(My fiancé and I are lying in bed watching TV. I fall asleep snuggling him. I wake up snuggling something else.)

Me: “Why am I cuddling dog butt?”

Fiancé: “Because he wanted that spot and you’re a heat seeking missile.”

Me: “Okay, but why did you let me snuggle his butt?”

Fiancé: “…I now have the cutest picture of you asleep on my phone.”

(My girlfriend has begged me for our entire relationship to learn magic tricks. I agree, and she’s just bought me a very expensive magic kit with over 200 tricks. I’m going through it.)

Me: “Well, I already know how the cards work—”

Girlfriend: “DON’T! Not a word! I have had my eye on that magic kit for over a year, with no one to learn magic for me. Now I have you to do it, and I will NOT have it ruined for me!”

Me: “Seriously?”

Girlfriend: “Not a word. I don’t want to know anything about it. It’s magic.”

Me: “But you can see it’s a kit—”

Girlfriend: “Not a word! MAGIC! It will ruin my life. Learning how those magic tricks are done will seriously ruin my life. Look at me. Look me in the eye.”

(She stares at me seriously.)

Girlfriend: “Especially … the sponge one.”

Me: “What?”

Girlfriend: “The sponge trick in there. It is my favourite magic trick of all time. Do not ever ruin it for me; it will destroy me.”

Me: “Um, okay.”

(My girlfriend puts her head in her hands.)

Girlfriend: “I’m actually getting nervous about it now. You can’t stuff up that trick.”

(I’m a bit scared to learn it now…)

(My boyfriend knows that I get home at a specific time each night. He calls me if I’m not online, in case I’m in trouble. I am held up by a huge traffic jam and a late train, and have just about made it home when he calls.)

Boyfriend: “Have you finished saving the busload of nuns yet?”

Me: “Nope. The boatload of cannibal clowns got there before I could. I’m so very sorry.”

(My boyfriend is trying to seduce me while I’m trying to sleep.)

Me: “I have my period.”

Boyfriend: “A TRUE pirate isn’t afraid to sail the red seas.”

(I grimace, but call his bluff.)

Me: “Go for it then.”

(He pauses, then sighs in dismay.)

Boyfriend: “…fine, I’m not a true pirate.”

(Since I have relatively large breasts, I sometimes get what is commonly known as ‘boob-rash’. It’s caused by chafing of the skin, combined with some moisture, such as sweat. Baby powder helps.)

Me: “Before we go out with the dogs, let’s stop by the drugstore to get some baby powder.”

Boyfriend: “Do you have rash again? Will I have to hold them up for you when we go out?”

Me: “Well, that would probably work, too.”

Boyfriend: “And it’s much more eco-friendly!”