(I am chatting with my husband, who is currently deployed. We are both of the Pastafarian faith.)

Me: “The Jehovah’s Witness people stopped by before seven this morning. I couldn’t escape, because I was already on the porch closing windows. They asked me if I had found God. I said “Yes, the Pirate Fish showed me the way to the Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory”. They promptly turned around and left. Ramen!”

Husband: “I… I love you.”

(I am a clumsy person. I’ve burned myself while cooking four times in the last week, and have a bag of ice on the newest burn.)

Husband: “You have got to quit burning yourself!”

Me: “It’s not like I do it on purpose! Besides, I do it in phases.”

Husband: “Yeah, phases of once a day!”

Me: “No! I’ve burned myself four times in the last week, and it’s the only times I’ve burned myself all year!”

(I can’t eat seafood, and my boyfriend of two months knows this. It is a few days before my birthday.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, I’ve booked a restaurant for lunch on your birthday.”

Me: “That’s nice of you, but I just wanted to have a quiet day at home. And I wish you wouldn’t call me babe.”

Boyfriend: “But I want to go out for lunch.”

Me: “Alright, where are we going?”

Boyfriend: “[Cheap seafood restaurant].”

Me: “But that’s a seafood restaurant. I can’t eat seafood.”

Boyfriend: “I wanted seafood.”

(On the day of my birthday, I have to drive to his place, and then he drives to the restaurant. We arrive, and I open the menu.)

Me: “Well, at least they have vegetarian options as well. I don’t think I could just eat plain chicken and salad.”

Boyfriend: “Specials are in the back.”

Me: “Can I read the whole menu?”

Boyfriend: “I’d rather you didn’t. Can you just order a special?”

(I give in, and order the chicken and salad $10 special. He gets the same thing. During the meal he tells me he has picked out our kids’ names. I never mentioned wanting kids. The check comes; he looked at it, turns it to me.)

Boyfriend: “That’s $28.”

Me: “I am not paying that. Besides, I don’t have any cash.”

Boyfriend: “They accept card.”

Me: “They don’t split bills.”

Boyfriend: “So, do I need to pay for it?”

Me: “Yes!”

(I broke up with him a couple of days later.)

(My boyfriend and I are texting each other about his newest niece. He has just sent me a picture of her.)

Boyfriend: “New baby!”

Me: “Aww! So cute!”

Boyfriend: “Yup.”

Me: “We must practice making babies, so that our first born will be even more adorable.”

Boyfriend: “I can do that.”

Me: “Our children will be so cute; people will tremble in fear.”

Boyfriend: “Okay?”

Me: “FEAR THE CUTE!”

Boyfriend: “So cute, that people are scared?”

Me: “So cute, that no one can resist them. When they ask for control of the world, we end up being the parents of the evil overlords.”

Boyfriend: “Well, that sounds like it has some perks.”

Me: “Yup, evil cuteness! And we’d have the power to control the leaders of the world. So, practice later?”

Boyfriend: “I’m in.”

Boyfriend: *whispering* “Sweet nothings.”

Me: “You’re funny!”

Boyfriend: *grins*

Me: “I wonder, though, what are actual sweet nothings? And why are they called that?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, you know. They’re sweet, and mean nothing!”

Related:
Saccharine Voids