Category: Boyfriend/Girlfriend

Orphans Of The South Pole

| Cambridge, ON, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(The branches of a chain store are all closing in Canada, so my boyfriend and I are going to check out the sales. I ended up buying a Snorlax blanket.)

Boyfriend: “So you finally got your Snorlax blanket. And the last one, too.”

Me: “Yup, gotta catch ’em all.”

Boyfriend: “Wait… Does this mean that we’re going to have a closet filled only with Pokémon blankets?”

Me: “Maybe…”

Boyfriend: “But babe! Those blankets could go to freezing children in Africa!”

Me: *raises an eyebrow at him*

Boyfriend: “Wait… Uh, freezing children in… Antarctica!”

Me: “Nice save.”

Your Intelligence Is In The Pits

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I are curled up in bed, and the dog jumps up on the bed with us.)

Boyfriend: “[Dog] is licking himself again. He’ll be trying to lick us in a minute.”

(Seconds later.)

Me: *squeal* “He just licked me in the armpit!”

Boyfriend: “Who?”

Me: “…Really?”

Zit It!

| San Jose, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(As some but not all other couples do and despite technically knowing better, my boyfriend and I sometimes take pleasure in popping each other’s zits. He is five years younger than me, and currently has a very large, ripe zit on his lip. When he came home from work, the first thing he told me was ‘I’m saving it for me! It’s not for you!’ We’re now getting settled in for bed.)

Me: “You should pop that. What if you let it go too far and it’s not as satisfying?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, it will be satisfying.”

Me: “But what if it overshoots? I’m just trying to look out for your best interests. You should enjoy that. It’s so promising.”

Boyfriend: “It’s looking at you, isn’t it?”

Me: “I’M JUST TRYING TO HELP. I’M OLD. AND WISE. I TEACH COLLEGE.”

Boyfriend: *laughs*

Me: “POP THAT SUCKER!”

Chew Shoe Toy

| Scotland, UK | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Pets & Animals

Me: “Can we get a dog, please, please, please?!”

Boyfriend: “No, it’ll chew all our shoes!”

Me: “We have a shoe cupboard!”

Boyfriend: “You can’t keep a dog in a shoe cupboard!”

Cradle To The Grave

| Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(Being a non-native speaker of English, I confuse my words quite often, especially when I’m hungry. This was one of the best examples of this phenomena. I am just coming out from the ladies’.)

Boyfriend: “Hey.” *points at the guy who is down the hall by now* “I just ran into another guy I was in the Physics department with. I’ve been running into old acquaintances all over the place today.”

Me: “Cool.” *starts teasing* “It’s because you have a lot of past now.”

Boyfriend: “…probably.”

Me: “Yeah. Twenty one years of past. About to be twenty two.”

Boyfriend: “Twenty one? Since when?”

Me: “Since birth. Twenty one years of being alive.”

Boyfriend: “I’m not twenty one.”

Me: “Yes, you are. You haven’t had your birthday ye— THIRTY ONE! Thirty one was what I meant. It was thirty one in my head!”

Boyfriend: *starts laughing* “That’s what I thought. Getting back ten years of my life. That sounds nice. Give me my ten years back, [My Name]. I want to be twenty one again.”

Me: “No!”

Boyfriend: “Why not?”

Me: “I don’t want to be forty! You can’t have my ten years!”

Boyfriend: “I didn’t mean I’d take them from you personally.”

Me: “Oh. Still no.”

Boyfriend: “Why not? You don’t want a young, hot, twenty-year-old boyfriend?”

Me: “Ew, no.”

Boyfriend: “Why not? Some twenty-year-olds can be pretty mature.”

Me: “I don’t want to feel like a grave robber— CRADLE ROBBER! Grave robber is something completely different!”

Boyfriend: *laughs harder* “That’d be dating a really old guy.”

Me: *laughing* “That’d be dating a cradle robber.”

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