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    Not Being Straight With Each Other

    | UT, USA | Family/Kids, Flirting/How We Met, LGBTQ

    (I am a gay male but haven’t come out to my family yet. I am house sitting for my grandma while she is in a nursing home recovering from surgery. She has set up a blind date between me and a female nurse. I don’t want to upset her and am not ready to come out, so I go. We are having a great time, but toward the end of the night I start getting really uncomfortable because I don’t want to lead her on.)

    Me: “Hey, uh… I need to tell you something about me…”

    Date: “Yeah… I need to tell you something, too.”

    (She also seems really nervous about something, but I knew that if I didn’t go first I would never get it out.)

    Me: “I’m gay. I only came on this date for Nana.”

    (She starts laughing, and I am so embarrassed I get up to leave.)

    Date: “No, wait. I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing because I am a lesbian. That’s what I needed to tell you.”

    (We both had a laugh at the way Nana roped us into the date and have been close friends ever since!)

    Not Almost Romantic

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is not very romantic. One night we decide to go out and eat Chinese food. I manage to convince him to try eating with chopsticks, and after showing him how to use them I’m struggling to pick up a large piece of sesame chicken.)

    Boyfriend: “Here, let me get that.”

    (He reaches over, and just when I get my hopes up, he stabs the piece of chicken with a chopstick and holds it out to me. As I go to take a bite, he shoves the entire piece into my mouth, causing me to choke slightly and smear it all over my face.)

    Boyfriend: “Oops?”

    Me: *sighs* “You were this close. This close.”

    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 13

    | Albany, NY, USA | Dating

    (I’m having lunch by myself, when I overhear a conversation in the booth behind me. From their voices the couple sound like they were in their mid-twenties.)

    Girl: *unbelievably large belch* “Oh, yeah! Top THAT!”

    Guy: “That’s not fair. You chugged, like, a gallon of coke!”

    Girl: “Gotta do what you gotta do to win!”

    Guy: “Win what? Who’s more gross?”

    Girl: “And here I thought guys LIKED girls who weren’t prissy!”

    Guy: “There’s a difference between ‘not prissy’ and ‘that’s disgusting.’ It’s somewhere between ‘brush your teeth’ and ‘use more mouthwash,’ ‘cause you smell like old bacon.”

    (To say the least, I didn’t want bacon for a few days after hearing that.)

    Related:
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 12
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 11
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 10
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 9
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 8
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 7
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 6
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 5
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 4
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 3
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 2
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility

    The Aged Of Innocence

    | MN, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners, Themed Giveaway, Top

    (I am nine months pregnant with my third son, and am sitting down at a Chinese restaurant. I have soup and a plate of stir-fried vegetables. Across the aisle from me is an elderly couple.)

    Older Man: “Look at that girl. What a cow. Look at her, honey. Just stuffin’ her face full.”

    (The older woman glances over, then looks down at her own plate.)

    Older Man: “See what I mean? Someone should just take the plate away and make her walk everywhere. No one wants a woman that big. Poor thing will be single for her life at this rate.”

    (The older woman sits silently and eats. By this point, I can feel tears starting, and now I don’t want to eat. But just as I think about waddling away, and thanks to what I hope are hormonal mood swings, I get angry. So I stand up and waddle over to his table.)

    Me: “Yeah, real nice. See this?” *I rub my pregnant belly* “It isn’t made of food. It’s a baby. My third, actually, and I’ve been happily married for a few years as well. Anything else horrible you’d like to say about a pregnant woman you don’t know? Maybe remark on my horrible complexion, or that I can’t tie my own shoes?”

    (The old man shakes his head and looks deflated. The older woman is suddenly angry.)

    Older Woman: “See, this is why I hate eating with you! Why do you got to be that old grumpy a** who keeps doing this? Apologize to her now! Poor thing!”

    Older Man: “I’m sorry. It was rude of me.”

    Me: “It definitely was. I’ll be leaving now.”

    Older Woman: “You’re such an a**! You are so lucky I said ‘yes’ 33 years ago, or someone would have killed you by now!”

    A Soft Spot For This One

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I have only been dating a few months.)

    Boyfriend: “You know what I like best about your face?”

    Me: “What?”

    Boyfriend: “There’s this little spot right here, where the skin’s different from where it is everywhere else and it’s perfectly round. I think it’s adorable.”

    Me: “…and now I know you’re a keeper.”

    Boyfriend: “What? Why?”

    Me: “That’s the scar of the biggest zit I ever had.”

    (I think I’ll hang on to this one.)


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