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  • Facing The Romance
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  • Socially Unacceptable

    | Henrietta, NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are out to dinner. He’s telling me a story about a call he went on while he was working as an EMT, earlier in the day.)

    Boyfriend: “I went on a call for a little old man. He seemed really excited to see us and really chatted us up while we were there. His wife died a couple years ago and he seemed totally lost and lonely without her, like he didn’t know what to do. She was his whole life.”

    (I think this is sad but sweet and expect my boyfriend to go into a ‘You’re my whole life’ speech. Instead…)

    Boyfriend: “…that’s why I want us to have full social lives outside of each other when we’re married. You know, friends and hobbies and stuff. If you die first, I don’t want to be lost and lonely all the time.”

    Me: *shocked* “Well, I hope you’d be too devastated to worry about your social life.”

    Boyfriend: *covering* “Oh, of course! But, you know, after a couple years, I wouldn’t still want to be at my house alone all the time.” *realizing he’s not winning any points* “Well, I’d hope the same thing for you! If I died first I wouldn’t want you to be bored all the time.”

    (I couldn’t get him to understand why I didn’t think that was a romantic sentiment! This past year I married the love of my life — which was not him. My husband has assured me he’d be totally and utterly devastated if I died and would not be concerned about his social life. He still randomly brings this story up in disbelief and gets mad at my ex for me!)

    Lets Get Engaged, Whatever

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Dating, Engaged

    (I’ve admittedly become a bit engagement crazed, and talking to my boyfriend about it.)

    Me: “Wouldn’t it be great if at Christmas we could announce that we’re engaged?”

    Boyfriend: “Could be Christmas. Could be sooner.”

    Me: “Wait. What?!”

    Boyfriend: “Or next year. Whenever.”

    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 32

    | Lancaster, England, UK | Dating

    (My boyfriend of six years has spontaneously taken me out for a midweek romantic meal to our favourite restaurant. I decide to ask him the zombie question.)

    Me: “So, listen. If there was a zombie apocalypse and I got bitten, what would you do?”

    Boyfriend: *without even pausing for thought* “Honey, I would shoot the s*** out of you.”

    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 31
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 30
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 29
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 28
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 27
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 26
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 25

    As Long As You Don’t Drag Earth And Wind Into This

    | ON, Canada | Engaged

    (My fiancée and I are having dinner and discussing the fact that I don’t like getting my engagement ring wet.)

    Me: “I just don’t like putting it in water. I take it off to wash my hands and shower and stuff.”

    Fiancée: “Oh, I see how it is. You’re just cheating on me with the water. You love it that much do you?” *fakes offence*

    Me: “Oh, baby, yeah. I just can’t resist how wet it gets me.” *looks him directly in the eye as I take a deliberate sip of water from my glass*

    Fiancée: *gasps* “Now you’re doing it right in front of me!”

    Me: “Oh, like you are one to talk. You cheat on me with fire all the time!”

    Fiancée: “No, I don’t. I just like looking. She’s so hot.”

    Me: “Mm-hmm, is that why I catch you touching her all the time?”

    Fiancée: “I’m just stoking her a little bit. It means nothing, I swear!”

    (There’s a long pause where we stare at each other before bursting out laughing.)

    Me: “The people in this restaurant must think we are nuts!”

    The Heights Of Brutal Honesty

    | San Mateo, CA, USA | Friends With Benefits

    (I’m out to dinner with a guy I’m sleeping with, but not dating. I’m talking about setting him up with one of my friends. Note: I’m 5’0”.)

    Me: “She’s really nice and is starting a PhD program this year!”

    Him: “How tall is she?”

    Me: “5’6”… Why? Is height a requirement?”

    Him: “Well… No… but I’m more attracted to women around a certain height.”

    Me: “What height is that?”

    Him: “Around 5’9” or so.”

    (I gave him a very pointed look. He bought me dinner.)

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