(My mom and dad are sitting in the car, arguing about something stupid. My mother gives him a look.)

Dad: “Don’t look at me like I’m stupid and you’re not!”

(My husband and I are on a drive in the country. My husband is driving. We are arguing about something stupid. Both of us are being stubborn, and not dropping the subject. I have had enough. I roll down the window, and mime shoving something very heavy out the window.)

Me: “There!”

(My husband laughs.)

Me: “Why are you laughing? I didn’t even explain what I was doing!”

Husband: “It was obvious that you were throwing the dead horse out the window—the one we were beating.”

Me: “How in the world did you figure that out?!”

Husband: “I know how your brain works. And besides, I had to swerve to keep from hitting the d*** thing! You have bad aim!”

(My boyfriend and I are talking about money and jobs.)
 
Boyfriend: “I wish I had enough money. I could buy women things, and they would have sex with me.”
 
Me: *sarcastically* “Because you’re not getting any right now.”
 
Boyfriend: “Oh, yeah! I don’t have to do anything!”

(My boyfriend and I are trying to park at a mall. My boyfriend has a large truck, so finding spots is difficult. We see an open spot up front reserved for ‘Expectant Mothers’.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, you look pregnant.”

(As he says this, he pulls into an ‘Expectant Mothers’ parking spot.)

Me: “Excuse me?”

(My boyfriend often makes corny jokes. We go apple picking, but when we get to the park, the apples on the trees aren’t ripe yet.)

Boyfriend: “So, would you say that was a fruitless journey?”

(I can only sigh heavily.)