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  • Not In A Rush To Have Another One
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  • That Nice Homey Smell

    | Sweden | Dating

    (I work for a project where I don’t have set hours, meaning the time when I come home varies. My boyfriend is home on vacation.)

    Me: *walking through the front door* “I’m home!”

    Boyfriend: *from the bathroom* “Don’t walk further! And close my door without looking!”

    Me: “What? What are you…” *realisation* “Are you pooping with the door open?”

    Boyfriend: “Yes… But you usually inform me when you’re coming home!”

    Me: *closes bathroom door, laughing* “I never quite understood the desire to poop with the door open, to be honest…”

    Dumping Out The Drawer

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is getting ready to drive me home from his apartment. I decide to go through “my drawer” there and take clothes home to wash them, so I put them all in a bag. We are both very sarcastic and dry when we joke with each other.)

    Me: “Hey, I just cleaned out most of my drawer, so this would be a good time to dump me if you were thinking about it.”

    Boyfriend: “Cool, thanks!”

    Lose The Wife For Twice The Price

    | Plymouth, England, UK | Marriage & Partners

    (On a previous night, I’d taken a voice recording on my phone of my wife snoring. Tonight, I play it back while she’s reading in bed. She gives me a look. )

    Wife: “Maybe I should record you so you can hear yourself?”

    Me: “You know, I actually played this back to you immediately after recording to see if you’d get woken up by your own snoring, but you synced with the recording and I got it in stereo.”

    Wife: “So it was like there were two of me?”

    Me: “Two of you? Hmm… extra boobs…”

    Wife: “No, I’d get jealous of you being with my other self!”

    Me: “Wouldn’t your other self think the same thing about you?”

    Wife: “She’d come in handy though. I could go to work one day and she could go in the next.”

    Me: “That’s great and all, but which one of you am I banging?”

    Wife: *gives me another look*

    Me: “Ah… neither.”

    Periodically Good In The Long Run

    | NY, USA | Dating

    Me: “So, I’m getting my period this week. Ugh.”

    Boyfriend: “That’s good.”

    Me: *indignant* “Why is that good? It sucks!”

    Boyfriend: “Just think about it for a minute…”

    Me: *light bulb goes off* “Ohhh. Yeah, it is good!”

    Very Body-Unconscious

    | Naperville, IL, USA | Dating

    (I’m Skyping with my boyfriend. I have just become very emotional and I am wiping my tears with the hem of my shirt.)

    Me: *still wiping away tears* “I’m sorry. I know I’m being oversensitive…”

    (I start to pull my shirt back down.)

    Boyfriend: “No, no, wait—”

    (It hits me that he hadn’t been listening but rather looking at my exposed body. I get angry but then start laughing.)

    Me: “Oh, my gosh! Your girlfriend is crying and all you can think about are my breasts?!”

    Boyfriend: “No! It’s… I just can’t think when I see your body! I go blank!”

    Me: “I don’t know whether to hang up on you or hug you.”

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