(After an event, my boyfriend and I sit on the back bumper of his car, not wanting to leave, even though it’s getting late. We’ve been talking for a while, and the conversation takes a pause with my head resting on his shoulder. He is my first boyfriend, so I am not completely comfortable with being overly affectionate in public yet.)

Boyfriend: “You know, if our lives were a movie, I think people would be yelling at me to ‘kiss the girl’ already.”

Me: “Was that a subtle hint?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, that wasn’t meant to be subtle at all.”

Me: “Well, what about that old man over there? I’m sure he doesn’t want to see that.”

Boyfriend: “No, I’m pretty sure he’d be yelling at me to kiss you as well.”

(He kisses me, and we hear the old man whistle from across the parking lot.)

(My boyfriend and I are heading out to meet some friends at a popular restaurant. Although the parking lot is packed, I manage to find a spot a few feet from the entrance.)

Boyfriend: “Wow, Doris Day parking!”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Boyfriend: “It’s like old Doris Day movies. Whenever there was a shot of her driving somewhere, she always conveniently parked right by the front door.”

Me: “Oh, okay, gotcha.”

(A few weeks later, we go to see a movie, and I find a parking spot a few feet from the entrance of the theatre.)

Boyfriend: “Doris Day parking again!”

Me: “Ha! I guess I’ve just got good parking karma or something.”

(A few days after that, coincidentally the Saturday before Christmas, my boyfriend and I get in my car to go visit my parents.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, on the way, do you mind if we stop at Best Buy?”

Me: “Why?”

Boyfriend: “I just want to pick up a couple of things.”

Me: “Baby, it’s the Saturday before Christmas. It’s going to be anarchy in there. Can’t this wait?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, come on. You won’t even have to park; just drop me off and circle.”

Me: “Grrr, fine. Whatever.”

(Begrudgingly, I drive to Best Buy and pull into the parking lot, which is complete chaos. Within seconds, I find a spot a few feet from the entrance.)

Boyfriend: *stony silence*

Me: “Well, we’re here. Aren’t you going to go get that stuff you want?”

Boyfriend: *more stony silence*

Me: “Sweetheart? Are you alright?”

Boyfriend: “YOU’RE DORIS DAY PARKING ON PURPOSE.”

(My fiancé and I have just had a small argument about whose music to play while in the car.)

Me: “Well, you know what we’ve learnt from this?”

Fiancé: “I’m a better person than you?”

Me: “Exactly. You can just sit over there and bask in the glow of knowing you’re the better person while I play my music.”

Fiancé: “I’ve been basking in this for years.”

Me: “You’ll get sun burn soon from all that basking.”

Fiancé: “Screw sun burn. After this long, I’m getting freaking skin cancer!”

(I frequently drive my niece and nephew around, and usually keep the window lock on so only the driver can open windows. I’m going on a drive with my girlfriend of just two weeks.)

Girlfriend: *tries to open window* “Hey! Let me open the window!”

Me: “Oh sorry, I was driving [niece and nephew] around earlier.”

Girlfriend: *humph*

(Later, at a stop light.)

Girlfriend: *stabbing at the window controls* “D*** it, why did you lock it again? I want to open it! God, you’re so controlling with your car! I don’t think I can take it. It’s over!”

Me: “Your window’s already all the way open.”

Girlfriend: *silence* “…I don’t care.”

(That was the break-up.)

(My husband and I are talking about him possibly getting on Ritalin. In the past, these medications have made him overly aggressive, so I suggest a testosterone inhibitor to counter it. I have 44DD breasts.)

Husband: “Something to lower my testosterone?! Are you crazy? I don’t want my boobs to get bigger. I’ll look like you! I’d end up with big boobs and a hairy chest!”

(I look at him like I want to kill him.)

Husband: “That didn’t come out right.”

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