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    Itching With Respect

    | MI, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I are at our shop. During a slow moment, I lightly scratch his head as he works.)

    Fiancé: “You itched me.”

    (I start laughing.)

    Fiancé: “I’m gonna have to punish you, aren’t I? I’m gonna spank you. You’d enjoy that, wouldn’t you?”

    Me: *laughing* “Not really.”

    Fiancé: *laughing* “I’m trying to talk dirty! You know how unnatural it is for me to talk dirty!”

    Me: “Yet you can do it all day to the phone.”

    Fiancé: “I don’t respect the phone!”

    No Longer For Sale

    | England, UK | Flirting/How We Met

    (I have a very youthful appearance; I look late teens or, maybe, early twenties. I go into a beauty shop.)

    Shop Assistant: “Do you need any help?”

    Me: “I’m good, thank you; just present shopping.”

    Shop Assistant: “I’ll come and help you.”

    (She seems very helpful and nice; the store is empty so when she rushes to help me I don’t complain.)

    Shop Assistant: “This is nice.” *grabs my hands before rubbing some cream in*

    Me: *a little taken a back* ” …Err, yeah, I don’t think it suits me though.”

    Shop Assistant: *laughing hysterically* “Oh, you. Let me show you what else we have.”

    (She part follows, part leads me round the store, being very friendly and often grabbing my shoulder, or rubbing cream on my hands. Being a bit naïve it takes me the longest time to realise she is hitting on me. I rack my brain how to break it to her. At the till…)

    Shop Assistant: “So, do you buy a lot of presents? We have some great stuff. You should pop back in.”

    Me: “I, err, yeah, I only really buy this for my wife.”

    (Her face freezes.)

    Shop Assistant: “You’re married?”

    Me: “Yes, with children.” *I hold up my left hand with my ring on*

    Shop Assistant: Oh. The total is [total].”

    Me: “Thanks!”

    Shop Assistant: “…Yeah.”

    The Only Time You Can Call Her Piggy

    | ON, Canada | Dating

    (Two customers come in, one guy, one girl. My coworker and I are watching in surprise as they coo over our plush toys, and really check out the objects. Finally, they come to pay and the guy has three Muppet plush dolls he wishes to purchase.)

    Guy: “Just these three, please.”

    (I start scanning as he customers start talking.)

    Guy: *to the girl* “I know I have two other Kermit the Frog dolls, but I had to get one more. Do you know why?”

    Girl: “Because Kermit the Frog is your favourite toy?”

    Guy: “That too, but you’ll see.”

    (In curiosity, I scan the Kermit doll, wondering what he was planning to do. To my surprise, I watch as he takes the doll and places it in her hand.)

    Guy: “For you, Piggy. So I will always be with you.”

    Coworker & Me: “AWWWW!”

    (The girl glows bright red and hugs the Kermit doll. The guy then pays for the other two dolls and hugs his Miss Piggy doll.)

    Guy: “…and with this, you can be with me.”

    Coworker & Me: “AWWWW!”

    Guy: *to us* “We’re huge Muppet fans.”

    Girl: “Really huge.”

    (The guy leans over and kisses her cheek, and I melt.)

    Me: “You two just made my day.”

    Girl: “Let’s go, Kermie.”

    (My coworker and I were quietly cooing as the two left the store.)

    Only Does Right By Her

    | Surrey, BC, Canada | Marriage & Partners

    (My coworker and I are having a little argument. Nothing serious, just a very minor disagreement. My coworker is female, while I am male.)

    Customer: “Those two must be newlyweds, because he still thinks he’s right!”

    Cooking Up A Storm At Home

    | Gatineau, QC, Canada | Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s December 24th, about an hour before closing time. It being a kitchen store, every conceivable surface in the place is covered in kitchen-related items. A vaguely panicked-looking guy power-walks into the store, scans the place, and comes straight to me.)

    Guy: “Can you help me? I really need to find something for my wife!”

    Me: “Absolutely sir. Does your wife like to cook?”

    Guy: “Not really.”

    Me: “…”

     


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