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  • Be Quiet Or There Will Be The Devil To Pay
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  • Lower Your Ex-pectations

    | Boston, MA, USA | Dating, Exes/Old Flames

    (I’m playing designated-driver for the night during a night out with and ex and his new girlfriend. My ex and I are still friendly but we don’t hang out or talk regularly. I’m hesitant to go as my ex turns into an a** when drunk but I end up going with them after he’s sworn up and down he’s changed and just wants to catch up. Not surprisingly, he gets thoroughly tanked.)

    Ex: *leaning over to me whispering horridly* “Hey, you see that girl there? She’s my ex and she still totally wants it.”

    Ex’s Girlfriend: *nervously* “Wrong shoulder, sweetheart.”

    Ex: “It’s totally pathetic that she hasn’t gotten over me. She wasn’t even good in bed.

    (His girlfriend gives me a sympathetic look and starts to make the excuse that ‘he’s drunk’ but I stop her.)

    Me: “No, stop. You know what’s really pathetic? The fact that he hasn’t changed a bit. I left him because he was a f****** drunk. I agreed to this outing because he swore up and down he’s changed and that it wouldn’t be awkward. We broke up five years ago and I haven’t regretted it a single second of my life.”

    Ex: *to his girlfriend* “She’s such a b****. That’s why I left her. That and because—” *yelling now* “—she sucks in the sack!”

    Ex’s Girlfriend: “This is so dumb. If she’s so pathetic then why are you the one talking about it? I’ve had enough. I’m done with you!”

    Ex: *shouting* “Yeah, well, f*** you, too! You’re the worst lay ever!”

    (The bartender came over and had our ex kicked out of the bar. Then he paid for our taxi home after deciding that we deserved a good stiff drink for having had to deal with an a** for however long we dated him.)

    You And I Can Write A Bad Bromance, Part 2

    | CT, USA | Bromance, Dating

    (My boyfriend has a very close friend who he has often gone away with to concert festivals, ski trips, or other weekend events. They also both really like craft beer and will go out to fancy bar/restaurants; all of this just the two of them. I like to tease him about this and he usually gets “mad” when I do.)

    Boyfriend: ”I’m gonna tell [Friend] that we just got here and see where he’s at.”

    (I receive a text from my boyfriend saying: “Just got here. What’s your ETA?”)

    Me: ”Hey, I think you texted me instead of [Friend]. I know it can get confusing, since you’re dating both of us.”

    Boyfriend: *giving up* ”Yeah, I guess that explains it.”

    You And I Can Write A Bad Bromance

    Pickup Lines With Strong Legs

    | Roswell, GA, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (My friend has been trying to hit on this one waitress all night and failing miserably. He has a physical disability and requires crutches in order to walk. It’s not apparent since he’s sitting at a table.)

    Waitress: “Give me one good reason as to why I should go out with you.”

    Friend: *puts his crutches on the table* “Pity f***?”

    (He got her number!)

    Major Problem Over A Minor

    | Canada | Fights/Breakups, Flirting/How We Met, Theme Of The Month

    (At the time, I’m 13, but I look older, and my dad and I are going to a bar to get my brother, who works there. My brother is just finishing up when a customer, who apparently is also a regular, stops to make conversation.)

    Customer: “I gotta tell you guys, [Brother] is the best waiter I’ve ever had. He’s kind, gets the right orders…” *notices me* “…and has a really hot sister, too!”

    Dad: “Don’t talk to my daughter like that!”

    Customer: “Oh, come on. She’s old enough to make her own decisions!” *to me* “So how about it?”

    (At this point, my brother gets off work, notices what’s happening and comes over.)

    Brother: “No, no, no! Not my sister!”

    Customer: “Oh come on, she’s old enough to make her own decisions!” *to me* “Well, wanna ditch these guys? I’ll buy you a drink.”

    Me: “Okay, I have had enough! First of all, I am 13! The fact that you are attracted to me, a minor, is more than a little terrifying, and you offered to buy me alcohol! That is so wrong! And furthermore, if you call me hot one more time…”

    Brother: “I will send the owner out! He is a friend of the family, you know.”

    Customer: “Wow, I wouldn’t have asked you out if I knew you were such a b****!”

    The Process Of Elimination

    | UK | Flirting/How We Met

    (I am on the autism spectrum and my mind works in a very logical and analytical way. I’m having a quiet drink with a female friend (I’m also female) and a man is starting to bother us, staring in a creepy way and making lewd gestures. When I go to the bar he comes up to me.)

    Man: “All right, sexy! Where’s your boyfriend?”

    Me: “Well, that’s three assumptions you’ve made about me: that I’m heterosexual, that I have a boyfriend, and that I’m somehow not allowed to be out without a man. You know, only one of those is correct!”

    Man: “Which one’s correct, then?”

    Me: “Well, if you used your brain you’d realise that if the third statement is true then the first two must be, and if the second one is true then the first one must be. So it must be the first one, yes?”

    Man: “What, so you’re telling me a lovely lady like you doesn’t have a boyfriend?”

    Me: “That’s right.”

    Man: “Why not?”

    Me: “Is it compulsory for every woman to have a boyfriend?”

    Man: “Well, no, but why don’t you?”

    Me: “Perhaps I don’t want one?”

    Man: “Why don’t you want one?”

    Me: “Er… maybe because I’m married?”

    Man: *he looks at my wedding ring and actually jumps backwards* “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO BEFORE?!”

    Me: “Actually, you never asked. Nor did you ask if I were interested in you, which I’m clearly not. Now I’d appreciate it if you left me and my friend alone because we’re not interested and not because you think we ‘belong’ to another man!”

    Man: “That’s fine by me. You’re both ugly, anyway!”

    (That would explain why he called me ‘sexy’!)

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