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  • Be Quiet Or There Will Be The Devil To Pay
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  • As Long As He Doesn’t Become A Scrooge McDuck

    | Lansing, MI, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are coming home from an event, and we’re both hungry. We’re debating picking up a ready-made hot pizza rather than having to make something at home. My husband is driving.)

    Husband: “Yeah, let’s go ahead and get the pizza. It’s only five ducks.”

    Me: “Um… did you mean to say five BUCKS? Because you totally said ducks. Haha!”

    Husband: “I don’t know about you, but I have recently switched to the new duck-based currency.”

    Me: “…”

    Husband: *turns to look at me, deadpan* “… ducks are VERY hard to forge.”

    Me: *dissolves into laughter*

    African Adonis

    | USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are on the way home when I comment on a particularly fit man that was in the line at the movie theater.)

    Me: “That man seriously had the body of a Grecian god!”

    Husband: “Don’t be silly. The Grecian gods were all white with small penises. He might have been an African god…”

    Me: “That man could probably tackle an elephant to the ground. He could ride lions. When he steps on the Savannah the hyenas stop laughing.”

    A Very Hard Nut To Crack

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is visiting. As he loves boiled peanuts, I bought some to surprise him. I pull off the lid and hold it while we are talking. He suddenly snatches the lid from me.)

    Boyfriend: “It was dripping on you.”

    Me: “There’s a sex joke in there somewhere…”

    Boyfriend: “…”

    Me: “Something like: ‘you don’t want me to get wet?’ Does that sound weird?”

    Boyfriend: “No, the fact that it was your own nuts that made you wet is weird.”

    I’m Going To Blow Your Mind

    | NY, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I are discussing a couple of mutual friends that we recently started to hang out with more. He is driving.)

    Fiancé: “It’s weird. I never would have thought I’d say this, but I think [Mutual Friends]—”

    (He is cut off in traffic and stops talking for a moment.)

    Me: “I think so, too.”

    Fiancé: *staring* “What?”

    Me: “I said I think so, too.”

    Fiancé: “I never finished my sentence.”

    Me: “You were going to say you think they’ll be lifelong friends, right?”

    Fiancé: “…yes. How did you know?”

    Me: “I’m in yo’ BRAIN!”

    Fiancé: “Well get out! You don’t want to know what else is in there.”

    Me: “Oh, I already had a look around. Kind of a scary place, dear.”

    Jumping To Hysterical Conclusions

    | NY, USA | Engaged

    (I am allergic to spider venom, whereas my fiancé is not. He is also rather stoic about bugs and is not really afraid of any of them. This happens when we are riding to his house in the car.)

    Me: *suddenly stiffening* “Honey, there’s a jumping spider right by your head! Don’t move suddenly, or he might jump toward me.”

    Fiancé: *trying to look out of the corner of his eye* “Where? Don’t worry about it. They can’t jump far. An inch, maybe?”

    Me: *leaning as far away as possible* “No, honey, it can jump as far as me over here.”

    Fiancé: *suddenly tense* “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yep. And it’s moving, now. Watch out.”

    (I keep him updated on the location of the spider as we drive down the road, with him getting more and more uncharacteristically nervous. Eventually, the spider slides into a crack in the door and is no longer visible.)

    Fiancé: *glances over and realizes the spider is gone and suddenly screams at the top of his lungs* “OH, MY GOD! IT JUMPED! OH, MY GOD, WHERE IS IT! HOLY CRAP, IT JUMPED!”

    Me: *laughing hysterically* “HONEY! Calm down. It went into the car door.”

    Fiancé: *still yelling* “ARE YOU SURE?! OH, MY GOD, IT JUMPED!”

    Me: *crying from laughing so hard* “It’s just hiding! It didn’t jump on you!”

    Fiancé: *hyperventilating*

    Me: “Do you need to pull the car over? Why are you freaking out so much?”

    Fiancé: “I DON’T KNOW!”

    Me: “I’m the one who’s allergic, not you! Why are you so scared all the sudden?”

    Fiancé: “I DON’T KNOW!” *slowly looks to his door* “Can you still see it?”

    Me: “Yes, honey, it’s still in the door.”

    Fiancé: “Oh, thank God.” *thinks about what just happened* “…I need to hand in my man card, now, don’t I?”

    Me: “Not your best moment, honey.”

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