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    The Messiest Kind Of Love

    | Denver, CO, USA | Dating

    Me: “You know, I have to let you know something. Did you know my love for you is like explosive diarrhea?”

    Boyfriend: “Thanks?”

    Me: “No, think about it. My love for you shoots out of me uncontrollably and without warning. It makes me dizzy and lightheaded. And most importantly, people around me don’t want to know anything about it.”

    Boyfriend: “That is sadly the most accurate description of being in love that I’ve ever heard. That’s just disturbing.”

    Me: “You already know I was disturbed. Now I’m just dragging you to my side of crazy by your ear.”

    Boyfriend: “Can I start calling you Diarrhea?”

    Me: “Of course.”

    When Size Matters

    | Alexandria, LA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend, his best friend, and I are on the way home after a fun day together. My boyfriend is 6′, his best friend is 5’10” and I am 5’3”.)

    Me: “[Best Friend], what size shirt do you wear?”

    Best Friend: “A medium, why?”

    Me: “I thought so. I have a t-shirt I can give you. I did a craft swap with a friend and she sent me a shirt she customized. It has ‘Zombie Hunter’ on the front and it looks blood splattered. It’s really cool but she used a unisex medium so it’s too big.”

    Best Friend: “Awesome! Thanks, [My Name].”

    Boyfriend: *whiny voice* “But why can’t I have the shirt?”

    Me: *laughs* “Dude, I’m pretty sure that it’s not going to fit over your broad shoulders.”

    Boyfriend: *cheerfully* “I can make it fit!”

    Me: “Yeah but then it wouldn’t be long enough! It wouldn’t even cover your stomach!”

    Boyfriend: *raising one eyebrow* “So are you saying that you wouldn’t go to Walmart or the grocery store with me if I was wearing a belly t-shirt?”

    Me: “…”

    Hungry For Love, Part 2

    | Pascagoula, MS, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (Due to blood sugar issues I tend to get extremely cranky when I’m hungry and then extremely happy once I’ve eaten. This incident occurs right after my partner and I go through a drive-thru.)

    Me: *glances at partner and smiles* “I love you.”

    Partner: *looks at me with confusion then notices that I’ve eaten my meal* “Oh! You just ate.”

    Related:
    Hungry For Love

    At The Wrong Innuendo The Neighborhood

    | Clayton, NC, USA | Dating, Friends With Benefits

    (A guy I used to work with, and have since slept with a couple times since he quit, is driving me home from work one night. Despite having been to my place several times, he can’t remember how to get through my neighborhood.)

    Him: “You’re gonna have to guide me in.”

    Me: *starts laughing* “Sometimes!”

    Him: “I can’t believe I just said that.”

    Sick On Sight

    | Norway | Dating

    (We are driving from one end of the country to another which is a seven-hour drive. I’m driving since I always get carsick, and my boyfriend is sitting there reading his book)

    Me: “How can you not get carsick? The roads are bumpy and have turns every other meter.”

    Boyfriend: “It’s not that hard; I’ve never been carsick.”

    Me: “Well, good for you. I feel sick just by looking at you!”

    (I meant from looking at him reading. He was not amused and pouted for the next hour.)


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