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    Time To Wake Up And Eat The Roses

    | Gresham, OR, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (We have two kids at the time and I want to get my wife something personal and handmade for Valentine’s Day. Edible arrangements are a new business at the time and I am impressed by their products. My wife works long shifts on the weekends, so I am home with the kids. We head to the store and I buy a bunch of fruit, some cookie cutters, sticks, foam for the base, etc., plus a new vase. Once home, I spend several hours making a fruit bouquet, then we left to bring it to my wife.)

    Wife: “Hi! What do you have there?”

    Me: “It’s our gift for you! Happy Valentine’s Day, honey. I love you! Everything in this is made from fruit and edible!”

    Wife: “Um. Thanks, but I started a new diet yesterday and I can’t eat fruit. Maybe my coworkers can eat it.”

    (After her shift she brought it home and nobody had eaten any. I gave it all to the kids!)

    Not Quite The Creamed Corn Of The Crop

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Dating

    Coworker: *on phone to her girlfriend* “Do you want soup?” *pause* “Creamed corn is not soup. It’s corn. With Cream.”

    Daisy’s Gone Crazy

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Dating

    (I’m at work, trying to entertain my boyfriend over Facebook chat while he is on a long road-trip.)

    Me: *typing out altered lyrics to the song Daisy Bell* “Baby, baby, tell me your answer do. I’m half crazy, all for the love of you. It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage…”

    Boyfriend: “Heh, cute.”

    Me: “But you’d look sweet, upon the seat of a bicycle made from the decaying flesh of mortals, as we ride our way through the underworld into the heart of Hell itself.”

    (I pause for effect.)

    Me: “…and then we BLOW IT UP!”

    Boyfriend: “Aww!”

    Me, My Wife, And I

    | Boston, MA, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (I got married a few days ago, and had surgery about four days after. My new husband goes to my workplace to give them my doctor’s note saying I can’t come in. The following takes place between my husband and my manager.)

    Husband: “Hi, I’m [My Name]‘s wife… er…”

    Manager: “Husband?”

    Husband: “Yes, husband. I’m her husband. [My Name] is my wife…”

    Will Face A Storm When He Gets Home

    | The Netherlands | Dating

    (It’s morning, my boyfriend and I are at my home, getting ready for work.)

    Me: *looking at weather app on tablet* “Oooh! It’s going to be so hot out today!”

    Boyfriend: “Indeed it is!”

    (We drive to the company where we both work, with my folding bike in the back seat, so we can both go our ways at the end of the day, he by car and I by bike. An hour later…)

    Me: “Wow, this weather site announces huge rainfall and chance of thunderstorms in the afternoon! And I have no coat with me!”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah, I knew.”

    Me: “You knew, but didn’t tell me?”

    Boyfriend: “Uhm…”

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