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    Didn’t Order It With Salami

    | Irving, TX, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I order a pizza.)

    Boyfriend: *grabs a slice of pizza, takes a bite, then puts it back in the box*

    Me: “D*** it, [Boyfriend]! Quit doing that! I don’t want your mouth germs all over my half of the pizza!”

    Boyfriend: “You kiss me all the time! What’s the difference?”

    Me: “Yeah, well, I suck your d*** all the time, but I still don’t want you flopping it out on my food!”

    Boyfriend: “…good point.”

    Not Quite A Navy Seal

    | ME, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are kayaking in Maine. My husband is not what you would call an outdoorsman.)

    Me: “Oh, look! Seals! Look!”

    (There are about 20 seals that have just appeared and are swimming along with us and being extremely cute.)

    Me: “This is so great. Isn’t this awesome?”

    (I look back at him, to find that he looks extremely anxious.)

    Husband: “We should probably get back to shore, right?”

    Me: “Why? This is amazing!”

    Husband: “What if they try to knock us out?”

    Me: “What? Why would they do that?”

    Husband: “To eat us!”

    Me: “…babe, seals don’t do that. Seals don’t eat people.”

    Husband: “Well, maybe these ones do. Maybe they’ve gone carnivorous.”

    Me: “They’re already carnivorous. They eat fish. They’re not going to hurt you, they’re just curious and looking at us. Oh, look, a baby one!”

    Husband: “Well, what if they got the taste for mammal blood somehow?”

    (Long pause while I consider what he’s just said.)

    Me: “Honey, are you scared of the seals because you’ve subconsciously internalized a subplot from Arrested Development?”

    (Another long pause.)

    Husband: “Maybe.”

    (We stayed out with the seals for another hour. They did not try to eat us.)

    An Egg-Filled Basket Case

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is in the Air Force and is away for follow-up training right now. I haven’t seen him in over 5 months as he was at technical school before flying somewhere else for training. I usually get really excited about things that might possibly happen and therefore put ‘all my eggs in one basket.’ I don’t get to chat with him much and this happens one night when he calls me.)

    Me: “So what do you have to do tomorrow?”

    Boyfriend: “I don’t know. Nothing really. I don’t have class or details to do. I think I get to just hang out.”

    Me: “So, that means you can text me all day?!”

    Boyfriend: “I’m not sure, maybe.” *a few seconds of silence go by* “Don’t you dare. You take all those eggs out of that basket right now, missy.”

    Me: “But they’re already super-glued in!”

    Time To Wake Up And Eat The Roses

    | Gresham, OR, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (We have two kids at the time and I want to get my wife something personal and handmade for Valentine’s Day. Edible arrangements are a new business at the time and I am impressed by their products. My wife works long shifts on the weekends, so I am home with the kids. We head to the store and I buy a bunch of fruit, some cookie cutters, sticks, foam for the base, etc., plus a new vase. Once home, I spend several hours making a fruit bouquet, then we left to bring it to my wife.)

    Wife: “Hi! What do you have there?”

    Me: “It’s our gift for you! Happy Valentine’s Day, honey. I love you! Everything in this is made from fruit and edible!”

    Wife: “Um. Thanks, but I started a new diet yesterday and I can’t eat fruit. Maybe my coworkers can eat it.”

    (After her shift she brought it home and nobody had eaten any. I gave it all to the kids!)

    The Sweet Taste Of Death

    | Hampstead, MD, USA | Dating

    (It’s summer. So, all the strawberry stuff is out in the local bakeries and restaurants.)

    Boyfriend: “Hey, sweetheart! Sorry I’m late.”

    Me: “It’s fine. How was work?”

    Boyfriend: “Good. I stopped and grabbed you something.”

    Me: “Aw. You didn’t have to do that.”

    (He pulls out strawberry shortcake. My favorite!)

    Me: “I love you!”

    Boyfriend: “I thought so.” *cuts it and gives me a slice*

    (I eat about half of it while he eats his slice, but feel my tongue start tingling and my face and neck start burning.)

    Me: “Honey.”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah?”

    Me: “Where did you get this from?”

    Boyfriend: “[Local Bakery]. Why?”

    Me: “There’s cinnamon in it…” *I’m highly allergic*

    Boyfriend: “S***! Who puts cinnamon in strawberry cake?!” *immediately grabs the Benedryl and hands it to me* “Let’s go!”

    (I take two pills and then we drive to the hospital, where I get an additional antihistamine shot.)


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