Category: Advice

Love advice is best taken lightly, if at all. Thankfully, our friends and families are armed with truckloads of it!

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An Ex Rumspringa

| Oslo, Norway | Advice, Exes/Old Flames

(My best friend and I talk to each other on the phone at least once a week, if not more. He and I used to date some years ago, but are now just friends, and are both in happy, fulfilling relationships. A few weeks before this, he had posted a photo of himself on Facebook, where I noted that in his unshaven state, he looked Amish.)

Me: “You really do need to shave though. You look Amish.”

Friend: “I know. You said. Can I just trim, instead of shaving?”

Me: “Sure. As long as you stop looking Amish!”

Friend: “What if I just start wearing a Quaker hat instead, though?”

Me: “I was about to say I’d break up with you, but then I remembered that we’re not actually dating anymore.”

Friend: *laughing* “I don’t think your boyfriend would be too happy about that.”

Me: “Nah, he won’t mind. He’ll probably just laugh when I tell him.”

(Later, I’m telling my boyfriend about the conversation while we chat online.)

Friend: “What’s a Quaker hat?”

Me: “I like that you focus more on that than the fact that I literally forgot that I’m not dating one of my exes.”

(He really has his priorities straight.)

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Trying To Offer Some Asian Persuasion

| CA, USA | Advice, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, LGBTQ

(I am out at a gay bar with my boyfriend and his best friend. All of us are white gay males, but live in a part of the country that’s quite ethnically diverse. We’re waiting for one of my exes to arrive, whom I am still on good terms with. My boyfriend’s friend has his Grindr app open, looking around the bar. I catch a glimpse of it.)

Me: “What the h***?!”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “Your profile! It says “No Asians””

Friend: “Yeah, I’m not into Asians.”

Me: “That’s very racist!”

Friend: “How? I just don’t find them attractive.”

Me: “Every single Asian?”

Friend: “Well, not really.”

Me: “So you’ve met every Asian from all over the world, have you?”

Friend: “Of course not, but—”

Me: “Then how can you know there is not a single Asian you find attractive?”

(My boyfriend has heard my voice rising throughout the conversation.)

Boyfriend: “It’s okay, [My Name]. [Friend] isn’t racist.”

Me: “If you make a decision or judgment about someone based solely and entirely on their race, is that a racist decision?”

Boyfriend: “I think what [Friend] means is—”

Me: “Yes or no. Is it a racist decision?”

Boyfriend: “Well… yes. But—”

Me: “There we go, then.”

Friend: “What’s the big deal? I just don’t find Asian guys sexually attractive. It’s a preference, not racism.”

Me: “Okay, then, why is that?”

Friend: “What is what?”

Me: “What is it about Asians that you don’t find desirable?”

Friend: “I don’t know… I just don’t.”

Me: “What about black guys?”

Friend: “Uh…”

Me: “So it’s just white guys you’re into, then?”

Friend: “I guess so. But I’m not racist! I have black friends!”

Me: “And you label them your ‘Black Friends’ do you?”

Boyfriend: “[My Name], chill out!”

Me: “I will not. I am not saying you’re Trump or anything, but you’re perpetuating the ideology that one race is superior to another, in this case, out of sexual prowess. White man is sexy and strong; Asian man is unattractive and weak. I’m telling you this because I want you to look inside and ask yourself why is it you feel this way? Also, I am saving you.”

Friend: “Saving me?! From what?”

Me: “From him.”

(We all turn to see my ex has arrived. A 6 foot, Korean-American body-builder with an amazingly handsome face, at least in my opinion. He comes on over and says hello.)

Ex: “Sorry I’m late. So… what we talking about?”

(I look pointedly at my boyfriend’s friend.)

Friend: “Oh… nothing… uh… So, who wants a round of drinks?”

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Who Said Love Is Dead(pool)?

| Hingham, MA, USA | Advice, Marriage & Partners, Popular

(It’s St. Valentine’s Day, a holiday which my wife hates. I order flowers for her online to be delivered to her office.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Wife], it’s so sweet that your husband got you flowers for Valentine’s Day.”

Wife: “They aren’t for Valentine’s Day.”

Coworker: “They aren’t?”

Wife: “Nope.”

Coworker: “So what does that card say?”

Wife: “Happy Deadpool Premiere Day.”

Coworker: “You two have to be the biggest geeks I’ve ever met.”

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Setting Up A Hollywood Romance

| Sacramento, CA, USA | Advice, Flirting/How We Met, Popular

(My girlfriend and I have been dating for seven years. We’d known each other through a friends group for a while. Our friends had always thought we had a thing.)

Friend #1: *through group text* “We should go to a movie!”

Friend #2: “Ya! We should see [Popular New Movie].”

Friend #3: “Ya! Let’s go on [Day two days from now].”

Almost-Girlfriend: “Sounds fun!”

Me: “Sounds great!”

(The next day Friend #3 texts this.)

Friend #3: “Sorry, can’t go to movie! Going to my grandparents.”

(It’s one day away from the movie when Friend #2 texts.)

Friend #2: “Super sorry, it’s my mom’s birthday! Completely forgot; can’t go to movie.”

(It comes the day of the movie. My almost-girlfriend and I are there talking.)

Almost-Girlfriend: “Where’s [Friend #1]?”

Me: “I don’t know. Maybe there’s traffic?”

(We then get a text from my friend.)

Friend #1: “Got in a car accident; can’t get there. You two have fun. ;-)”

(We’re confused as for why he used a winky face, but see the movie together and forget about it. The next week we’re all together.)

Friend #1: “So, how was the movie, you two?”

(As he asks this he winks. My almost-girlfriend and I look at each other.)

Almost-Girlfriend: “Um, it was actually really good!”

Me: “It sucks you guys couldn’t come.”

(All three of our friends smirked and looked at each other, and then explained that they had planned to get us together. Not long after that we started dating. Thank god I made it to that movie, or I would have missed the most wonderful girl in the world.)

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Antisocial Media

| Mays Landing, NJ, USA | Advice, Popular

(I’m talking to my friend, who has a crush on a girl.)

Me: “Wait, so you found out her phone number, Kik, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr without speaking to her once? Don’t you think you might be coming off as a bit creepy?”

Friend: “It’s not creepy if I’m in love. You don’t understand.”

(She rejected him.)

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