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    This Relationship Died Before It Began

    , | Antwerp, Belgium | Flirting/How We Met

    (Upon leaving the restaurant, a passer-by stops me:)

    Him: “Are you single?”

    Me: *a bit cautious after earlier experiences* “Why?”

    Him: “I’m looking for someone like you to replace my recently deceased girlfriend.”

    Can’t Host That Request

    | Newport, RI, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (I work as a host at a popular restaurant. It’s my job to welcome and seat everyone that comes in and manage reservations, as evident by the massive reservation book on the host stand just inside the door. A man enters the restaurant alone one night. Usually when people come alone it means they’re headed to the bar.)

    Me: “Hello!”

    Man: “Hi there.”

    (He leans against the host stand.)

    Me: “How’re you doing tonight?”

    Man: “Not too bad, and yourself?”

    Me: “Pretty good, thanks.”

    (He continues to lean, smiling at me.)

    Me: “So, table for one, or are you on your way to the bar?”

    Man: “Table for one sounds pretty pathetic, doesn’t it? Wanna join me?”

    Me: “Thanks for the invite, but I’m on the clock for a few more hours.”

    (He stares at me blankly.)

    Me: “I’m working.”

    Man: “What do you do?”

    Me: “I’m the host.”

    (He stares, confused.)

    Me: “I welcome people and find them a place to sit.”

    Man: “What, here?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Man: “At this restaurant?”

    Me: “You got it.”

    Man: “OH!”

    Me: “So, table for one?”

    A Rush Of Blood On A First Date

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Dating

    (I am on a date with a soon-to-be boyfriend. This is one of the first times we have been out, but it still isn’t awkward since we’ve been friends for a while. For some reason, I am admiring the steak knives on the table. They seem unusually big and sharp for a place like this.)

    Me: “Wow, these steak knives are really big!”

    Him: “Nah, they’re totally normal sized knives!”

    Me: “Oh, come on! You could totally kill someone with this knife!”

    Him: *facial expression suddenly turns really creepy* “Oh, babe, you know I wouldn’t kill you with a knife. There would be way too much blood…”

    Food For Thought-less

    , | NSW, Australia | Dating

    (My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over three months. We’re on a late-night date at the fast food store where I work. I have ordered our food and am sitting down opposite the cafe area, where my best friend is working. Though it’s half-an hour till closing, a large group of guys walk in. The kitchen gets busy so I help out before returning to my girlfriend. They sit near us and are being loud and rude. They pay no attention to us until I kiss my girlfriend.)

    Customer: “Hey, lesbos! Take it somewhere else. We’re trying to f****** eat here!”

    (We ignore them, but two of his friends egg him on, with him throwing constant homophobic abuse at us, with two of his mates agreeing.)

    Me: “Can you keep it down? We’re trying to eat here.”

    Customer: “F***! Go suck a d**k, b****!”

    Best Friend: *yelling over the cafe counter* “Hey, leave her and her girlfriend alone or you’re going to have to leave!”

    (The three customers abusing us stop suddenly before heading over to the counter, where they proceed to attempt to intimidate and make a complaint with my very short female manager.)

    Customer: “They were abusing us! Spreading their lesbian-ness all over us while we’re trying to eat! Kick them out! We’re right!”

    Girlfriend: “Hey, d***-heads, the lesbian made your food.”

    (The men left angry and shocked, but not before the last man to leave apologies for his friends’ behavior. I later found out he rang up the store as well and apologised to my manager for their rudeness.)

    A Jerk Response

    | IA, USA | Dating

    (My girlfriend of a year-and-a-half just got back from vacation a day before, and I refused to see her because I had plans to propose to her the next day. She’s pretty pissed off at me, but I convince her to come out with me under the guise of taking my mother out for Mother’s Day. She walks into the restaurant to see me holding flowers.)

    Girlfriend: “Ooooh! They’re so pretty!”

    (She takes them from me, and I get down on one knee and pull out the ring.)

    Girlfriend: *surprised* “NO!”

    (I smile and look back up at her.)

    Girlfriend: “I mean, yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”

    (I put the ring on her finger and lean in to kiss her.)

    Girlfriend: “Is this the reason you wouldn’t see me yesterday when I got home?”

    Me: “Yes. Yes, it is.”

    Girlfriend: “What a jerk.”

    (Both our whole families were there, and my dad caught it on video camera. We’ve watched it a couple of times, and she still blushes when it comes to her having called me a jerk immediately after proposing!)


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