriend: *turns around and kisses me* “I guess you can!” *goes back to flipping pancakes*

    Me: “Can I kiss you again?”

    Girlfriend: *turns around to give me a kiss, and at the last moment, I lick around her mouth*

    Me: “I guess not!”

    Encouragement Needs More Training

    | PA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I regularly go to the gym; I’m on the elliptical while he finishes his run on the treadmill.)

    Boyfriend: “Three more minutes to go!”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Boyfriend: “Encourage me!”

    Me: “…Don’t be a wuss!”

    (I am clearly the best girlfriend ever.)

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