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    Letting Her Go Is Not On The Schedule

    | SC, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are hanging out one Sunday night with his best friend and some other people.)

    Boyfriend’s Best Friend: “We should hang out tomorrow night if you’re free.”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah, that sounds good.”

    Me: “No. Remember, we have that thing?”

    Boyfriend: “D***, that’s right.”

    Boyfriend’s Best Friend: “What about Tuesday?”

    Boyfriend: *looks at me*

    Me: “No, you’re closing Tuesday night.”

    Boyfriend’s Best Friend: “She knows your work schedule? Never let her go.”

    A League Of An Ordinary Gentleman

    | NY, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (I am in a bar with a few of my girlfriends when a really handsome guy walks by our table towards his to join some friends. His phone slides from his back pocket and falls on the floor without him noticing. It must be noted also that I am quite curvy but still quite sporty. I pick the phone up and bring it to his table:)

    Me: “Hi, just wanted to tell you that—”

    Hot Guy: “—don’t bother. I only date skinny girls and I’m quite out of your league.”

    (My jaw drops at the nerve of this guy but I compose myself quickly, put on my best sarcastic face and answer.)

    Me: “Fine by me; I don’t date shallow douchebags. Anyway, I just came here to tell you that you dropped this.”

    (I put the phone is front of him and the guy turns bright red, while his friends start laughing. I start walking away, turn around and say:)

    Me: “By the way you’re not out my league; you’re simply way below it!”

    (His friends laughed harder and taunted him on how he got owned. The best part? As I was ordering drinks at the bar a while later, one of his friends came to me and apologized for that guy’s behavior. We had a bit of a laugh about it and he ended up asking for my number. We’ve been dating since! Last we heard about obnoxious guy, most of his friends had stopped hanging out with him because of his rude manners and shallowness.)

    Showing Signs Of Discontent

    | Sports Fort Collins, CO, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (The ONLY time in my life I have come up with a comeback on the spot and not five minutes later!)

    Guy: “Hey baby, what’s your sign?” *yes, he actually used that*

    Me: “Do not enter!”

    19 Reasons To Dump You

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend, his friend, and I are all in our mid-twenties. We also all have a weird sense of humor.)

    Boyfriend: “So, [Friend] said this girl in his class is interested in him, but she’s 19.”

    Me: “So, what did you tell him?”

    Boyfriend: “Well, I said it was a bad idea, and that he should just tell her it wouldn’t work out…”

    Me: “Good.”

    Boyfriend: “…but that he has a really awesome friend, and then give her my number.”

    Me: “You were so close!”

    Boyfriend: “Come on, it’s not like I would call her afterwards!”

    Lower Your Ex-pectations

    | Boston, MA, USA | Dating, Exes/Old Flames

    (I’m playing designated-driver for the night during a night out with and ex and his new girlfriend. My ex and I are still friendly but we don’t hang out or talk regularly. I’m hesitant to go as my ex turns into an a** when drunk but I end up going with them after he’s sworn up and down he’s changed and just wants to catch up. Not surprisingly, he gets thoroughly tanked.)

    Ex: *leaning over to me whispering horridly* “Hey, you see that girl there? She’s my ex and she still totally wants it.”

    Ex’s Girlfriend: *nervously* “Wrong shoulder, sweetheart.”

    Ex: “It’s totally pathetic that she hasn’t gotten over me. She wasn’t even good in bed.

    (His girlfriend gives me a sympathetic look and starts to make the excuse that ‘he’s drunk’ but I stop her.)

    Me: “No, stop. You know what’s really pathetic? The fact that he hasn’t changed a bit. I left him because he was a f****** drunk. I agreed to this outing because he swore up and down he’s changed and that it wouldn’t be awkward. We broke up five years ago and I haven’t regretted it a single second of my life.”

    Ex: *to his girlfriend* “She’s such a b****. That’s why I left her. That and because—” *yelling now* “—she sucks in the sack!”

    Ex’s Girlfriend: “This is so dumb. If she’s so pathetic then why are you the one talking about it? I’ve had enough. I’m done with you!”

    Ex: *shouting* “Yeah, well, f*** you, too! You’re the worst lay ever!”

    (The bartender came over and had our ex kicked out of the bar. Then he paid for our taxi home after deciding that we deserved a good stiff drink for having had to deal with an a** for however long we dated him.)

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