(It is our wedding night. As my husband and I try to go to sleep, we talk to each other.)

Me: “We have been married for eight hours!”

Husband: “I know! You haven’t cooked for me the ENTIRE TIME we have been married!”

Me: “Well, you haven’t taken the trash out the ENTIRE TIME we have been married!”

Husband: “You know what the weirdest thing is, though?”

Me: “What?”

Husband: “Neither of us has pooped the ENTIRE TIME we’ve been married.”

Me: “How do you know?”

Husband: “Well, have you pooped since we got married?”

Me: “No, but—”

Husband: “Neither have I! See, I was right.”

Me: “This is going on Not Always Romantic.”

(My husband and I are staying at a fancy hotel for his birthday. Our room has a jacuzzi. I am leaning against his chest, and he is sitting behind me. He turns on the jets after they have been off for a while.)

Me: “Did you turn the jets on so that I wouldn’t notice if you farted?”

Husband: “We had Mexican food; what did you expect? Furthermore, if you know my tricks for farting modestly, we have been together for too long.”

Me: “Sorry, next time I will pretend to fall for it.”

Husband: “D*** straight.”

Related:
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 5
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 4
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 3
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 2
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air

(My fiancé and I are playing laser tag with two of my sisters. We have just finished the game.)

Me: “That was awesome! Look, I got second!”

Sister #1: “Wait, who’s #2?”

Sister #2: “Oh cool! That’s me! I won!”

Fiancé: *to me* “Oh wow. I shot you twelve times.”

Me: “Wow! You shot me more than anyone else! When did you shoot me?”

Fiancé: “I kept coming around corners and you were there!”

Me: “You just like taking me from behind, don’t you?”

(Everyone bursts out laughing.)

Me: “What’d I say now?!”

(My fiancé eventually explains while my littlest sister continues to spaz about how innocent I am. My sisters cannot wait to hear what our wedding night will be like!)

(I’ve just woken up and noticed that there’s more pillows and duvets on the bed than when I went to sleep the night before.)

Me: “What’s this duvet doing here?”

Girlfriend: “You stole both the pillows and the duvet last night.”

Me: “So, why didn’t you steal them back?”

Girlfriend: “I tried, but you started growling at me. I decided it would be easier to just find new ones.”

(My boyfriend and I are on a big, romantic European vacation. It’s our first morning in Paris, and we want to get up early. The alarm has just gone off.)

Boyfriend: “Ugh…. Baby, get up and take the first shower.”

Me: “No! I always take the first shower, and let you sleep an extra 15 minutes. It’s not fair. You get up first.”

Boyfriend: “You’re wasting time! Get up!”

Me: “At least give me 30 seconds to wake up!”

Boyfriend: “NO!” *starts pushing me off the bed*

Me: “What are you doing!?”

Boyfriend: “Get. Up.” *fully pushes me off the bed*

Me: “Why would you do that? You’re so mean!”

Boyfriend: “Oh, my God! It’s like dealing with a two year old.”

Me: *sitting on the floor* “I really, really hate you right now.”

Boyfriend: “Stop being such a child.”

(I angrily shower and come back to the bedroom to find him sound asleep.)

Me: “Babe, your turn.”

Boyfriend: “Noooooooo.”

Me: “Who’s the child!?”

(We both end up giggling.)