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  • November Theme Of The Month: Crushes!

    Renovating Their Bedroom (Habits)

    , | Burnaby, BC, Canada | Flirting/How We Met

    (I am the only female employee (but also the most knowledgeable) in the tool department. Over the past two weeks a middle aged couple has come in several times for help with a home improvement project. After our first interaction they were so impressed with me they would seek me out, ignoring other associates altogether. This was the third time I have seen them this week and they have waited patiently for 10 minutes while I finish up with another customer.)

    Me: “Hi! How are you two today? How’s the bathroom reno going?”

    Female Customer: “Oh, just great, thanks to you! We would be so behind if we hadn’t had your help!”

    Male Customer: “That’s right; you’re such a sweet girl. We wanted to ask you one last thing.”

    Me: “Okay. Do you need a recommendation for a plumber like we talked about?”

    (They look at each other and smile.)

    Female Customer: “Actually, it’s been so nice getting to know you we were wondering if you would be interested in joining us in the bedroom.”

    Me: *sure I misunderstood the request* “Um, you mean you’d like to make some improvements to your bedroom next?”

    Male Customer: *laughs* “No, dear. We’d like to have a threesome with you. Or a foursome if your partner would like to join us, as well.”

    (I stand there in complete stunned silence for a moment.)

    Female Customer: *to her husband* “I told you this was a bad idea. We’ve scared her half to death.” *to me* “I’m so sorry, dear. I hope this doesn’t change the way you see us. It’s just so difficult to find people you get along with and trust!”

    (At that point I just walked away, unable to think of any kind of response to such an inappropriate request. They left right away and I never saw them again, thank the stars!)

    Pimp My Joke, Part 2

    | PA, USA | Dating

    (We are at a store, and the cashier forgets to ring up a bag of cookies.)

    Me: “I’ll pay for it.”

    Boyfriend: “No, I have cash.”

    (He pulls out a ten dollar bill and gives it to the cashier.)

    Me: “Can I have any dollar bills from that for the bus?”

    Boyfriend: “You can have all of the change.”

    (He hands me a five dollar bill and a one dollar bill.)

    Me: “Awww, thanks!”

    (A pause.)

    Boyfriend: *running out the door* “I have to pay you somehow!”

    (The cashier looks at me with a very amused and bewildered look.)

    Me: “…I’m going to kill him when we get home.”

    Pimp My Joke

    A Perfect Motherly Storm

    | Southampton, NY, USA | Family/Kids, Flirting/How We Met

    (I work at a popular home decor shop. An older woman comes in, and I make my way to greet her. It’s a sweltering day outside.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, welcome!”

    Customer: “It’s hardly good out. It’s boiling outside!”

    Me: “I know; it’s miserable. I hate the hot weather.”

    (The woman looks shocked and thrilled. She starts eyeing me up and down, appraisingly.)

    Customer: “You do?”

    Me: “Yup. I’m more of a winter girl. I love the snow.”

    (At this point, the woman’s eyes grow huge and round, and she starts to bounce up and down a little.)

    Customer: “Are you married?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Are. You. Married?”

    Me: “Um, no, but I do live with my boyfriend.”

    Customer: “Perfect! You should meet my son!”

    Me: “I’m flattered, but like I said, I live with my boy—”

    Customer: “He lives in Michigan! It snows there!”

    Me: “That’s great for him, but I don’t plan on moving. And like I said, I have a—”

    Customer: “He’s coming over for dinner tonight! You should come over!”

    (At this point, I make up an excuse and hand her off to another customer. She leaves without buying anything. A few hours later, she comes back in. I’m the only free salesperson at this point, and as it’s corporate policy, I have no choice but to greet her.)

    Me: “Hello again, ma’am. Is there anything I can help you—”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    (She pulls out her wallet, and grabs a photo of her son from it.)

    Customer: “He’s famous! He’s a weatherman!”

    Me: “Again, ma’am, that’s great, but like I said, I have a boyfriend, and I don’t know your son.”

    Customer: “But he lives in Michigan!”

    Me: “Ma’am, is there anything I can help you shop for?”

    Customer: “Dinner is at seven! You should come by! He’d love you! You look so nice!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t come to dinner. I live with my boyfriend, and I don’t think he’d like that.”

    Customer: “…but you said you like snow!”

    (She finally gave up, but she kept moping around the store and shooting me morose looks. I felt so terrible for her son!)

    Shouldn’t Have Planted The Idea

    | Terre Haute, IN, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (I work at a large chain farm store that is very popular in the midwest. I have really bad anxiety so I’m not usually on the register, but today I am helping out since we are short on cashiers. An older man in his 50s comes up to my register.)

    Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Store]!”

    Customer: “Hello, young lady! I’d just like these plants here.”

    (He has two full carts of different trees and plants so it takes me a while to ring him up. While I’m ringing him up, he is telling me about how much he loves the store.)

    Me: “That will be $115.73.”

    Customer: “You have such a beautiful smile and beautiful hair.”

    Me: “Thank you.”

    Customer: “Your boyfriend is so lucky!”

    Me: “I don’t have a boyfriend. I’ve never had a boyfriend.”

    Customer: “What? Why the h*** not?! You’re gorgeous! Your last boyfriend must be crazy for splitting up with you!”

    Me: “Actually I’ve never had a boyfriend.”

    Customer: “WHAT! OH MY F****** GOD! WHY THE H*** NOT?!”

    Me: “Well, guys never talk to me and I’m too nervous to talk to them myself.”

    Customer: “But you’re talking to me? I’m a guy!”

    Me: “Yeah but you’re a customer. I don’t have any problems talking to customers.”

    Customer: “I can be more than a customer.”

    Me: “That will be $115.73, sir.”

    (The customer pays while smiling creepily at me and I’m very uncomfortable at this point.)

    Customer: “What time do you get off? I will come pick you up later!”

    Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”

    Itching With Respect

    | MI, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I are at our shop. During a slow moment, I lightly scratch his head as he works.)

    Fiancé: “You itched me.”

    (I start laughing.)

    Fiancé: “I’m gonna have to punish you, aren’t I? I’m gonna spank you. You’d enjoy that, wouldn’t you?”

    Me: *laughing* “Not really.”

    Fiancé: *laughing* “I’m trying to talk dirty! You know how unnatural it is for me to talk dirty!”

    Me: “Yet you can do it all day to the phone.”

    Fiancé: “I don’t respect the phone!”

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