(I am a lesbian and married. My little sister is introducing my wife around her office building. I have neglected to come along because I have an anxiety disorder. My wife is short, very skinny, and all around tiny.)

My Sister: “…and this is my big sister’s wife.”

Coworker: *looks horrified and says nothing*

My Sister: “They are married.”

Coworker: *still horrified, saying nothing*

My Sister: “They are gay…”

Coworker: *still horrified*

My Sister: “They. Are. Lesbians.”

(My sister is very angry. My wife however, is perfectly calm.)

My Wife: “I’m 26.”

Coworker: “Oh, thank God! Don’t scare me like that!”

(She thought my wife was 14 or 15, and was utterly horrified about that, and not about anything else. I almost peed myself when I heard, but it’s nice to know my little sister has my back.)

(I’m in my mid-20s and work with a lot of high school girls who talk about relationships a lot. Three of them are arguing over whether nicknames or pet names are cute, immature, or annoying.)

Coworker #1: “They just make me roll my eyes a lot. I think they’re dumb. You outgrow stupid names.”

Coworker #2: “No you don’t! Hey, (me), you’ve got a boyfriend, right?”

Me: “Yeah. We don’t do the pet names thing, though.”

Coworker #1: “But you call each other ‘baby’ and ‘sweetie’, right?”

Me: “No, I don’t like that. He tried calling me ‘baby’ exactly twice before I told him to cut that shit out.”

Coworker #2: “See? It’s immature to call someone anything but their name!”

Me: *tired of hearing this argument* “I call him my ‘pet’ and he calls me his ‘mistress.’ Much more fun that way.”

(The conversation stopped right there.)

(I am talking to my boyfriend while on my lunch break at work since he is already off for the day.)

Me: “Uh, I am so tired. I need coffee. Are you out? Can you bring me coffee?”

Boyfriend: “No. My foot hurts. It’s hard to drive a clutch when your foot hurts.”

Me: “But you’re driving right now…”

Boyfriend: “Can you hold on a sec?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I wait on hold for about two minutes before he comes back on.)

Boyfriend: *to someone else* “Can I get a straw with that, please?”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Boyfriend: *to me* “What?”

Me: “You just ordered yourself coffee, didn’t you?”

Boyfriend: “No. What makes you say that?”

Me: “Because I know you!”

(Sure enough, he put me on hold so he could order himself coffee and left me without!)

(My boyfriend works at a software engineering company. There’s a really annoying girl who keeps bothering him. She comes over with an attitude.)

Annoying Girl: “You can’t use that software that way; it’s impossible!”

Boyfriend: “Well, a lot of people have told me things are impossible, but they all worked out in the end.”

Annoying Girl: “Name one!”

Boyfriend: *points at a picture of me* “You see that hot girl on the wall? That’s my girlfriend!”

Annoying Girl: *silent* “T-that’s personal!” *storms off*

(I have a great relationship with my boss, so she knows I have a lot of issues with my future mother-in-law. I have just had a truly awful Christmas experience with her lying and manipulating my fiancé over her coming into town for the holidays, and a several hour long conversation where she told me everything I was thinking about for my wedding was wrong and against their family traditions.)

Me: “I just don’t want her involved. She already tried to make the engagement all about her, and now she’s doing the same thing for the wedding!”

Boss: “Well, what are you going to do about it? She’s not going away if you keep him in your life.”

Me: “I think I’m going to announce a really horrendous wedding theme. Remember that one girl who’s renting the hall next door who’s theme is ‘Monsters and Rainbows’? Yeah… I’m gonna go with ‘Drag Queens and Superheroes’!”

Boss: “I am not dressing up as a drag queen!”

Me: “No no no! You’re a woman! You have to pick a male superhero to dress up as!”

Boss: “So, what, he’ll be Wonder Woman?”

Me: “Sure, why not? I can be Superman!”

Boss: “And how will he feel about this?”

Me: “I’ll text him right now.”

(I text him the idea, having a lot of fun with the joke as various co-workers are picking superheroes.)

Fiancé: “Noooo! That’s the worst idea ever!”

Me: “It’s just a joke!”

Fiancé: “Not that! I can’t be DC! I hate DC! I’ll be Jean Grey and you can be Cyclops.”

Me: “If I am any X-men ever, I am Wolverine.”

Fiancé: “Our slash-fic shall live forever.”

Me: *to my boss* “Yep, he’s officially perfect. I’ll take him even with a side of crazy mom.”

Related:
The Jean-Grey To My Scott Summers, Part 2
The Jean-Grey To My Scott Summers