Category: Boyfriend/Girlfriend

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Winter Is Coming… Out

| Kitchener, ON, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, LGBTQ

(My girlfriend and I are talking about our past relationships.)

Girlfriend: “I’ve wound up liking a few guys… only to find out they are gay.”

Me: “Hey, babe, I’m as straight as the day is long!”

Girlfriend: *worriedly* “But what about in winter?”

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Hopefully Woke Up With Full HP

| NY, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My cousin’s girlfriend is a huge fan of video games and apparently sleep-talks when she starts to be immersed in her dreams. I am nearby when they are on the couch in my living room; she is sleeping on his lap when she mumbles:)

Girlfriend: “No… the Behemoth… I’m low on HP… [Cousin], heal me with something…”

(He gives me a confused look.)

Cousin: “Umm… [Cousin] uses hi-potion on [Girlfriend].”

Girlfriend: “Thank you…”

(When she woke up she didn’t remember any of it.)

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Hater Dater

| GA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups

(I’m half-black. I’d lived in the south for a good portion of my life but I’d never experienced any sort of racism. I’ve just started dating this guy who would not usually be my type. He’s your stereotypical good ol’ country boy: camo, heavy boots, big truck, loves hunting. One day we’re at lunch, just talking, when this exchange happens.)

Me: “You know, you’re not my usual type but you’re cute so I thought, what the heck? Why not?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, you’re not my usual type either. In fact, I could probably never bring a n***** like you home to my parents.”

(I broke up with him at that word and he seemed absolutely shocked and had no idea why I did.)

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Rebel With A Cause To Kiss

| Kitchener, ON, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend is over and I’m reading a birthday card that I just got from my aunt and uncle.)

Me: “For your birthday, we hope you get a BIG KISS from [Boyfriend]!”

Boyfriend: “Sweet! I have permission!”

Me: “Right, and every time you kissed me before was… rebellion?”

Boyfriend: “Dang, I must have a pretty long rap sheet by now.”

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Mom Wants You To Live In A Bubble (Tea)

| San Jose, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Family/Kids

(My mother has always been the super-paranoid, neurotic, helicopter parent type. When I was younger, she would regularly do things like sending e-mails telling me not to hit deer when driving, or not to run over children on bicycles, or leave notes telling me all the different ways I could ensure I wouldn’t burn the house down when they were on vacation. She wasn’t being snarky – she legitimately thought these were rational tips to be giving as a parent, and if she hadn’t told me to watch out for these specific pitfalls all those awful things would have happened. I am now in my thirties, but she still frequently offers these ‘helpful’ life tips. My boyfriend and I are drinking bubble tea: drinks with large tapioca pearls. I say something and he starts to laugh, then begins coughing.)

Me: “ARE YOU CHOKING ON ONE OF THE PEARLS?”

Boyfriend: *nods while now laughing at my panicked reaction*

Me: “YOU CAN’T DIE THIS WAY! This is another one of those ridiculous things my mom always said! EVERY TIME we had bubble tea she would remind us to be careful because we could choke on the pearls and die!”

Boyfriend: *still coughing so I know he’s breathing, but laughing even harder which isn’t helping his situation*

Me: “IF YOU DIE THIS WAY SHE WILL THINK SHE WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING EVER. WE CANNOT HAVE THAT. THAT WOULD BE ALMOST AS BAD AS YOU DYING!”

Boyfriend: *still coughing* “NO! Don’t worry! I REFUSE to die this way!”

Me: “I mean you being dead would be worse, but her thinking she’s been justified all this time would be second-worst.”

(He didn’t die. My mom never has to know this happened.)