Category: Dating

My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. – Jenny McCarthy

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Get Out Of There Before You Can Say “Knife”

| USA | Dating

(I’ve reconnected with a guy that I knew when we were kids. He offers to buy me coffee one day so we can “catch up.” I agree. It seems to be going well, until another guy walks by…)

Me: *notices him staring at the person who has just walked by* “You know him?”

Guy: “No.”

Me: “So why are you giving him the death stare?”

Guy: “He was checking you out.”

Me: “He was?”

Guy: “Yes, and I don’t like that. He’s checking out my girl!”

Me: “Hold on, now. I’m not your girl—”

Guy: “But it’s okay, because I can protect you!”

Me: “I’m going to regret asking this, but what are you talking about?”

Guy: *stage whispers* “I collect knives!”

Me: “I… did not need to know that.”

Guy: “I have one on me RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “…I think we’re done here!”

(I booked it out of there in record time. He tried to contact me several more times, asking if I was “mad.” Needless to say, I never saw him again.)

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A Completely Different B****

| CA, USA | Dating, Family/Kids

(My sister is over for the holidays and complaining about her boyfriend who hasn’t talked to her in two days. She knows that he’s been talking to other people so she’s pretty pissed. Note: He’s in another country.)

Sister: “Oh, my f***ing gosh, I swear I’ll go over there and beat the crap out of him! I f***ing hate him so much!”

(The dog comes over for a pet.)

Sister: *in a cutesy voice* “Aww herro pwetty girl! I wuv you!”

Me: “…that change in attitude.”

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Lower Forms Of Communication

FL, USA | Dating

(The guy I have been dating has just gotten out of the shower while I am still washing my hair.)

Guy: *unintelligible noise*

Me: “Hm?”

Guy: “Well, I mean I just farted, if that’s what you’re asking about.”

Me: *hysterical laughter* “I thought you were saying something to me!”

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A Match Made In Hell

| ON, Canada | Dating

(It’s the 90s and my college is holding an event which includes free blind dates. I get seated at a table with a man I’ve never seen before. I’m a little skeptical of this so I try to be honest.)

Me: “Hello, sir. I’m 23, I pee in the shower, I snore, drool, and fart in my sleep, it will take an hour for me to finish a story that should only be 10 minutes long, and nobody is ever allowed to use my stuff.”

Man: “I’m also 23 years old. I never answer my phone on time, I wake up in the middle of the night several times every night, when I’m sick I will treat you like my slave, I won’t clean up after I shave, and I still don’t know how to peel a banana.”

(We have been married for 20 years now.)

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The Date Was A Mess

| UK | Dating

(I’m out on a date with a girl I’ve recently gotten to know. The date goes well until the end, when I notice I made a bit of a mess with the condiments — salt a bit scattered over the table, some mustard splatter, etc. I go to clean it up with a napkin.)

Date: “What are you doing? That isn’t your job; it’s the waiter’s job to clean!

Me: “It’s no issue; I used to work this sort of job. They have to give it a wipe down anyway, but I figure why not make it a little easier? I didn’t mean to make this much of a mess.”

Date: “Sure, but you’re allowed to make as much mess as you want; you’re the customer! It’s their job to clean up after us, silly!”

Me: “…”

(I cleaned it up anyway, and we didn’t have many dates after that. These sort of instances along with her doing things like insisting that I HAD to put ‘x’ at the end of all my texts to her simply because she was my girlfriend (after I told her, I just don’t put x’s to anyone) and getting needlessly angry whenever I didn’t, I decided to call it quits.)

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