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    Fountain Of Uncouth

    | TX, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (I am working at a fireworks stand. By Texas law, shoppers are not allowed to handle the fireworks before they purchase them, so a staff member is assigned to help customers at each area of the store. Currently, I am stationed near a type of fireworks called ‘fountains’. Because most customers are unfamiliar with fountains I call out to them as they pass. I am a sixteen-year-old girl.)

    Me: *to a middle-aged man* “Sir? Can I interest you in some fountains?”

    Customer: “Honey, the only fountain I’m interested in is the one you’re running through naked.”

    Rebound Your Enthusiasm

    | Galveston, TX, USA | Advice, Fights/Breakups

    (I’m at work when I overhear a couple of teenage girls talking.)

    Girl #1: “Totally nailed it. [Boy]‘s girlfriend just dumped him.”

    (Girl #2 pumps her fist in the air.)

    Girl #2: “Yes! I mean… that’s terrible. I wonder if I can get him on the rebound?”

    His Secret Is Bigger Than Victoria’s

    | NY, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I mutually decided to wait until after our wedding to be intimate. My fiancé had no experience in that department of any kind, so as a treat we went shopping together the week before our wedding so he could pick out a pair of lingerie for me.)

    Me: *pointing to a pretty silky bra* “Ooh, look at that one! It’s so soft. I’d be petting myself the whole time I was wearing it.”

    Fiancé: “Very pretty! I’d be petting myself, too!”

    Me: *valiantly trying not to laugh, knowing he meant to say something else*

    Fiancé: “What?”

    Me: *repeats what he said*

    (It took him a couple minutes to stop laughing at himself and tell me he meant to say ‘I’d be petting you, too.’)

    Made A Huge Mistake

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I often make fake non-nonsensical insults back and forth to one another. He says ‘I want a Popsicle’ I say ‘YOU’RE a Popsicle!’ This will progress to ‘Your FACE is a Popsicle’ to ‘Your MOM’s face is a Popsicle’ etc. We are out shopping.)

    Boyfriend: “I swear this store looks closer than it did before.”

    Me: “Well, they did open up this area here with some construction. It looks huge.”

    Boyfriend: *in joking tone* “YOU’RE huge!”


    Boyfriend: *in horrified tone* “Oh, my god… What did I just say?!”

    Me: *cracks up laughing*

    Doing It Mexican Style

    | Bloomington, IN, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I decided to stop mid-intercourse to race across town before the local adult store closed, because we discovered that the toy we wanted to use had mysteriously melted in the box under our bed. He also occasionally forgets how in-sync we are.)

    Me: *toy in hand* “We made it in time!”

    Husband: *starts car and looks at me funny*

    Me: “Don’t tell me you don’t want to anymore?”

    Husband: “No, I do, a lot. I was just wondering if we could stop at Taco Bell on the way home?”

    Me: “Oh, my God! I can get a freeze!”

    (He won’t doubt my commitment to sex or Taco Bell for awhile.)

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