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    Split From Reality

    | Galveston, TX, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband is finishing his PhD, and I am applying to enter grad school. I’m discussing our future plans with my boss.)

    Me: “I’m also applying to a school in [City], because I have family there. That way if [Husband] and I split up it will be easier on me.”

    Boss: *looking horrified* “I didn’t think that something you should be planning for.”

    Me: *completely missing the point* “Well, it’ll suck, but we’ve done it before… Wait! No! Not SPLIT UP split up, just live apart for school. No, we’re not planning for THAT!”

    Feel-Good Language

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are talking on the phone about my plans to work out more and be healthier in general. He is a scientist, while I am a writer.)

    Boyfriend: “You know, exercising is proven to release feel good thingies in your head. It’s a fact.”

    Me: “By ‘feel good thingies in your head’, I assume you mean ‘endorphins in your brain’?”

    Boyfriend: “Well, I didn’t want to get all technical on you.”

    Me: “God forbid.”

    Time To Wake Up And Eat The Roses

    | Gresham, OR, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (We have two kids at the time and I want to get my wife something personal and handmade for Valentine’s Day. Edible arrangements are a new business at the time and I am impressed by their products. My wife works long shifts on the weekends, so I am home with the kids. We head to the store and I buy a bunch of fruit, some cookie cutters, sticks, foam for the base, etc., plus a new vase. Once home, I spend several hours making a fruit bouquet, then we left to bring it to my wife.)

    Wife: “Hi! What do you have there?”

    Me: “It’s our gift for you! Happy Valentine’s Day, honey. I love you! Everything in this is made from fruit and edible!”

    Wife: “Um. Thanks, but I started a new diet yesterday and I can’t eat fruit. Maybe my coworkers can eat it.”

    (After her shift she brought it home and nobody had eaten any. I gave it all to the kids!)

    Not Quite The Creamed Corn Of The Crop

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Dating

    Coworker: *on phone to her girlfriend* “Do you want soup?” *pause* “Creamed corn is not soup. It’s corn. With Cream.”

    Daisy’s Gone Crazy

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Dating

    (I’m at work, trying to entertain my boyfriend over Facebook chat while he is on a long road-trip.)

    Me: *typing out altered lyrics to the song Daisy Bell* “Baby, baby, tell me your answer do. I’m half crazy, all for the love of you. It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage…”

    Boyfriend: “Heh, cute.”

    Me: “But you’d look sweet, upon the seat of a bicycle made from the decaying flesh of mortals, as we ride our way through the underworld into the heart of Hell itself.”

    (I pause for effect.)

    Me: “…and then we BLOW IT UP!”

    Boyfriend: “Aww!”

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