(So my husband and I are out with some friends, including a girl we’ve been to several concerts with.)

Husband: *to our friend* “Hey, did you hear about the concert at the casino for Styx and Journey? It’s just a tribute band, but it sounds awesome.”

Friend: “That sounds cool.”

Husband: “Yeah, and it’s only $25 for two people; want to go?”

Me: “You’re talking about the one on Valentine’s Day, right? Where it’s 25 bucks per couple? As in, you’re asking a friend to a Valentine’s Day concert instead of your wife?”

Husband: *a little hesitant* “Uh, well…”

(Our friend is cracking up laughing now, and so is her boyfriend.)

Me: “I told you about this concert, but you haven’t asked me to go, but now you’re asking someone else to spend Valentine’s evening with?”

Husband: “You can go with [friend's boyfriend]!”

(We are on our first date, doing some of the ‘getting to know each other’ stuff.)

Date: “So, what’s your favourite colour?”

Me: “Oh, that’s easy. Red.”

Date: “You can’t have red. Red’s my favourite colour.”

Me: “I’m older, so I’m pretty sure it’s been my favourite for longer.”

Date: “Nope, that’s not how it works. So, what’s your favourite colour?”

Me: “…I don’t have one.”

(She gives me a big hug.)

Date: “Aww, that’s so sad!”

(I am meeting a group of my boyfriend’s friends for the first time. I have very big boobs, and am very used to people I meet quickly getting obsessed with talking about them and poking them. I’m perfectly comfortable with it as long as the touching is done only by girls or gay men.)

Boyfriend’s Friend #1: “By the way, [absent friend] told me to tell you that you’re a p***k.”

Boyfriend: “Why?”

Boyfriend’s friend #1: “Because your girlfriend’s got a pretty face, red hair and a giant rack; she’s exactly his type.”

Boyfriend: *hugging me possessively* “Mine.”

Boyfriend’s Friend #2: *who is female* “They are seriously amazing. Can I touch them?”

Me: “Sure, if you really want to—”

Boyfriend: “No! They’re mine!”

Boyfriend’s Friend #1: “Technically, they’re hers.” *gestures to me* “You just have visiting rights.”

Boyfriend: “No! I will fight for full custody!”

(My girlfriend is incredibly possessive and insecure. I am out on my first night out with friends in months.)

Girlfriend: *through phone call* “Hey babes, are you coming over tonight?”

Me: “Well, we discussed this earlier. I’m not driving tonight and I’ll be seeing you tomorrow.”

Girlfriend: “What! Have you got some w**** to sleep with?! That’s why you won’t see me, isn’t it?!”

(This continues for another five minutes. My friends, who can hear her, are all wide eyed in shock. Eventually my best friend takes the phone from me.)

My Friend: “Look, shut up. This poor guy has to put up with you and your insecurities almost every day, and I can guarantee no one else would. He deserves a medal for staying with you this long! Now let the man enjoy what time he has with his friends in peace, or I’m going to buy him a hooker just to spite you.” *hangs up on her*

(I’m on a first date. I don’t know this guy very well; he’s a friend of a friend and we’ve only previously talked online or via text a few times.)

Guy: “Hey it’s great to finally meet you.”

Me: “You too!”

Guy: “So you DTF?”

Me: “Um, sorry?”

Guy: “You’re not DTF?”

Me: “I don’t know what that means.”

(Without saying anything else, the guy gets up from the bar and leaves. I don’t know what just happened. I am getting a bit upset thinking I’ve done something wrong before the barman, who’s heard everything, comes over.)

Barman: “He was asking if you were down to…” *he gestures and waits for me to work it out*

Me: “….oh my god!”

Barman: “Yeah, look. Oh behalf of men everywhere I want to apologise for that a**-hole. We’re not all like that. I’m going to get you a drink on the house, and if he was your ride home, I’ll sort a cab for you. Don’t let him ruin your night.”

(I ended up staying for a few more hours and talking to him. At the end of the night he gave me his number!)

Related: from NotAlwaysRight
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World