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    Curiosity Killed My Mom

    | NJ, USA | Dating

    (I’m telling my boyfriend about my cat, who is rather old and sick and will probably have to be put down soon.)

    Me: “What do you even do with a pet when they die? Does the vet take care of them?”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah, you can have the vet cremate them.”

    Me: “I’ll have to talk to my mom about it. She’s had to do a lot of this kind of planning lately, especially with her parents passing. We’ve even had the conversation about what she would want us to do for her when the time comes.”

    Boyfriend: “Well, you could always just bury her in the back yard?”

    Me: *thinking he’s joking* “You think? But it’s a small back yard and it would kill the property value. You know I’m not keeping that place when my parents go.”

    Boyfriend: “For a cat?”

    Me: “Oh, I thought you meant my mom.”

    No Need To Panic!

    | CA, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancée and I have just finished grocery shopping and are driving home. We are listening to a ‘Panic! at the Disco’ CD as we pull into the driveway.)

    Me: “Huh. I kind of liked what they did with some of the lyrics in that song.”

    Fiancée: “Yeah, they’re pretty cool.”

    Me: “But I couldn’t understand all of them. What exactly was one line? Take the something off the sheets?”

    Fiancée: “I actually don’t know.”

    Me: *fake pouty* “God, [Fiancée]! Why do I even keep you around if you can’t remember Panic! at the Disco lyrics?”

    Fiancée: “Sex?”

    Me: “…Right.”

    Finished A Game Of Sarcastaball

    | Davenport, IA, USA | Dating

    (After my boyfriend I have sex for the first time, we leave so that he can play in his indoor soccer league. This conversation occurs after the game.)

    Boyfriend: “And now you have seen me play soccer. I don’t know how you aren’t trying to have your way with me right now.”

    Me: “Lots of self control.”

    Boyfriend: “I sense no sarcasm in that sentence, so WOO!”

    Very Cute Racecar Noises

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Marriage & Partners

    (My wife is driving us home when I see a cute puppy on the side of the road.)

    Me: “N’awwwww!”

    Wife: “Yeah! Nearrrnnn! Vrooom! Eeerrrrrrrr!”

    Me: “…”

    Wife: “Beeeeoooooow!”

    Me: “What are you doing?”

    Wife: “I’m making racecar noises!”

    Me: “…”

    Wife: “Isn’t that what you were doing?”

    Horsing Around The Innuendo

    | CA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I have just gone horseback riding. I am now trying to settle into my seat in the car.)

    Me: “It’s weird not… wait. What I was about to say sounds so wrong.”

    Boyfriend: “What?”

    Me: “It’s weird not having something between my legs.”

    (We laugh long and hard about this.)

    Boyfriend: “Dear, I know how you feel, and at the same time, I don’t know how you feel.”


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