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  • November Theme Of The Month: Crushes!

    Pimp My Joke

    | PA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend likes to tease me, and after a bad day, his joking is annoying yet cheering me up as we head to his office.)

    Me: *laughing* “You are such an insufferable d*** sometimes.”

    Boyfriend: “Yes, I know.”

    (He then gives me some dollars bills, which I use for the bus.)

    Boyfriend: “…At least you get paid for the privilege.”

    Me: “You know, it feels wrong to accept money for that. Like a weird kind of prostitution.”

    Boyfriend: “It’s called pester-tution.”

    Explosive New Name

    | USA | Advice, Engaged

    (My friend walks into work crying. She is the only woman in the office and the other guys run away.)

    Friend: “My fiancé, that meanie! He says I have to take his name. I don’t wanna! My initials are TTT. That’s T cubed, Triple T. I have monogrammed towels!”

    Me: “Well, the solution is simple; you hyphenate and he buys you new towels.”

    Friend: *squealing* “Oh, my god, it’s TNT! I gotta make a call!”

    (She comes back 10 minutes later singing “I’m TNT; I’m dynamite!”

    Coworker: “You created a monster…”

    (She sang the song at their wedding reception.)

    Thirty Years Of Good Advice

    | Ireland | Advice, Marriage & Partners

    (I work as a receptionist at a therapy centre. One of our physical therapists has a regular client who is an elderly man from near my hometown, so we hit it off from day one. I got married recently, so was away for two weeks. When I come back…)

    Client: “Well, how are you now?”

    Me: “I’m good, [Client], how are you?”

    Client: “Ah, not too bad now. How’s married life?”

    Me: *tired of this question but unable to get annoyed with him* “You know, it’s no different if I’m honest. Just, everyone asks that.”

    Client: “Ach, well, just remember: The first thirty years are the hardest.”

    (If I’m honest, that was probably the best marriage advice I got from anyone…)

    Gunning For Love

    | NY, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I work together. Our office is in a building surrounded by retail stores that are often the subject of protests. These protests usually involve a huge inflatable rat placed outside the store and the protesters constantly blowing a police whistle, and intimidating and shouting abuse at the store employees and customers while passing out fliers. The loud noise often makes it difficult to concentrate while working, even all the way up on the 10th floor where our office is. One of these protests is taking place across the street from my office window, and my husband and I are watching.)

    Husband: “Jeez. Why don’t the police stop this?”

    Me: “I’m sure they have a permit, and they have every right in the world to do what they’re doing.”

    (We continue watch the scene, and the inflatable rat swaying in the wind.)

    Husband: *thoughtfully* “You know what I wish I had right now?”

    Me: *without skipping a beat* “A BB gun.”

    (He doesn’t respond, and I look over at him to find he’s staring at me with a huge grin and an expression of pride on his face.)

    Husband: “That’s why I f****** love you.”

    In The Heat Of The Night

    | IL, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (Our old-fashioned waterbed heater shorts out in the ‘on’ position. Consequently, it starts burning the wood support. Luckily, my husband sees the smoke just as it is beginning, wakes me, and does everything necessary to extinguish the fire, safely remove the heater, and drain the water mattress. He also has to call into work to explain why he will be late. When he walks into work a few hours later, he is greeted with:)

    Coworkers: “Here’s [Husband]. The last of the red hot lovers.”

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