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    Mew Mew Pew Pew

    | AR, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (I’m on the phone with my wife:)

    Wife: “Your cat… YOUR CAT has the stinkiest farts!”

    Me: “I don’t have any cats. They’re your cats.”

    (We play this game all the time, whenever the cats are naughty.)

    Wife: “As stinky as her farts are, I’m pretty sure this has to be your cat.”

    Me: “…well played.”

    When Domesticating Your Man Has Gone Too Far

    | Ireland | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are getting groceries, and I decide to wear sexy lingerie.)

    Me: *seductively* “I am not wearing any underwear.”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah, me neither; we should really do laundry more often!”

    (The saddest part is that he actually meant it!)

    His Choice Of Words Is Leaning Towards Abstinence

    | England, UK | Dating, Fights/Breakups

    (I have recently given birth to our first child, and as we are not wanting another yet, my boyfriend and I go to our local supermarket to buy condoms. We are looking at condoms which are about £10 for a decent pack.)

    Boyfriend: “S***! £10! That’s well bad. They never used to be that expensive did they?”

    Me: “I don’t know. Are you wanting to get some?”

    Boyfriend: “I don’t know. It’s not really worth £10 just to have sex with you.”

    Knows How To Express How He Feels

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Dating

    (One of my guy friends has asked me out on a date after admitting he’s had a crush on me for several months. Since the crush is mutual, I accept. It’s the day before the date, and I’m at work (part-time cashier), in a great mood.)

    Customer: “You don’t have to go on break anytime soon, do you? I’ve got a massive order.”

    Me: “Nope, I actually just got off break, so you’re fine.”

    Customer: “Great!” *I start scanning items* “So, are you looking forward to the weekend?”

    Me: “Yes! I have a date this weekend that I’m really excited about. And you?”

    Customer: “Having a family get-together; a really big one, obviously!”

    (10 minutes later, they’re still going on this huge order.)

    Customer: “I forgot something! Can I—”

    Me: “Sure.” *customer runs off, and I spot my guy friend/date at the end of the line* “Hey! I thought you were at work!”

    Guy friend: “Nah, I work the late shift today. Just stopping in to pick up some dinner and see you!” *grins*

    Me: “Aw! You’re so great.” *big, stupid smile on my face*

    Customer: “Okay, I’m back. So sorry about that.” *sees my guy at the end of the line* “Oh, you only have two items. You know, I have a really big order, so you might want to go to the express lane.”

    Guy friend: “I’m cool here.”

    Customer: “No, seriously, she’s in the middle of my order, and you don’t want to be standing here for a long time.”

    Guy friend: “Really, it’s okay.”

    Customer: “The express lane has no line!”

    Me: “No, no, he’s fine! He’s here to-”

    Guy friend: “I’m here to see her.” *points at me*

    Customer: *looks at me, then looks at my guy* “Oh. Oh! I am so sorry! Never mind, you stay right there!”

    (My guy did stay there—for another 10 minutes while I rang up the rest of the customer’s order!)

    A Heathen Is For Life, Not Just For Christmas

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Flirting/How We Met

    (It’s Christmas time, and I’m doing some overtime to help my boss and a female co-worker put up some decorations around the store when a customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Can I have that tinsel?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am, this isn’t for sale. It’s just for the store. We’ve got some decorations for sale in the next aisle if you want me to show you?

    Customer: “No. I want that one, are you even Christian?”

    Me: *taken aback* “Uh, no ma’am, I’m not.”

    Customer: “I thought so, you don’t deserve these decorations…you’re a heathen!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but my boss wouldn’t be happy with me giving away the decorations he’s already paid for.”

    Customer: “I bet he wouldn’t be happy knowing that he’s got a heathen as an employee! I bet you’re one of them gays as well right?”

    Me: *stunned* “Um…actually…”

    Customer: *shouting* “You’re going straight to hell! I bet the rest of the staff don’t even know about your little secret!”

    (Just then, my coworker walks up to us.)

    Female Coworker: “Hey babe, can you help me set up the tree?”

    (The customer turns white, and practically runs out of the store.)

    Female Coworker: “Man, that woman was a b****!”

    (We set up the tree and she asks me out afterwards, we’ve been dating for nearly seven months!)

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