Category: Advice

Love advice is best taken lightly, if at all. Thankfully, our friends and families are armed with truckloads of it!

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All Relationships Have Their Complications

| PA, USA | Advice

(My sister just found out that two of her friends got into a relationship.)

Sister: “So you know how I texted [Guy Friend] to say congrats on the relationship with [Girl Friend]? He just texted me back and said ‘not really.’ So now I’m confused, because it’s on Facebook that they’re in a relationship.”

Me: “I think she could say she’s ‘in a relationship’ without him, but I think for her to say she’s ‘in a relationship with him’ he has to approve it.”

Sister: “Exactly.”

Me: “Maybe she blackmailed him into accepting her Facebook relationship? Brings a new meaning to ‘It’s complicated’…”

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Makes A Mango Crazy

| Cape Cod, MA, USA | Advice, Marriage & Partners

(I am at a Christmas/Hanukkah/Yule party for a group of my friends. I am a homebrewer, and also one of only two men at the gathering.)

Friend #1: “[My Name] is here!” *holds out her arms to me*

Me: “Indeed I am, and I know exactly what you want.” *I hand her a bottle of homebrew*

Friend #1: “You know just what to get a girl. What kind is this?”

Me: “Mango mead. 1.5 Liters.”

Friend #1: “Ooooh, I love mangoes.”

Friend #2: “Mangoes and honey. Sounds pretty good.”

(Later, after the mead has been opened and poured.)

Friend #1: “[My Name], this is great. I pledge my undying love to you.”

Me: “What about [Friend #2]’s brother?”

Friend #1: “He doesn’t give me mead.”

Me: “Did you forget how, back in June, I married a Scot? I happen to like living.”

(The group dissolved into laughter.)

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Can’t Believe What Mom Is Proposing

| USA | Advice, Proposals

(I was engaged several years ago, but it didn’t work out and didn’t end well. I have recently started seeing someone, but keep needing to remind him to move slowly. My mother doesn’t really like him and doesn’t think we’re compatible.)

Mom: *suddenly* “You know [Boyfriend] is planning on proposing to you at Christmas, right?”

Me: *shocked* “What?! Did he say something? We’ve only been dating eight months!”

Mom: “Yeah, but you know he is.”

Me: “No. That would be silly. He knows I don’t even want to move in together.”

Mom: “[Ex-Fiancée] proposed to you at Christmas.”

Me: “No, he didn’t.”

Mom: “Yes, he did!”

Me: “Not even close.”

Mom: “Yes. He. Did.”

Me: “No. He. Didn’t. He proposed after a baseball game!”

Mom: “Whatever. I warned you then, too. You know he was planning it for a while.”

Me: “Huh?! Mom, he was drunk off his a** and only proposed because a ball flew into the stands and hit some lady, and it got him thinking about mortality or something. He never even purchased a ring.”

Mom: “You had a ring. It was his mom’s.”

Me: “No, his mom gave me a bracelet. YOU gave me a ring to wear because, and I quote, ‘[Ex-Fiancee] is too cheap to get you anything really nice.’”

Mom: “It couldn’t have been after a baseball game, because his parents were there.”

Me: “They were not. As I recall, they were out of state, which is why we were supposed to delay announcing it to everyone for a week, even though I told you and Dad and made you promise not to let on that you already knew.”

Mom: “Well, whatever. I know about these things, and [Boyfriend] is planning on proposing to you this Christmas.”

 

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That Sounds Man-ageable

| USA | Advice

(I am surfing some Facebook group and see this.)

Op: “Wanna keep your girl? Respect her, care for her, love her, text her first, make sure she knows how you feel about her, and never lie.”

Commenter: “Wanna keep your man? Stop being a psycho b****!”

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Crossing That Fine, Fine Line

| USA | Advice

(My friend is going through a breakup.)

Friend: “I told him I was willing to do whatever it took for this relationship, and he still decided to end it.”

Me: *sigh* “That’s love for you.”

Friend: “No, that’s a waste of time.”

Me: “Avenue Q?”

Friend: *smiles* “No, I’m a little bit racist.”

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