Category: Advice

Love advice is best taken lightly, if at all. Thankfully, our friends and families are armed with truckloads of it!

Love Comes In All Shapes And Guises

| San Jose, CA, USA | Advice

(My best friend at work and I have been with our respective partners for years. Somehow we get on the topic of relationship milestones.)

Me: “Yeah, the first time [Boyfriend] told me he loved me was after we’d spent about six weeks together… He got super drunk on Halloween when we were hanging out with a friend, called another of our friends asking him to come over so he could ‘talk about his feelings,’ cried a lot, and rambled on for about five minutes about how he loved me and he knew I was it right away. And the next morning, he didn’t remember any of it.”

Friend: “Did the friend come?”

Me:Yes. So we all happily told him about how hilariously sloppy drunk he was the next day. We mutually agreed to not acknowledge he said it because it was way too early and weird. Though now it’s what, seven years later? So I guess it turned out okay.”

Friend: “Yeah… That might be almost as bad as the first time I told [Girlfriend] I loved her. It was in a letter.”

Me: “What’s wrong with that?”

Friend: “That I sent from jail.”

Me: *laughs* “I’m so proud of you.”

Friend: “I mean, she’d said it before! It just took me a long time to come around to saying it, but… I wasn’t home to say it to her in person.”

Me: “If it helps, the second time [Boyfriend] told me he loved me was also an accident. We were talking on the phone which we almost never do, and when he went to hang up his mouth went on autopilot and he said ‘Love you, Mom!'”

Friend: *cracks up* “Okay, now I think he wins.”

Selfishness In Bloom

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Advice

(When my then-boyfriend, now-husband were dating, he sent me a beautiful bouquet of roses for our first Valentine’s Day. They were delivered to my office, and this happened.)

Coworker: “Nice flowers.”

Me: “Thanks!”

Coworker: “You know… [Other Coworker] didn’t get any flowers for Valentine’s Day. She hinted and hinted, but her husband didn’t send her any.”

Me: “Oh. That’s too bad.”

Coworker: “So…” *gives me expectant look*

Me: “Yes…?”

Coworker: “So, you should give her some of yours.”

Me: “What? I’m not going to do that.”

Coworker: “Why not? You’ve got so many! You won’t miss them, and they’ll make her happy.”

Me: “Because they’re MY flowers. If you want her to have some, buy her some yourself.”

Coworker: “I can’t believe you’re being so selfish!”

All Relationships Have Their Complications

| PA, USA | Advice

(My sister just found out that two of her friends got into a relationship.)

Sister: “So you know how I texted [Guy Friend] to say congrats on the relationship with [Girl Friend]? He just texted me back and said ‘not really.’ So now I’m confused, because it’s on Facebook that they’re in a relationship.”

Me: “I think she could say she’s ‘in a relationship’ without him, but I think for her to say she’s ‘in a relationship with him’ he has to approve it.”

Sister: “Exactly.”

Me: “Maybe she blackmailed him into accepting her Facebook relationship? Brings a new meaning to ‘It’s complicated’…”

Makes A Mango Crazy

| Cape Cod, MA, USA | Advice, Marriage & Partners

(I am at a Christmas/Hanukkah/Yule party for a group of my friends. I am a homebrewer, and also one of only two men at the gathering.)

Friend #1: “[My Name] is here!” *holds out her arms to me*

Me: “Indeed I am, and I know exactly what you want.” *I hand her a bottle of homebrew*

Friend #1: “You know just what to get a girl. What kind is this?”

Me: “Mango mead. 1.5 Liters.”

Friend #1: “Ooooh, I love mangoes.”

Friend #2: “Mangoes and honey. Sounds pretty good.”

(Later, after the mead has been opened and poured.)

Friend #1: “[My Name], this is great. I pledge my undying love to you.”

Me: “What about [Friend #2]’s brother?”

Friend #1: “He doesn’t give me mead.”

Me: “Did you forget how, back in June, I married a Scot? I happen to like living.”

(The group dissolved into laughter.)

Can’t Believe What Mom Is Proposing

| USA | Advice, Proposals

(I was engaged several years ago, but it didn’t work out and didn’t end well. I have recently started seeing someone, but keep needing to remind him to move slowly. My mother doesn’t really like him and doesn’t think we’re compatible.)

Mom: *suddenly* “You know [Boyfriend] is planning on proposing to you at Christmas, right?”

Me: *shocked* “What?! Did he say something? We’ve only been dating eight months!”

Mom: “Yeah, but you know he is.”

Me: “No. That would be silly. He knows I don’t even want to move in together.”

Mom: “[Ex-Fiancée] proposed to you at Christmas.”

Me: “No, he didn’t.”

Mom: “Yes, he did!”

Me: “Not even close.”

Mom: “Yes. He. Did.”

Me: “No. He. Didn’t. He proposed after a baseball game!”

Mom: “Whatever. I warned you then, too. You know he was planning it for a while.”

Me: “Huh?! Mom, he was drunk off his a** and only proposed because a ball flew into the stands and hit some lady, and it got him thinking about mortality or something. He never even purchased a ring.”

Mom: “You had a ring. It was his mom’s.”

Me: “No, his mom gave me a bracelet. YOU gave me a ring to wear because, and I quote, ‘[Ex-Fiancee] is too cheap to get you anything really nice.’”

Mom: “It couldn’t have been after a baseball game, because his parents were there.”

Me: “They were not. As I recall, they were out of state, which is why we were supposed to delay announcing it to everyone for a week, even though I told you and Dad and made you promise not to let on that you already knew.”

Mom: “Well, whatever. I know about these things, and [Boyfriend] is planning on proposing to you this Christmas.”

 

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