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    Isn’t Sole’d On The Conclusion

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Dating

    (My girlfriend regularly talks to her coworkers about me and what I do. 75 percent of the time it’s about the good things I do. The rest is about all the bad jokes I constantly make. While we’re out for dinner with friends, the topic of our relationship has come up.)

    Girlfriend: “I was talking about you at work.”

    Me: “Good things, I hope.”

    Girlfriend: “My coworker thinks we’re soul mates.”

    Me: *without missing a beat* “But, my feet are bigger.”

    (My girlfriend looks at me confused for a moment while one of our friends busts a gut laughing. She catches on quickly and just rolls her eyes.)

    Me: “Tell her that one and see if she still thinks we’re soul mates.”

    Girlfriend: “Sadly, she probably will.”

    Serving Up A Hot Slice Of Justice

    | Elko, NV, USA | Dating, Fights/Breakups, Top

    (I wait on a couple in their 20s.)

    Man: “Hi, can I get a [drink] and [meat product]? She’s going to have a [child-sized portion of meal]. Isn’t that right, honey?”

    (I see the woman look at him, startled. She then looks over at me, slightly scared. She begins stammering.)

    Woman: “Yes.”

    Man: “Okay, one, don’t stammer. You sound like a f****** kid. Two, you’re eating this because fat chicks are useless.”

    (The woman looks like a size 8 or 9.)

    Me: “I’ll… get those.”

    (Later, I bring the food over. The woman is shyly looking down on her lap, trying to avoid conversation. The man keeps trying to make her look up. I even see her get slapped under the table. She jerks her head up.)

    Woman: “Yes?”

    Man: “Well, don’t you think my last girlfriend was a [lesbian slur]? I mean…” *scoffs*She left me.”

    Me: “Right, sir. Can you please leave the premises?”

    Man: “You can’t tell me what to do. You’re a woman for God’s sake!”

    Me: “I am a waitress and you are a rude customer. Not that it should make a difference, but I will get my male manager and ask you to leave.”

    Woman: “No, er, it’s fine. He’s… right.”

    Me: “You don’t have to, miss.”

    Man: *to me* “So, what can I do to you to stop you blabbing?”

    (The man gets up and has his hands in fists. The woman is looking very worried. I put the food down and call my manager. The man is now over me, breathing heavily. The manager comes up.)

    Manager: “SIR! PLEASE LEAVE THE ESTABLISHMENT AND STOP HARASSING MY CUSTOMERS!”

    Man: “Come on [Woman's Name], we’re leaving.”

    (The woman decides she has also had enough, and courageously stands up to him.)

    Woman: “No! Now I think you’ve shown the outside world how violent you are! You were the one that force me to date you. You were the one who killed our dog just because I spilled the kettle. You were the one who told me to get a hysterectomy when you know I’ve wanted kids. You can push off and leave me alone.”

    Man: “You think, b****?”

    Manager: “I’m calling the police.”

    (The man was arrested and it turns out, he has a severe history of violence. I really feel for that woman. But a few months ago she came back in the restaurant with a man and a little girl, so I think she’s going to be better.)

    Of Corset It’s Not What You Think

    | Norwich, England, UK | Dating, Themed Giveaway

    (My boyfriend and I are out at a restaurant and bar for our six-month anniversary. I am feeling a little nauseous, and my boyfriend offers to help me out of my corset, which I am wearing under my dress. We explain things to the bartender, and go into the single cubicle unisex toilet. After removing the corset, we exit the toilet together, him holding the item of underwear. A surprised-looking gentleman is on the other side of the door.)

    Me: “It’s not what it looks like.”

    (Once we are sitting back down at the table, I start laughing.)

    Boyfriend: “What is it?”

    Me: “I’ve always wanted to say that!”

    Love’s End-Zone

    | Hattiesburg, MS, USA | Engaged

    (I am eating dinner with a few coworkers. I am talking about my fiancé.)

    Me: “We were actually friends for a few years before we started dating. I kinda friend-zoned him for a long time.”

    Coworker: “Wow.”

    Me: “What?”

    Coworker: “Your fiancé and Ron Weasley are the only two people I know who have ever made it out of the friend-zone.”

    Pick Up Lines Stripped Back

    , | Antwerp, Belgium | Flirting/How We Met

    (A guy asks if he can sit at my table and starts some chit-chat, clearly building up to something.)

    Guy: “Uh, are you, uh, discrete?”

    Me: “I guess.”

    Guy: “Well, uh, promise you won’t laugh?”

    (I stare at him in wonder.)

    Guy: “Well uh, I would like to do a striptease for you.”

    (He is obviously serious, so I don’t ask if I shouldn’t laugh now or when doing it. After a refusal from my side and some awkward conversation, he gets up to leave.)

    Guy: “I would like to have a serious relationship someday.”

    Me: “Then I highly recommend using another pickup line!”


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