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    Stair-ing Into Each Other’s Soul

    | Half Moon Bay, CA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I share the same bizarre trains of thought. We are driving along the coast when he gestures out the window at some seagulls that are floating in the air above the beach.)

    Boyfriend: “I like how the seabirds just, like… become stairs.”

    Me: “You mean when they hover?”

    Boyfriend: “Yes!” *pause* “It’s nice that you get what I’m saying even when I don’t make sense.”

    Me: “But it does make sense: they’re not moving, like an escalator when it becomes stairs.”

    Boyfriend: “EXACTLY!”

    Hooked Only On You

    | UT, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (I’m on my way home after taking a day trip with a friend and her family. Her three kids are in the back seat; my kid’s beside me in the middle. All four of them have fallen asleep, and we’ve just reached the outskirts of our town, so I call my husband.)

    Husband: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hey, lover. We just hit [intersection], so you’ve got about five minutes to clean up the booze and kick out the hookers.”

    Husband: “Aw, man! Candy just got here.”

    Me: “I don’t know if I’m up for a threesome tonight, love. I mean, unless she’s really hot.”

    Husband: *finally losing it* “Are you seriously saying all this in front of the kids?”

    Me: “What? They’re asleep.”

    Husband: “Still…”

    Me: “It’s not like they’d understand yet, anyway.”

    May The Food Be With You

    | Fort Mill, SC, USA | Marriage & Partners

    Husband: “It’s late. We probably need to get some take out tonight.”

    Me: “Well, what do you feel like?”

    Husband: “I don’t want subs. I did the sub run a couple days ago.”

    Me: “And you did it in less than twelve parsecs. Impressive.”

    Husband: “I love you.”

    Me: “I know.”

    The Messiest Kind Of Love

    | Denver, CO, USA | Dating

    Me: “You know, I have to let you know something. Did you know my love for you is like explosive diarrhea?”

    Boyfriend: “Thanks?”

    Me: “No, think about it. My love for you shoots out of me uncontrollably and without warning. It makes me dizzy and lightheaded. And most importantly, people around me don’t want to know anything about it.”

    Boyfriend: “That is sadly the most accurate description of being in love that I’ve ever heard. That’s just disturbing.”

    Me: “You already know I was disturbed. Now I’m just dragging you to my side of crazy by your ear.”

    Boyfriend: “Can I start calling you Diarrhea?”

    Me: “Of course.”

    When Size Matters

    | Alexandria, LA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend, his best friend, and I are on the way home after a fun day together. My boyfriend is 6′, his best friend is 5’10” and I am 5’3”.)

    Me: “[Best Friend], what size shirt do you wear?”

    Best Friend: “A medium, why?”

    Me: “I thought so. I have a t-shirt I can give you. I did a craft swap with a friend and she sent me a shirt she customized. It has ‘Zombie Hunter’ on the front and it looks blood splattered. It’s really cool but she used a unisex medium so it’s too big.”

    Best Friend: “Awesome! Thanks, [My Name].”

    Boyfriend: *whiny voice* “But why can’t I have the shirt?”

    Me: *laughs* “Dude, I’m pretty sure that it’s not going to fit over your broad shoulders.”

    Boyfriend: *cheerfully* “I can make it fit!”

    Me: “Yeah but then it wouldn’t be long enough! It wouldn’t even cover your stomach!”

    Boyfriend: *raising one eyebrow* “So are you saying that you wouldn’t go to Walmart or the grocery store with me if I was wearing a belly t-shirt?”

    Me: “…”


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