(My job is to take fraud claims from customers who have/believe they have fraud charges on their bank accounts.)

Female Caller: “I have a charge on my card from a ‘GGW’, and I don’t know what this is. I already talked to my husband, and he doesn’t know what this is either.”

Me: “I can take a look at that for you…”

(I do some research and I find out what it is. It takes me a good minute or two, but I still cannot think of a good way to tell the customer.)

Me: “Ma’am, the charge was done on your husband’s card… and it came from, um… girls gone wild.” *awkward silence* “Would you like to ask him again before filing a fraud claim?”

Female Caller: “Yes. I. Will. Talk. To. Him.”

(This happens to a colleague as he sits next to me at the call centre. We often have to break down call charges for customers on their home lines.)

Male Caller: “Why is my phone bill so d*** high? I never call anybody!”

Coworker: “Sir, I can see quite a few calls here. Would you like me to tell you the most frequent numbers?”

Male Caller: *sighs* “Yes, yes.”

Female Voice: *in the background* “Just leave it!”

Coworker: “Most calls are going to [number], which is more expensive as it’s a mobile number.”

Male Caller: “That’s my best friend’s number, but I always ring him from my mobile. When are those calls supposed to have happened?”

Female Voice: *in the background* “JUST LEAVE IT!”

Coworker: *reads out several dates and times*

Male Caller: “That’s ridiculous! I’m always out in the day. The only person in is my wife…”

(The caller trails off as he makes the inevitable conclusion. He starts speaking again a few moments later.)

Male Caller: “…Thank you. You’ve been very helpful. I think that I’m going to have to have a discussion with my wife!”

Me: “Hello, may I speak to Mr. ***?”

Wife: “He’s in the shower, may I ask what this is about?”

Me: “I’m just calling to find out if he would like to renew a magazine subscription.”

Wife: “What magazine?”

Me: “Playboy, ma’am.”

Wife: “Just a second.”

(I can hear the shower in the background.)

Wife: *sweet voice* “Honey! Someone is calling to see if you want to renew a magazine.”

Husband: “Which one?”

Wife: *slightly homicidal voice* “Playboy…”

Husband: “Uh…no, I don’t think I’ll renew that.”

(The wife picks up phone again; her sweet voice is back.)

Wife: “No, thank you. I don’t think we’ll be needing that one anymore!”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

Caller: “I want to check the status of my form to withdrawal my account.”

Me: “I’m sorry Sir, but you gave conflicting information on the form. In the section where it asked if you were married, you marked both ‘Yes’ and ‘No’.’

Caller: “…and?”

Me: “Well, sir, that is conflicting information, so it was kicked out of the system.”

Caller: “So, what should I mark?”

Me: “Well, are you married or not?”

Caller: “I’m married… but I don’t like her.”

Me: “It sounds like you’re separated, but just to check, are you legally married?”

Caller: “Yes, but I don’t feel like I’m married.”

Me: “If you aren’t legally divorced, you’ll need to mark that you are married.”

Caller: “But I don’t LIKE her!”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

Me: “Thank you for calling ***, this is Bill in the breast aesthetics department. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My left boob popped.”

Me: “Okay, so the implant failed?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Are your implants silicone gel or saline?”

Customer: “The water kind.”

Me: “So, we’ve had a saline deflation. I need to ask you some questions in regards to how it may have deflated.”

Customer: “Why, don’t you believe me?”

Me: “Of course I believe you, but as part of making our implants even better and evaluating where under the device’s warranty this falls, I need to know what may have led up to the implant’s leak.”

Customer: “Oh, so you think this is my fault?! You make a crappy implant and you have the nerve to blame me?”

Me: “Wait, wait. First, I didn’t make your implant, my company did. I’m here to help you get this fixed in the fastest way possible and that starts with finding out how the implant deflated.”

Customer: “So you want to know what I did to screw them up, is that right? I spend a fortune on these things to be walking around with a flat tire of a tit and you think it’s my fault?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I simply need to know how to cover this under your warranty, to see how much money we are going to give you to fix the problem. We give you a check for money to fix the problem if you’ll just answer my questions. What do you remember doing when you first noticed the deflation in your breast?”

Customer: “Me and my boyfriend were playing sex hide-and-seek in the house and he thought it would be more fun if my boobs glowed. So, he used a needle tube to insert little red lights into them… what do you call those little glowing lights? It’s like three letters?”

Me: “… A diode?”

Customer: “Yes. He’s a trained professional… he uses them on animals at his job all the time.”

Me: “So, your boyfriend punched a hole in your chest and tried inserting a diode inside the implant?”

Customer: “Well, not in my chest. Just on the top side of my boob so it wouldn’t hurt. He numbed it first.”

Me: “… And this is the implant’s fault, how?”

Customer: “It started leaking and getting flat.”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I’m recording this and no one is going to believe me!”

Customer: *click*