(My boyfriend is catching the train to come see me so we can sign a lease for a house. He calls me.)

Boyfriend: “An issue has occurred.”

(Seeing he’s the one the real estate’s been calling, I assume it’s got something to do with the house.)

Me: *nervously* “Yes?”

Boyfriend: “I can only catch an express train to come see you.”

(I’m confused, as this is a good thing.)

Me: “…so?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, I just felt like opening the phone call with ‘an issue has occurred’. You know, to raise your heart rate to mild panic attack and then bring it back down comfortingly. That way, you will either associate panic or comfort with me.”

(I am silent.)

Boyfriend: “…I’m hoping for the comfort.”

Me: “This wasn’t a well thought out plan, was it?”

(My older brother is in the military, and is engaged to his childhood sweetheart. She’s a full-time nursing student and is struggling to juggle work, family, and schooling. Due to his service complications, he is unable to provide her any financial support until they’re officially married. They’ve decided to be married by a JOP (Justice Of The Peace) over the weekend, instead of a vintage ceremony after she graduates. Our families have driven over 10 hours to meet them. My brother has been on the phone for over five hours trying to find someone to marry them. All the JOP’s in the next five towns were off the whole weekend, and no preacher felt comfortable marrying them without at least six months of marriage counseling.)

Brother: “Dad! I’ve found someone willing! They’re in [town another five hours away], and we need to be there by 2pm tomorrow!”

Dad: “Are you serious? Five hours! You can’t make that.”

(My brother and his fiancée have to be back on his base by 5pm on Friday to put in the financial paper work. Otherwise, this was all for naught.)

Brother: “Yeah, sure we can! “

Me: “No, you can’t. The five hour drive back means you won’t make it by 5pm.”

Brother: “We’ll make it.”

(The next day, both families pack up and are halfway to the town, when my brother phones us.)

Brother: “Turn back! We told a secretary here out story, and she called in a personal favor! He’s the first JOP I asked! He’d said no, since he’s only part-time and will be working at his business today. He can marry us here at noon!”

Dad: “That’s great! Why didn’t he agree to do it before?”

Brother: “Well… he’s working at a funeral home today. They’re painting, so he’s in ripped clothes and he can’t leave. We have to perform the ceremony there. [Fiancée] doesn’t really like it, but we’re taking what we can get.”

(My brother and new sister-in-law were married in the chapel of a funeral home, with the other seven of us standing between empty caskets! We joke about the story they’ll tell their children, and how the ceremony was ‘really dead.’ Love persists!)

(For Christmas, I make my boyfriend, who is in college, three dozen cookies. Since he is going home for the holidays, I give them to him a week early. I’m calling him to wish him a safe trip home.)

Me: “So, how did you like your Christmas present?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, they were great! I ate them all that night!”

Me: “What?! You ate three dozen cookies by yourself in one sitting?”

Boyfriend: “Well, I didn’t eat all of them. I gave half a dozen to my roommate because he wanted some.”

Me: “That was nice of you.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I would’ve given him more but he was being an a**hole.”

Me: “How so?”

Boyfriend: “He wanted to know where I got them. I said you gave them to me for Christmas and he said, ‘Where’d she buy them?’ So I said, ‘She MADE them,’ and he said, ‘Oh, so you mean she bought one of those pouch things?’ I said, ‘No, she made them from scratch.’ He said, ‘There’s no way she made them! No one makes cookies from scratch any more, especially not young women!’ So, I told him that if he was going to be an a**, I was going to keep the rest of the cookies for myself. He insulted you by saying you couldn’t bake, so I had to eat all of them because he might have tried to steal some while I was sleeping.”

Me: “So, you ate them because he impugned my honor?”

Boyfriend: “Of course!”

(My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. While we’re on the phone, I mention a Captain America t-shirt I saw that I was thinking of buying for him.)

Boyfriend: “Why don’t you get me a Batman t-shirt instead?”

Me: “Well, because Marvel is way better than DC.”

Boyfriend: “No way! DC has the better superheroes.”

Me: “Well, I don’t think this is going to work out. I mean, if I’m Marvel and you’re DC, how will we raise the children?”

Boyfriend: “We’ll just wait until they’re old enough and they can choose for themselves!”

(My girlfriend and I are talking on the phone before bed and she is starting to fall asleep.)

Girlfriend: “I have to go to bed, I’m falling asleep.”

Me: “Okay, goodnight. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

Girlfriend: “Goodnight, talk to you in the morning.”

(She hangs up and I go back to watching TV. A few moments later my phone rings. It’s my girlfriend.)

Me: “Hello?”

Girlfriend: “Hey! What happened? Why did you hang up on me!”

Me: “You were falling asleep.”

Girlfriend: “No, I wasn’t! You just didn’t give me enough time to respond!”

Me: “You said goodnight, and that you’d talk to me in the morning.”

Girlfriend: “I did?”

Me: “Yeah!”

Girlfriend: “Oh! Goodnight!” *click*