(My wife has a habit of sharing far too much personal information about our private lives. She never realises what she’s said until its too late. We’re having dinner with friends, and she’s just done it again. She refers to it as the TMI boundary.)

Wife: “Oh, no! I can’t stop myself. But, at least I see the TMI boundary just as I pass it!”

Me: “No, honey. Not ‘just as you pass it’. The TMI boundary is normally disappearing into the horizon, as you’re galloping full speed into the sunset of embarrassment.”

(My boyfriend and I are a long way from having children, but we wind up playing the “What If?” game a lot. We start talking about names for our future child.)

Boyfriend: “Well, in my family we have a tradition that all the boys have the initials of GRH.”

Me: “Ugh. I have yet to find a good ‘G name, and we are not naming the kid after you or your father. Definitely not your brother, and all the other names either sound pretentious or cartoony.”

Boyfriend: “Hey! But I want to keep to tradition.”

Me: “So do I. My family uses exotic names and names of our elders.”

Boyfriend: *thinks before jokingly proclaims* “I got it! Gambit!”

Me: “That’s perfect!”

Boyfriend: “I was just joking.”

Me: “You’re too late for that. I have to carry the kid for 9 months and it fits all of our requirements.”

Boyfriend: “You know that my brother’s son’s middle name is Logan right?”

(I laugh.)

Boyfriend: *grins* “You can teach him how to staff fight, but who are we going to find to teach him how to throw cards?”

Me: “There’s another problem.”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: *serious* “You and I both carry the twin gene.”

(He is stunned.)

Me: “I will not give birth to the wonder twins!”

Related:
The Black-Widow To My Hawk-Eye
The Jean-Grey To My Scott Summers

(I am about to leave the house.)

Boyfriend: “I think we should do some adult things today…”

Me: “But I’m on my—”

Boyfriend: *without hearing me* “…like re-planting the herbs in bigger pots. That really needs to be done!”

(I have known my boyfriend for three years. He has a beard/moustache, and very long hair. A man that’s clean shaven and sporting a crew cut rings our door.)

Me: “Hello, sir. Who are you looking for?”

Man: “I’m looking for [my name].”

Me: “That’s me. And you are?”

Man: *just smiles*

Me: “Um, do I know you?”

Man: “I’m your boyfriend.”

Me: *jaw drops*

(My girlfriend and I are playing around in bed when I take her breasts in my hands.)

Me: “I just thought of the perfect name for your boobs!”

Girlfriend: “What?”

Me: *playing with her breasts* “What are we going to do tonight brain? Same thing we do every night Pinky, try to take over the world. Pinky and the brain, brain, brain, brain.”

(My girlfriend is not looking too amused.)

Me: “Guess it is off the table now?”

Girlfriend: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “So close!”