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    Escalating Problems

    | New Zealand | Dating

    (When I was little, I had an irrational fear of being sucked into the escalator if I didn’t promptly get off when I reached the top or bottom. That fear has stayed with me even after 20 years. When my boyfriend found out about this, he started deliberately pausing at the end of the escalator, causing me to panic and crash into him. He does this one day for the umpteenth time.)

    Me: “You have to stop doing that! You know how much I hate being blocked on the escalator.” *sulks*

    Boyfriend: “Aww, don’t be mad. Do you know why I block you at the end?”

    Me: “Because you’re evil.”

    Boyfriend: “Because you run out of room to move and have no choice but to hug me. And I like it when you hug me.”

    Fifty Shades Of Doctor Who

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I are watching one of the season finales of Doctor Who. In this episode, the Doctor’s love interest has finally been reunited with him after having been stuck in a parallel world for two seasons. The last time they spoke, he tried to tell her he loved her but they were separated before he could. Now she has returned and is torn between the Doctor and a newly made ‘clone’ of the Doctor, who is equivalent in every way except that he’s human rather than a nearly immortal alien, so he can spend the rest of his human life with her if she chooses. To help her decide, she decides to ask both the ‘original’ doctor and the ‘clone’ doctor a question:)

    Female Love Interest: “All right, both of you, answer me this. When I last stood on this beach — on the worst day of my life — what was the last thing you said to me? Go on, say it.”

    The Original Doctor: “I said, ‘[Female Love Interest]…'”

    Female Love Interest: “Yeah, and? How was that sentence gonna end?”

    The Original Doctor: “Does it need saying?”

    Female Love Interest: *turns to the clone* “And you, Doctor? What was the end of that sentence?”

    (The clone Doctor whispers in her ear.)

    My fiancé: *imitating the Doctor as he’s whispering* “Why, yes, my sonic screwdriver DOES have a vibrator setting.”

    (Female Love Interest proceeded to fling her arms around the clone Doctor and kiss him passionately while I doubled over laughing.)

    Wine-y To Groan-y

    | NY, USA | Exes/Old Flames

    (My ex-boyfriend and I are having lunch at a bar. We are both beer snobs, and I’ve ordered a beer that was aged in white wine barrels. We don’t hang out very often, so it’s been about two months since I saw him.)

    Me: “How’s your beer?”

    Ex: “Solid. How’s yours?”

    Me: “Hmm. It’s very wine-y.”

    Ex: “Like you!” *laughs at his own joke*

    Me: “Oh, how I’ve missed you…”

    A Flash Of Inspiration

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Engaged

    (I’m on the other side of the country from my fiancé, while he’s packing up our apartment to move to the city I’m currently in. He has help, but it’s a hot July day and he’s boiling and frazzled and hungry and tired. At this point, we’re Skyping as he’s going through the last minutiae in the apartment to see what I want and what can be thrown away or left behind. The help he has is both sets of parents (his and mine). My parents are taking some of our boxes to their house for temporary safekeeping because we unfortunately reserved too small of a truck.)

    Fiancé: “What about this? Do you want this?” *points the camera at a very warm blanket*

    Me: “Well, yeah, but not right away.”

    Fiancé: “Okay, that’s going with your mom.”

    (This goes on for a few minutes, with him getting more and more frazzled as my mom and his dad ask him more questions.)

    Me: “Honey? Honey? Honey?” *repeating myself until he hears me*

    Fiancé: “Huh?”

    Me: “Can you go into the bedroom?”

    Fiancé: *confused* “What for?”

    Me: “Just do it. And shut the door.”

    Fiancé: *still confused, but goes into the bedroom and shuts the door*

    Me: *lifts my shirt and flashes him*

    Fiancé: *gets a big goofy grin on his face*

    Me: “Feel better?”

    Fiancé: *grinning* “A bit.”

    Me: *fixes shirt* “Good.”

    (We finished up sorting through what was left and then we got off Skype so they could clean the apartment and leave.)

    You Give Me Positive Charge

    | MD, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is notoriously bad at chemistry, but since I’m a biology student, he hears chemistry terms thrown around a lot. I happen to click on a classmate’s Facebook page.)

    Me: “What is she wearing? Is that mini-skirt tutu?”

    Boyfriend: “What?”

    Me: “She has a molecule drawn on her chest! It’s a benzene ring… why?”

    Boyfriend: “Well, it’s not polar, so I guess she’s not attractive.”

    Me: *after at least a minute of laughing* “I love you.”


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