(At my restaurant we make Rice Krispie bars and cut them into wedges. At the end of the day, we have to throw them out because they get hard and stale. If there are a bunch left close to closing time, we usually just give a few to whoever is left in the restaurant. I approach some college-aged guys.)

Me: “Hey guys! We’re required to throw these out tonight, but they’re still good if you’d like one.”

Customer #1: “Are you serious?! These are my favorite things here! Oh man, I could just make out with you right now!”

(He takes the Rice Krispie, and stares at me like I’ve told him he’s won the lottery.)

Me: “Uh… um….”

Customer #2: “Dude, no!”

(He grabs his friend and pulls him towards the door.)

Customer #1: “LET IT BE KNOWN ON THIS DAY, I HAVE FALLEN FOR THE RICE KRISPIE GODDESS! I’LL BE BACK FOR YOOOOUUUUUUU—”

(He is cut off as his friends drag him out the door.)

(I work in a Thai restaurant, handling the phones for takeout orders. I get a fairly large order, and am reading it back to the customer to ensure accuracy.)

Me: “…and a mild pad-thai, correct?”

Customer: “Yes, but could you make sure that the mild pad-thai doesn’t have peanuts on it?”

Me: “Of course. Did you want me to modify anything else?”

Customer: “The dumplings don’t have peanuts, right?”

Me: “No, but the satay comes with peanut sauce. Are you asking because of an allergy?”

Customer: “My girlfriend’s allergic to peanuts, but I think she’s just making it up.”

Me: “Um, I can tell them not to put peanuts in your meals, but there are peanut products all over our kitchen. I can’t guarantee that there won’t be any cross contamination.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’m pretty sure she’s faking it.”

Me: “With all due respect, I’d suggest that you get your girlfriend dinner from another restaurant. Peanut allergies are very serious, and can result in death.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I really want Pad Thai. She’ll be fine.”

(A few minutes later I get another call; this time from the girlfriend.)

Girlfriend: “Hi, I’m sorry to bother you. My boyfriend just placed an order for delivery, and I wanted to make sure that they know not to put peanuts in my meal.”

Me: “I remember your order. This is an allergy issue, right?”

Girlfriend: “Yes. It’s really bad.”

Me: “As I told your boyfriend, I can tell them not to put peanuts in your meal, but I can’t guarantee that there won’t be cross contamination. Peanut products are a huge part of Thai cuisine. Would you like me to change your order to remove your portion of the meal?”

Girlfriend: “What an ass-h***. He’d really risk my life just so he could get some Pad Thai?”

Me: “Well, our Pad Thai is pretty fantastic.”

Girlfriend: “To die for?”

Me: “Well, I wouldn’t go that far. I’ll just go ahead and cancel the order.”

Girlfriend: “No, send the whole thing, I just won’t be here by the time it gets here. I’m breaking up with him.”

(A few days later, I come into work and there’s an Amex Gift Card with a note from the girlfriend.)

Girlfriend’s Note: “To the girl that made me realize what an ass-h*** my boyfriend was: go buy yourself a few drinks on me.”

(My boyfriend and I have just finished our sandwiches. He is playing with one of the toothpicks that have been used to hold our sandwiches together when it breaks and stabs him in the pad of his thumb.)

Me: “Oh, no! Are you okay?”

Boyfriend: “Ow. I’m fine.”

(He pulls the piece of toothpick out of his thumb.)

Me: “I’m pretty sure that’s why you’re not supposed to play with your toothpicks.”

Boyfriend: “I have played with hundreds of toothpicks, and this has never happened.”

(I take his thumb and kiss the pad. After I release his hand, he starts to reach for the chips on my plate.)

Me: “You shouldn’t try to pick up those chips with that thumb.”

Boyfriend: “Oh? Because of the pepper?”

Me: “That, and the salt. Those spices will get on your cut, and it’ll really hurt.”

(My boyfriend humors me, and picks up a couple of chips using his index and middle fingers. Then he forgets, and switches to using his thumb.)

Me: “THUMB!”

Boyfriend: “You do realize that this is the evolutionary advantage that allows me to pick up potato chips.”

(I reach across the table and grab his other wrist.)

Me: “That’s why you have two of them! Use the uninjured one!”

Boyfriend: “Oh yeah… I forgot about that.”

(He starts eating the chips using his uninjured hand. Several seconds pass in silence.)

Boyfriend: “Honey, I really had forgotten about that other hand…”

(I’m meeting my boyfriend, his identical twin, and a group of our friends out for dinner. When I arrive, there is only one seat left, next to one of the twins. It’s extremely hard to tell the twins apart. I go to pull out my seat when the twin sitting next to me stands to pull it out for me.)

Twin: “Here you go.”

Me: “Okay, I might be special but I’m not that special. My boyfriend couldn’t even save me a seat, and I have to sit next to his brother?”

(Everyone looks at me like I’m crazy as I stare at my boyfriend who is sitting across the table from where I am going to sit. After a second the twins switch spots and my boyfriend places a kiss on my cheek when we take our seats.)

Friend #1: “How did you know it was [brother], not [boyfriend]?”

Friend #2: “Yeah, I was calling them the wrong names until you got here.”

Friend #3: “How did you do that?”

Me: “Because [boyfriend] wouldn’t pull out my chair for me. He’s too big of an a**hole.”

(My boyfriend and I were supposed to do something this night but I had to cancel due to another dinner. I am at the restaurant with my guest, where I see my boyfriend approaching me, looking mad.)

Boyfriend: “So this is why you couldn’t do dinner tonight you’re cheating on me?”

Me: “No, I’m here with…”

Boyfriend: *cutting me off* “Don’t lie to me. I’m not an idiot! How could you cheat on me? You just want in his pants don’t you? Am I not fulfilling enough for you?”

(He’s yelling at this point, and everyone in the restaurant is staring.)

Me: *blushing* “Please stop and let me explain, you don’t need to be so loud.”

Boyfriend: “I don’t need to be so loud? You’re cheating on me for heavens sake and you want me to be quiet?”

Me: “This is my older brother from out of town. Remember I told you he’d be in town this week?”

Brother: “Nice to meet you.”

(Let’s just say my boyfriend apologized about 100 times for that. But on the bright side on of the waitresses felt so bad she gave us free drinks!)