(My girlfriend and I are in bed asleep. I’m apparently snoring.)

Girlfriend: “Stop snoring!”

Me: “I’m not snoring; I’m just letting you know that I’m still alive.”

Related:
Between The Snores And The Flaws, Part 2
Between The Snores And The Flaws

(We’ve just bought a new TV. My boyfriend is taking the remote control out of the packaging. He pauses to laugh, and shows me the sticker it has, saying ‘PASSED’.)

Boyfriend: “You passed! Oh, well done, remote! We are so proud!”

Me: “We will throw you a party to celebrate! Well done, you!”

(My boyfriend opens the back of the remote, to see that is takes AAA batteries, not AA.)

Boyfriend: “Aw! Remote! You take the small batteries!”

Me: “You b******!”

Boyfriend: “We hate you, remote!”

Me: “Pass or not; you’re still a failure in our eyes!”

Boyfriend: “You have brought shame upon this house!”

Me: “…we’re going to be terrible parents.”

Boyfriend: “Only if our children take AAA batteries.”

(My mother has just started a new job, and has decided that it calls for a clothing shopping spree. She comes home and shows us a pile of formal jackets she bought.)

Mum: “So, there’s this one…”

Dad: “Very white.”

Mum: “And this one…”

Dad: “Very beige.”

Mum: “And there’s this one…”

Dad: “Very pink.”

Mum: “And there’s this one…”

Dad: “Very blue.”

Mum: “And this one!”

Dad: “Very black.”

(He’s solved one of the greatest traps for men in relationships!)

(I am a regular in my favorite store for comics, books and board-games. The owner is a big fan of one of the big labels, while I prefer the other. We’re talking about new comics, when a young woman enters the store. She starts talking to the owner.)

Young Woman: “Hey, I would like to start with [my preferred label] comics; could you help me?”

Owner: “Sure, no problem.”

(The owner turns to me.)

Owner: “Hey, you know [label] comics better. Would you help?”

(The three of us begin to talk about the comics. An overdressed girl enters, and overhears me talking about my favorite series.)

Overdressed Girl: “Are you f****** stupid? Those stories are s***, and they’re for little children. Read [other label of comics which is written mainly for children]; they are for cool people.”

Owner: “Stop talking like this, or I’ll kick you out.”

Young Woman: “I… I don’t know what I should read.”

Overdressed Girl: “A girl? Girls don’t read comics. Not even if they are as fat and ugly as you are.”

(The girl is not fat; she seems to be fighting her tears.)

Owner: “Shut up and leave. NOW!”

Overdressed Girl: “I’m the hottest person in here! You can’t make me leave! I’m the hottest in here, and all boys want me!”

(I turn to the young woman who is by now almost crying.)

Me: “Hey, you know she’s wrong. You’re much prettier then her! Uhm… do you… want to go out sometime?”

(The overdressed girl storms out. The young woman looks at me like I’m crazy. The owner is laughing hard.)

Owner: “Nice one!”

Young Woman: “T… thanks.”

Me: “Yeah… so, what about that date?”

(We started dating soon after, and are now engaged!)

Related:
A Comic Book Romance

(My husband and I can’t decide whether to try for a second child this month, and we end up agreeing to use ‘rock, paper, scissors’ as the deciding factor. We’re both on the fence about it.)

Husband: “Okay. If I win, it’s a no. If you win, we’ll go for it.”

Me: “Sounds good to me! We’ll go one, two, three, then shoot.”

(The game ensues.)

Husband: “Rock!”

Me: “Spock! Spock vaporizes rock! I win!”

Husband: “Live long and procreate?”