• A Lying Formula
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    A Shapely Comeback

    | Wilsonville, OR, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (I’m having lunch with my husband and I’m feeling depressed and self-conscious about how I look.)

    Me: Sorry I’m so fat and out of shape.

    Husband: *while looking at the menu* “Yeah. Me, too.”

    (He meant that he was sorry he was out of shape, too, but wasn’t paying attention to the wording.)

    Husband: *as his face goes pale* “No! That’s not what I meant! I meant I’m out of shape! God!”

    (I died laughing. Luckily I knew what he meant as soon as he said it, but he still felt bad.)

    The Bar Was Set Before The Marriage

    | Denver, CO, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (It’s my bachelorette party and my bridesmaids and I are enjoying a nice meal at an Irish tavern downtown. My soon-to-be husband and his groomsmen are off doing their thing. We’ve had no communication all day. As we’re sitting there, one of my bridesmaids’ husband strolls in. Said bridesmaid gets up to talk to him.)

    Me: “What is he doing here?”

    Bridesmaid: *laughing* “He says the guys are outside.”

    Me: *laughing as well* “Really?”

    Bridesmaid’s Husband: “Should I tell them to go somewhere else?”

    Me: *half joking* “We were here first…”

    Bridesmaid’s Husband: “Okay, then.”

    (He left and the guys went to a different bar in town. At our wedding reception, my brother-in-law, who was the best man, told this story. Just goes to show how much my husband and I have in common!)

    It’s ‘Like’ Marriage

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I love the food at a local Thai restaurant, so we frequently walk there to get lunch on the weekends. This happens when we get the check:)

    Waitress: “Here’s your check! I notice you guys here all the time and you’re always laughing together. You guys must be really good friends!”

    Me: “Oh, we’re more than friends. We’re married!”

    (We flash our wedding bands at her.)

    Waitress: “Oh… oh! Wow, I had no idea. You guys don’t act like ANY married couple I’ve ever seen here; you actually seem to like each other!”

    Me: “Well… uh… thanks?”

    (The waitress walked away shaking her head, mystified by the fact that two married people could actually like each other.)

    Movies And Icebergs And A New Hope, Oh My

    | Westchester, NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are discussing movies.)

    Me: “[Boyfriend], I feel like I have to tell you something. But I know that if I tell you, it’s probably over between us.”

    Boyfriend: “It’s okay. You can tell me anything and we’ll get through it.”

    Me: “Okay. Well…I’ve never seen The Wizard of Oz.”

    Boyfriend: “…”

    Me: “Or Titanic.”

    Boyfriend: “Eh…”

    Me: “Or Star Wars.”

    Boyfriend: “Okay, it’s over.”

    Can’t Defy The Octopi

    | USA | Dating, Exes/Old Flames, Top

    (My ex-girlfriend and I are still really good friends. My current girlfriend and I are going on a double date with her and the guy she’s seeing. My ex loves cephalopods, specifically the octopus, and has a plush one on her keys. My current girlfriend sees it when she’s putting her ID away after we order our drinks.)

    Girlfriend: “What’s that purple thing?”

    Ex: “An octopus.”

    Girlfriend: “Oh.” *pauses* “Why is there an octopus on your keys?”

    Ex: “I think a better question is why ISN’T there an octopus on YOUR keys?”

    (Everybody except my current girlfriend laughs, who just gives my ex a dirty look. As we’re leaving, she sees there is also a small, bright blue glass octopus hanging from the rear view mirror of her car.)

    Girlfriend: *nasty tone* “Geez, what is it with you and those stupid things?”

    Ex: *looking at the key ring, and the one in her car* “I happen to like them. Besides, there’s only a few of them.” *glances at my girlfriend’s car – the dashboard of which is covered in stuffed animals*

    Girlfriend: *shrill tone* “It’s normal for girls to like stuffed animals! Those things are slimy!”

    Ex: “First of all, I’m a woman. Not a girl. As in adult human female. Second, there’s nothing wrong with having several stuffed animals in your car either. I just find it odd that you have a problem with two small cephalopods when the interior of your car looks like one of those claw machines.”

    (She and I ended up getting back together a few months later, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why I ever let her go.)

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