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  • Your Old Days Are Numbered

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | Dating

    (We’ve been together for about two years and have never had the ‘numbers talk.’ I knew his number was high and didn’t care. He’d told me he didn’t care what mine was but didn’t want to know.)

    Me: “Okay, what’s your number?”

    Boyfriend: *pauses and gives me a puzzled face* “I honestly don’t know.”

    Me: “Come on! Ballpark. 20-100? 100-500?”

    Boyfriend: *looking frustrated* “I don’t know! Somewhere between 10 and 10,000!”

    Me: *sigh* “I guess I’ll take that.”

    (Two minute pause.)

    Me: “Just in case you’ve ever wondered, my number isn’t even in that range.” *meaning less than 10*

    (He responds without missing a beat.)

    Boyfriend: “You slut!” *stands up abruptly and strides away*

    Me: *speechless*

    (He was just looking for a dramatic departure while he refilled his soda. We’ve been together six years now and I still affectionately refer to him as my Mr. 10,001.)

    A Fine Set Of (Double) Standards

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend has often expressed his theory that when a woman says “It’s fine,” you know that it most definitely is NOT fine.)

    Me: “So, I want to have a joint birthday party with [Friend] but I have to wait until he gets home from his job in [Other Country]. Which means the first Saturday we can do it is your birthday.”

    Boyfriend: “You’re going to have a party, on my birthday, for other people’s birthdays?”

    Me: “Well, I was gonna say that it could be for you, too…”

    Boyfriend: “It would be all your friends, though.”

    Me: “So invite your friends, too.”

    Boyfriend: “But…”

    Me: “Look, do you want me to do it a different day? I can just do it a different day.”

    Boyfriend: *looking away* “No, it’s fine…”

    Me: “Did you just give me the girl ‘It’s fine’?”

    Boyfriend: “Oh, s***… I did, didn’t I?”

    He Is Soda-pressing

    | Jackson, TN, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are getting fast food. This conversation happened in front of the soda machine.)

    Me: “Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll pour myself some soda and pretend that the fizzy sound is applause. So even if the world is against me I still have bubbles on my side.”

    Boyfriend: “But even the bubbles eventually fizz out, and you’re left with no one again.”

    Me: “I think that’s the part where you’re supposed to say, ‘I’ll always be by your side, babe.’”

    Boyfriend: “I can’t make that promise. Of the two of us, I’m most likely to die first, so you’ll only have your artificial and imaginary applause to keep you company after that.”

    Me: “But by then I’ll have our kids though, right?”

    Boyfriend: “Who will have all grown up and have lives of their own to deal with. I sure hope the future has lots of soda for you.”

    Me: “Gee, thanks, a**-hole.”

    (We broke up not long after that. He was just too pessimistic for me to handle.)

    Hooked On Class

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are going to Las Vegas on vacation the following week. Because of this we end up discussing prostitutes, and this prompts a theoretical question.)

    Me: “Do you think I would make money as a hooker?”

    Boyfriend: “Maybe in [sketchy neighborhood in the city].”

    Me: *indignant* “Really? So, no one would pay for me in a nice part of town? Are you saying I’m not high class or something?”

    Boyfriend: “Okay, okay. I take it back; you would make money as a hooker anywhere you set your mind to.”

    Me: *pats his hand* “That’s better, thank you.”

    Boyfriend: “We’re the only couple I know who would get into an argument because I doubted your potential as a prostitute.”

    There Is No On Switch

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Flirting/How We Met, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m working at a diner as a waitress. I am waiting on an arrogant douchebag, which is business as usual. After fending off typical lame flirting he asks…)

    Him: “So… what time do you get off?”

    Me: “Sir, when it comes to me and you, neither of us will be getting off.”


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