Category: Advice

Love advice is best taken lightly, if at all. Thankfully, our friends and families are armed with truckloads of it!

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More Than A Half-Baked Effort

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Advice, Dating, Family/Kids, Popular

(My girlfriend baked me a cake for my birthday and showed it to her family first.)

Father: “I’m sorry, sweetie, but it looks a bit… off. Did you have a recipe?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, I have a recipe. I think it turned out okay.”

Brother: *breaks off a piece and eats it* “Ugh, it’s terrible.” *spits out piece*

Mother: “The inside doesn’t look right at all. Are you sure you followed the recipe?”

Girlfriend: “Yes. I ran out of flour though, so I substituted with baking soda.”

Mother: “Baking soda doesn’t work that way. You can’t give [My Name] that.”

Girlfriend: “But I went through all that effort.”

Mother: “And he’ll appreciate that you tried, but you’ll make him sick if he eats it.”

Father: “Let’s go to [Nearby Bakery]; they have really good cakes.”

Girlfriend: “I don’t want to BUY him a cake. I want to make it myself.”

(I never did see the baking soda cake. Instead she made me a very lovely handmade card. Suffice it to say it’s her tenacity that won me over, not her culinary skills. Also, I do all our cooking and bake her a cake every birthday.)

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A Dangerous Flirt

| VA, USA | Advice, Flirting/How We Met, Popular

(While hanging out with some friends and a guy I just met, our conversation turns to whether we have murderers in our family. I make it clear that the conversation is making me uncomfortable and the guy rolls back his sleeve and orders me to give him an Indian burn. A few minutes later we are left alone.)

Him: “So do you have a car or a friend with a car?”

Me: “No, why?”

Him: “Well, that’s a problem. Do you want to go on a date with me?”

(Awkward pause.)

Me: “Just a little advice for you, don’t ask a girl out after a conversation like this. It’s not a good foundation for a relationship.”

(He mumbles for a few seconds.)

Him: “You wanna make out?”

(Most awkward day of my life.)

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Romance Is Dead (In About Three Days)

| Cedar Rapids, IA, USA | Advice, Popular

(I work in the floral department of a large grocery store. One evening, an obviously drunk gentleman rolls in while I’m the only one working back there.)

Me: “Anything I can help you with?”

Drunk Customer: “That one. I want that one right there.”

(He points to a fancy, expensive arrangement– a dozen red roses, baby’s breath, nice vase, bow, the whole nine yards. I tell him ‘sure’ and get it out of the cooler for him.)

Drunk Customer: “[Five dollars less than listed price], right?”

Me: “No, this is [price].”

Drunk Customer: “You’re gonna cut me a deal.”

Me: “Nope.”

Drunk Customer: “Aww, why not?”

Me: “Because I’m not the manager and I don’t have the authority to do that.”

(Technically I do, if a product is damaged or something, but there’s nothing wrong with this arrangement.)

Drunk Customer: “Well, where’s the manager?”

Me: “Not here. She’s gone home.”

(Again, technically I could get another manager over from another department, but I’m not doing that for some drunk dude who wants a deal on a perfectly good arrangement. Either the manager will tell him no, which will upset him, or they’ll tell him yes and he’ll essentially get a deal for being a pain in the butt. Not on my watch.)

Drunk Customer: “Maaan, you’re killing me!”

Me: “It’s my job.”

Drunk Customer: *grumbling* “I know it’s your job. It’s just… It’s so…”

Me: “You don’t have to buy this one if you don’t want to. We have other—”

Drunk Customer: *whining like a little kid* “But I waaaant toooo!”

Me: “Okay, then it’s [price].”

Drunk Customer: “You’re KILLING me! Girls like these, right?”

Me: “Most people would love to get an arrangement like this, yeah.”

Drunk Customer: “That’s stupid. It’ll die in like, three days.”

Me: “Our flowers last longer than that, but yeah, I’m inclined to agree with you.”

Drunk Customer: “It’s a waste of money!”

Me: *boxing up the vase and ringing him up as I talk* “I get that. Like, if you’re going to spend fifty dollars on me, get me something that I can keep. Flowers are ephemeral.”

Drunk Customer: “Right! It’s so stupid!”

Me: “You still don’t have to buy it…”

Drunk Customer: “But I waaannaaa. Girls like theeeese.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be [price plus tax].”

(He pays, grumbling.)

Drunk Customer: “So stupid. Now I’m out [price plus tax].”

Me: “Have a good night, sir!”

(And he almost dropped the thing on his way out. I’m glad he didn’t. I don’t think I would have been able to keep from laughing.)

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