(I work in the camera department. I am just wrapping up a sale with a customer who is purchasing a camera for his girlfriend.)

Me: “Alright, so your total comes to [total].”

(He hands me his card.)

Customer: “So, what’s there to do around here? I’m just in town for a couple days for work, so I really don’t know the area.”

Me: “Well there’s a few nice parks, the outdoor swimming area, malls, clubs, the new art gallery and library. Lots of options depending on what you’re into.”

Customer: “What if I’m into you?”

Me: “Umm… pardon?”

Customer: “What time are you off work? You should come by my hotel room; got one with a jacuzzi and everything.”

Me: “Yeah… ah… no thanks. I mean, I did just sell you a camera for your girlfriend.”

Customer: “You said it takes HD video, right? Could get some good use out of it!”

Me: “No thank you, sir. You have a girlfriend, and I’m not interested. Here’s you’re receipt. Have a good night.”

Customer: “Oh, come on! What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her! And it’s not like I’m looking for a relationship or whatever, just a good f***! How about this; I’ll buy you dinner first.”

Me: “Sir, get out. I’ve told you that I’m not interested. And as you registered the service plan on the camera under your girlfriend’s phone number, I have her on file. If you do not leave this store right now, I will call her, and she will know what you’re trying to do here.”

(He curses at me and takes off. What’s sad is that this sort of thing is actually considered normal by my coworkers.)

(I notice an elderly couple in my department, browsing TVs.)

Me: “Welcome to [electronics store]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”

Husband: “Yes, we’re looking for a 46″ TV, but we aren’t sure what kind we need. Can you help us?”

Me: “Certainly. First off, what will you mostly be watching? Sports, movies, video games?”

Husband: “Mostly porn.”

Wife: “Oh, don’t tell him that!”

Me: “Well, then I suppose we’ll be needing an LCD with motion processing.”

Wife: “Why’s that?”

Me: “Well, we wouldn’t want it to blur during the good parts…”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

(I was teaching a 60 year-old or so guy how to use the internet.)

Customer: “So… I can search for… ANYTHING?”

Me: “Anything.”

Customer: “And this will just find it for me?”

Me: “Yup.”

(We search for a baseball score, find it, and go back to Google. He clicks on the search bar again and “baseball scores” comes up.)

Customer: “Oh, it keeps a list?”

Me: “Yeah, so it’s easier to find the stuff you like next time.”

Customer: *disheartened* “Can I get rid of that? You know, like if I… you know… buy my wife a present or something and don’t want her to know about it?”

Me: “Yeah, just click on ‘Reset Safari’ and it will delete any evidence of what you searched.”

(The guy is clearly dumbfounded at the world of opportunities now available to him.)

Customer: “You just saved my marriage.”

(Enjoy your porn, Gary.)

Also seen on: Not Always Right.