(I have an overnight layover in Miami and decide to kill some time at a bar. A guy sits next to me and we strike up a conversation.)

Guy: “So, what do you do?”

Me: “I’m a vet student. I’m actually on my way back to school for the spring semester.”

Guy: “Our jobs are similar! I throw rocks at small woodland creatures that are on fire.”

Me: “What?! That’s horrible! That’s the opposite of what I do!”

Guy: “Well, I am a firefighter. We have to kill anything on fire so it doesn’t spread.”

Me: “That’s still so sad! Why would you tell me this within minutes of meeting me and learning that my passion is helping animals?”

Guy: “I don’t know… I didn’t think this through…”

(Despite what he said, we ended up talking until 3 am, and I gave him my number. This month, we celebrate our 8 month anniversary!)

(My friend and I are trying out a new bar we have heard good things about for a girls’ night out. There is a guy who has had an eye on one of us the whole evening that we had been trying to avoid. However, he manages to sit himself next to us at the bar.)

Him: *to my friend* “Hey, let me buy you a drink.”

Her: “No, thank you.”

Him: “Aw, come on. I know you’ve been eyeing me all night.”

(Admittedly, this was partially true, but only because we were trying to see if he was still following us.)

Him: “I know you want a piece of this.”

Her: “No, thank you, I’m in a relationship.”

Him: “So what?”

Her: “Excuse me?”

Him: “I said, ‘So what?’ I’m sure I can make you forget all about him.”

Her: “How dare you?! How dare you assume that my relationship is inconsequential? If it did not matter, I would not have brought it up! And how dare you assume that I am so vapid and fickle that I would throw away a relationship that I consciously choose to be in for a one-night-stand with a stranger? How dare you think your own brief satisfaction so much more important than the emotional well-being of a man you don’t know? The only reason I mentioned being in a relationship was because I wanted to be nice and turn you down without implying any fault in you. Now I see that I was incredibly misguided. In the few sentences you’ve said, you have proved that you are a primeval, misogynistic, self-centered a**-hole who views women as nothing more than glorified sex toys. Even if I were not in a relationship, I would never consider doing anything with you.”

(By this time, many of the surrounding people, particularly the women, have fallen silent and are watching us intently.)

Him: *after a moment of shock* “Well, if I had known you were such a c***, I wouldn’t have bothered.”

Her: “Again, you prove my point. You try to insult me by using a word that implies that my having a vagina is something to be ashamed of. I am inherently proud of being a woman, and would much rather it than the penis that has given you such an undeserved sense of entitlement, arrogance, and ego.”

(He slams his beer down on the counter and storms out. All the surrounding patrons seemed stunned beyond words.)

Bartender: “That guy has been harassing women here for ages, but has never done anything bad enough that we could kick him out. For the rest of the night your drinks are on the house.”

(We had women coming up and to my friend and thanking her, telling us story after story about him. We’re now regulars at that bar, and haven’t seen him since.)

(I have just arrived at my boyfriend’s workplace to pick him up so we can go out for the night. He is in a bad mood, as his boss (and best friend) has been acting strange all week. His boss has also been dating his sister for two years.)

Me: “Hey baby, ready to go?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah just let me tell [boss].”

Boss: “What? No, I need you to stay until close tonight!”

Boyfriend: “What?! No, I’m only meant to be on until 9! Close is hours away!”

Boss: “Tough, I need you to stay.”

Me: “What the hell!? We have plans; we’re going out for drinks now.”

Boss: “He can have a drink here with me after we close.”

Boyfriend: “H***, no. You’re being a jerk. Why do you need me to stay? Why not [co-
worker]?”

Boss: “I need you.”

Boyfriend: “Why!?”

Boss: “I. Need. You.”

Boyfriend: “Tell me why, now, or I will quit, I swear!”

Boss: “Fine! Because I want to get you on your own so I can you if you’ll give me permission to ask your sister to marry me, and I want you to be my best man!”

(My boyfriend is in stunned silence.)

Me: “I’ll see you at home honey.”

(My boyfriend later did do best man at the wedding, telling the story of how he was such a great barman that his boss proposed to his sister just so he wouldn’t quit!)

(My boyfriend often makes fun of me for saying a lot of blonde things. On this particular night, I’m exhausted from work and on my A game for dumb statements.)

Boyfriend: “I’ll scoop you up and carry you back to the car if you need me to.”

Me: “Babe, I’m not ice cream.”

Boyfriend: *blank stare* “You’re lucky I love you. Following your thought process makes my brain hurt.”

Me: “Oh, like brain freeze?”

(My boyfriend and I are at a bar.)

Me: “I don’t like drinking vodka because it makes me feel like I belong in a New York club. I’m more of a whiskey or bourbon kind of girl.”

Boyfriend: “Hmm. I see your point. However, vodka is Russia’s beverage, and Russia is communist. Communism is about the common man, so vodka is the drink of the common man!”

Me: “I see your point. But in the US, vodka is marketed as being for hot guys in suits who give their cabs to pretty girls in the rain.”

Boyfriend: “That’s true. I think it’s the dichotomy of it that appeals to me.”

Me: “Interesting…”

Boyfriend: “I love us.”