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  • A Very Hard Nut To Crack

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is visiting. As he loves boiled peanuts, I bought some to surprise him. I pull off the lid and hold it while we are talking. He suddenly snatches the lid from me.)

    Boyfriend: “It was dripping on you.”

    Me: “There’s a sex joke in there somewhere…”

    Boyfriend: “…”

    Me: “Something like: ‘you don’t want me to get wet?’ Does that sound weird?”

    Boyfriend: “No, the fact that it was your own nuts that made you wet is weird.”

    I’m Going To Blow Your Mind

    | NY, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I are discussing a couple of mutual friends that we recently started to hang out with more. He is driving.)

    Fiancé: “It’s weird. I never would have thought I’d say this, but I think [Mutual Friends]—”

    (He is cut off in traffic and stops talking for a moment.)

    Me: “I think so, too.”

    Fiancé: *staring* “What?”

    Me: “I said I think so, too.”

    Fiancé: “I never finished my sentence.”

    Me: “You were going to say you think they’ll be lifelong friends, right?”

    Fiancé: “…yes. How did you know?”

    Me: “I’m in yo’ BRAIN!”

    Fiancé: “Well get out! You don’t want to know what else is in there.”

    Me: “Oh, I already had a look around. Kind of a scary place, dear.”

    Jumping To Hysterical Conclusions

    | NY, USA | Engaged

    (I am allergic to spider venom, whereas my fiancé is not. He is also rather stoic about bugs and is not really afraid of any of them. This happens when we are riding to his house in the car.)

    Me: *suddenly stiffening* “Honey, there’s a jumping spider right by your head! Don’t move suddenly, or he might jump toward me.”

    Fiancé: *trying to look out of the corner of his eye* “Where? Don’t worry about it. They can’t jump far. An inch, maybe?”

    Me: *leaning as far away as possible* “No, honey, it can jump as far as me over here.”

    Fiancé: *suddenly tense* “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yep. And it’s moving, now. Watch out.”

    (I keep him updated on the location of the spider as we drive down the road, with him getting more and more uncharacteristically nervous. Eventually, the spider slides into a crack in the door and is no longer visible.)

    Fiancé: *glances over and realizes the spider is gone and suddenly screams at the top of his lungs* “OH, MY GOD! IT JUMPED! OH, MY GOD, WHERE IS IT! HOLY CRAP, IT JUMPED!”

    Me: *laughing hysterically* “HONEY! Calm down. It went into the car door.”

    Fiancé: *still yelling* “ARE YOU SURE?! OH, MY GOD, IT JUMPED!”

    Me: *crying from laughing so hard* “It’s just hiding! It didn’t jump on you!”

    Fiancé: *hyperventilating*

    Me: “Do you need to pull the car over? Why are you freaking out so much?”

    Fiancé: “I DON’T KNOW!”

    Me: “I’m the one who’s allergic, not you! Why are you so scared all the sudden?”

    Fiancé: “I DON’T KNOW!” *slowly looks to his door* “Can you still see it?”

    Me: “Yes, honey, it’s still in the door.”

    Fiancé: “Oh, thank God.” *thinks about what just happened* “…I need to hand in my man card, now, don’t I?”

    Me: “Not your best moment, honey.”

    I Find Your Lack Of Music Disturbing

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Dating, Theme Of The Month

    (My boyfriend and I our spending our first weekend together, and it’s a two hour drive. I’m bored out of mind.)

    Me: “Sooooo… are we there yet?”

    Boyfriend: “Oh, dear God, not this again. Pick a CD or something!”

    Me: *searches through his disks* “I don’t know any of these bands. I don’t listen to music.”

    Boyfriend: *turns in his seat and stares at me* “We can’t date anymore. I’m sorry.”

    Me: “Let me redeem myself! Please!”

    Boyfriend: *thinks long and hard* “I’m going to hum something and you have to guess it.”

    Me: “Ooookay.”

    (Thinking we both know I’m not going to get it, he starts humming. My eyes slowly widen and I get really excited and shout within three seconds:)

    Me: “IMPERIAL DEATH MARCH!”

    Boyfriend: “…and you just scored massive bonus points.”

    (Eight months later, and we are still together. And nope, I still don’t listen to music.)

    Thinking Heavy But Bouncy Thoughts

    | Henrietta, NY, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I are on a car ride. I have been staring silently out the window for a couple minutes.)

    Fiancé: *somewhat concerned* “What are you thinking about?”

    Me: “Boobs.”

    Fiancé: “What?!”

    Me: “Well, I was thinking about my friend who has ‘J’-size boobs. She has to get her bras custom-made. Each of her boobs is the size of my head. I was just thinking how uncomfortable it would be to have boobs the size of my head.”

    Fiancé: “…so, boobs.”

    Me: “Yup.”

    Fiancé: “I thought you were thinking of something really deep with how focused you look.”

    Me: “Nope. When it doubt, I’m probably thinking about boobs.”


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