(I work in a cosmetics shop that specializes in handmade soaps. A middle-aged man comes in and approaches me. He seems confused.)

Man: “Hey, my wife sent me in here to pick something up.”

Me: “Sure! What did we need to find for her?”

Man: “I don’t know. She gave me a note and told me to give it to you guys and not read it.”

(Confused, I take the envelope from him and read the note:)

“Hello,

My husband needs to be taught a lesson on the way he should speak to and about women. If you could pick out a nice piece of soap (preferable something mouth-sized) to help clean up his language, it would be much appreciated. I think a nice floral would be appropriate. Feel free to tease and torture him a bit. Some public humiliation might be good for him.”

Man: “So, what does she want?”

Me: *cheerily* “She wants some soap!”

(I select a strong jasmine soap, cut it down to the perfect size, wrap it for him and ring him up.)

Man: “That’s it? She could have told me that!”

Me: “I think she had her reasons. Good luck!”

(The note hung in a place of pride in our break room for a solid 6+ months.)

(I’ve brought in some home-made biscuits for my coworkers to enjoy. Towards the end of the night, one of them comes up to me.)

Coworker: “If you were a customer, I would kiss you right now.”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “Those biscuits you made were amazing. I’m going to marry you for those biscuits!”

Me: “Okay!”

(Several days later, my coworker comes up to me again.)

Coworker: “I’m divorcing you.”

Me: “Why?”

Coworker: “You’re never on my side. You can take the car, the card, and the kids. I get the house!”

(I notice a man sneak a card into his bag. He then picks out another card and comes to the register. It’s a “Happy Anniversary” card.)

Me: “And the other card?”

Man: “What other card?”

Me: “You slipped it into your bag.”

Man: “I didn’t!”

Me: “You did. Want me to show you the security feed?”

Man: “Um…”

(He reluctantly takes the second card out. It has “To My Love” on the cover.)

Man: “Shh…please don’t tell my wife. I’ll pay separately, but destroy the second receipt.”

(Sadly–but not surprisingly–his mistress’s card was more expensive than his wife’s.)

(I am standing at the door greeting customers. An elderly gentleman is waiting to get in as I answer a question for the customer ahead. I have already checked his membership card.)

Me: “You can go on in, hon. I’ve already seen your card.”

(The man continues to stand there while I speak with another customer.)

Me: “Did you need anything, sir?”

Customer: “No, but you called me hon, so I thought I might stick around a while…”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

(I’m scanning out an elderly couple. The man is obviously hard of hearing.)

Me: “Hello, and how are you folks today?”

Customer: “You look so young. Why is that?”

Me: “I’m only 19.”

Customer: “What?”

Customer’s wife: “SHE SAYS SHE’S NINETEEN!”

Customer: “Oh…do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: “I’m engaged, actually.”

Customer: “What?”

Customer’s wife: “SHE SAYS SHE’S ENGAGED!”

Customer: “Oh…do you want to go out with me sometime?”

Me: “Uh…here, I’ll just finish scanning your items for you.”

Customer: “What?”

Customer’s Wife: “SHE TURNED YOU DOWN!”

No Flirting A-Loud