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    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 13

    | Albany, NY, USA | Dating

    (I’m having lunch by myself, when I overhear a conversation in the booth behind me. From their voices the couple sound like they were in their mid-twenties.)

    Girl: *unbelievably large belch* “Oh, yeah! Top THAT!”

    Guy: “That’s not fair. You chugged, like, a gallon of coke!”

    Girl: “Gotta do what you gotta do to win!”

    Guy: “Win what? Who’s more gross?”

    Girl: “And here I thought guys LIKED girls who weren’t prissy!”

    Guy: “There’s a difference between ‘not prissy’ and ‘that’s disgusting.’ It’s somewhere between ‘brush your teeth’ and ‘use more mouthwash,’ ‘cause you smell like old bacon.”

    (To say the least, I didn’t want bacon for a few days after hearing that.)

    Related:
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 12
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 11
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 10
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 9
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 8
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 7
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 6
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 5
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 4
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 3
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 2
    With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility

    The Aged Of Innocence

    | MN, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am nine months pregnant with my third son, and am sitting down at a Chinese restaurant. I have soup and a plate of stir-fried vegetables. Across the aisle from me is an elderly couple.)

    Older Man: “Look at that girl. What a cow. Look at her, honey. Just stuffin’ her face full.”

    (The older woman glances over, then looks down at her own plate.)

    Older Man: “See what I mean? Someone should just take the plate away and make her walk everywhere. No one wants a woman that big. Poor thing will be single for her life at this rate.”

    (The older woman sits silently and eats. By this point, I can feel tears starting, and now I don’t want to eat. But just as I think about waddling away, and thanks to what I hope are hormonal mood swings, I get angry. So I stand up and waddle over to his table.)

    Me: “Yeah, real nice. See this?” *I rub my pregnant belly* “It isn’t made of food. It’s a baby. My third, actually, and I’ve been happily married for a few years as well. Anything else horrible you’d like to say about a pregnant woman you don’t know? Maybe remark on my horrible complexion, or that I can’t tie my own shoes?”

    (The old man shakes his head and looks deflated. The older woman is suddenly angry.)

    Older Woman: “See, this is why I hate eating with you! Why do you got to be that old grumpy a** who keeps doing this? Apologize to her now! Poor thing!”

    Older Man: “I’m sorry. It was rude of me.”

    Me: “It definitely was. I’ll be leaving now.”

    Older Woman: “You’re such an a**! You are so lucky I said ‘yes’ 33 years ago, or someone would have killed you by now!”

    A Soft Spot For This One

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I have only been dating a few months.)

    Boyfriend: “You know what I like best about your face?”

    Me: “What?”

    Boyfriend: “There’s this little spot right here, where the skin’s different from where it is everywhere else and it’s perfectly round. I think it’s adorable.”

    Me: “…and now I know you’re a keeper.”

    Boyfriend: “What? Why?”

    Me: “That’s the scar of the biggest zit I ever had.”

    (I think I’ll hang on to this one.)

    Choosing A Partner Should Be A Natural Selection

    | Munich, Germany | Dating, Theme Of The Month

    (My boyfriend and I are eating at a restaurant. I’m just coming back from the bathroom. I’m 23, but people often think I’m underage.)

    Boyfriend: “You looked very grown up and serious the way you walked over here right now.”

    Me: “I became an adult? Finally!”

    Boyfriend: “What, no! I don’t want that. B! Press B! Abort evolution!”

    Isn’t Sole’d On The Conclusion

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Dating

    (My girlfriend regularly talks to her coworkers about me and what I do. 75 percent of the time it’s about the good things I do. The rest is about all the bad jokes I constantly make. While we’re out for dinner with friends, the topic of our relationship has come up.)

    Girlfriend: “I was talking about you at work.”

    Me: “Good things, I hope.”

    Girlfriend: “My coworker thinks we’re soul mates.”

    Me: *without missing a beat* “But, my feet are bigger.”

    (My girlfriend looks at me confused for a moment while one of our friends busts a gut laughing. She catches on quickly and just rolls her eyes.)

    Me: “Tell her that one and see if she still thinks we’re soul mates.”

    Girlfriend: “Sadly, she probably will.”


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